In January 2023, I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant with our son and first born. It was a smooth pregnancy overall with no red flags along the way. Ollie Bear did a lot of traveling while in the womb over his 9-month span of life. He was destined to be a little flower child. We spent the first 6 months of the pregnancy living in the Pacific Northwest in Eugene, Oregon. We road tripped and moved back to New York during the third trimester, so to be closer to family upon his arrival (free baby sitters and support seemed like the right call.) On the road trip we drove through 16 states and swam in the Pacific Ocean, Lake Michigan, Keuka Lake and Lake George all while he was in my tummy. In NY we quickly found a new place, had a baby shower, set up Ollie’s nursery and excitedly awaited his very much anticipated arrival on September 3, 2023.
The pregnancy was fairly easy besides the usual tiredness and the summer heat and humidity. On the night of August 30, 2023 there was a full moon known as a Blue Moon, which is rare and holds the symbolic meaning “Once in a Blue Moon.” I remember being in such awe of the blue moon and its intense energy on that August summer night. My partner and I looked out at the moon and felt so much excitement and anticipation for the arrival of our baby boy any day now. Our lives were about to change forever. We had just come from our last birthing class at the hospital where we would be delivering any day now. On that very same night, I went home and noticed a lack of movement and had an eerie feeling something was not right. The following morning I noticed no movement at all and did all the things they say to get your baby moving. Fast forward we went to labor and delivery and received the dreaded news “I am sorry there is no heartbeat.” This was my 39th week of pregnancy when we lost our beautiful son Ollie Bear, and he was born on September 1, 2023 at 9:11 am, just 2 days before his due date. The cause is from a last minute cord accident around his abdomen.
Grief, love and fear overcame me all at once when I met my son for the first time. It was so much to process. We thankfully took many pictures because a nurse luckily recommended us to do so. I was in complete shock and didn’t know what I wanted at the time, but am so glad that we have photos with our son. He had perfect fingers, toes, little curls, plump lips and was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. All I could think of is how much we do not deserve this after doing everything right from going to every appointment, moving closer to family, purchasing every possible baby item, and opening our hearts as parents. I remember feeling so lonely because you only ever hear about healthy pregnancies and positive outcomes, so it seemed like I was the only one in the world. I found out rather quickly how common stillbirth is and went searching near and far for a community that understands this unique pain.
Currently, I am 36 weeks with our rainbow baby girl who is due May 11, 2025. I fell pregnant a year after the loss of our son. Of course the anxiety has worsened at the end of this pregnancy, but I am getting extra monitoring due to my loss. I know firsthand that nothing is promised and although I feel reassured after prenatal appointments, that reassurance goes away rather quickly. We are nearing the finish line and next week is my induction which is falling on the May flower full moon. I know while we are fresh in the trenches that we often hear “it gets better over time”, but I want people to know there is no time frame or rule book for any of this. We never get over losing our babies and we never stop grieving the life they should be living. I am grateful for the wonderful women I have met in this community and the support for one another is so beautiful. Seeing others rainbow baby stories has really inspired me over the last year and a half to keep going.
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