My husband and I always knew we wanted kids, preferably more than one as we are both only children (or ‘lonely children’ as I thought it was called when I was young). We didn’t really feel financially stable enough to try to have children until I was about 30 years old but then we were in the thick of Covid and I wasn’t convinced I wanted to bring a child into this world. I was also deathly afraid of the whole pregnancy and giving birth process. I’ve heard horror stories of women going blind during pregnancy, internally bleeding from an ectopic pregnancy, hemorrhaging while giving birth, dying. I was terrified to willingly put myself in a position to endure so many uncertainties.
In the spring of 2023 I was thinking about taking the next step in my professional career but it required going back to school to get my masters degree. This career path would give me the opportunity to work remote more often, which is important to me as we start to plan our family. I really didn’t want to put off starting a family until I was done with school… after a heart to heart with my best friend (who was going through IVF treatments at the time) she suggested we try to have a baby prior to me starting my master’s program. My plan was to apply for the 2024-2025 school year. So that’s what we did. Beginning in the summer of 2023 I gave us until November to get pregnant because I wanted to have the baby before starting school. After only 3 months of trying we got pregnant! I applied for school and got accepted. I would give birth 3 months prior to starting school which was great timing because I could start classes a few weeks before having to go back to work. It literally could not have worked out more perfectly.
The pregnancy was so easy. I had the normal morning/all-day sickness mid-way through the first trimester. The kind of sickness that makes you wonder why people willingly go through this time and time again. I was able to stay active the whole time and really took a focus on my pelvic floor. We found out we were having a boy (we kind of wanted a girl but were so excited either way!). He was always measuring about a week further along on ultrasounds. There were minor things they were watching such as my placenta being a little close to the cervix, which ended up pulling away by week 20. At the anatomy scan his renal pelvis was dilated which warranted another ultrasound at week 34, which verified that everything looked great. A week later he was gone.
I have probably replayed the day we lost our sweet boy, Finley, in my head a million times, including the weekend leading up to it. The morning we lost him I was busier at work than usual. I didn’t really realize until about 11am that I hadn’t really felt him move, or did I? I swear I at least felt his hiccups that morning, he had those constantly. I ate lunch then went out and laid down in my car and tried to get him to move. Once about 2pm came along I ended up leaving work, drove home, drank some orange juice and laid on my side for a bit… still nothing.
I called my midwives office and went into labor and delivery. Three people tried to find a heart beat (I knew the second they put the doppler on my that he was gone, his heartbeat was always so strong) and it was confirmed that he was gone via ultrasound at 35 weeks and 3 days. I was shocked. I felt fine. I had no bleeding, no cramping, my body literally gave me no sign besides his lack of movement. So many thoughts running through my mind… was it something I did? Was it the bath I took the night before? The workout I did? We were so busy the weekend prior… was I too busy? Would I have noticed he was in distress if I just didn’t do so much?
The baby was gone and I had so much to do…find somebody to pick up my bouquet I was supposed to pick up that evening for a maternity boudoir photoshoot I was doing the next day, cancel the photoshoot, tell the photographer that did our photos the weekend prior to not waste her time working on them, cancel my baby shower that was in 4 days (thank goodness for good friends that took this huge burden from me), call our parents, call my boss, figure out my leave. After all of this I was also going to have to go through labor and delivery?! The thing I was so worried to do all along. I recently had just finished up a 6 week course of hypnobirthing so all that preparation went out the window. I was to be induced and I wanted it to be as painless as possible. Bring on the fentanyl and the epidural. We attempted 24 hours of oral Misoprostol without much luck. We then resorted to mechanical measures with a Cook Cervical Ripening Balloon which got things going after a couple hours. Then things progressed quite quickly.
At 6:03am on April 4th, 2024 after about 36 hours from the start of induction and only about 20 minutes of pushing, Finley was here. And I was terrified to see him. But he was the most perfect thing ever weighing 6 lbs 14.5 ounces and measuring 20 inches. He had the longest toes and fingers, a head full of hair, and a little dimple chin like his dad. The nurses coordinated a photographer with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to stop by around 9am to take photos. We weren’t sure how we felt about doing that but I’m so glad we did and I’m forever grateful for the work that they do. Of course, I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t know it was possible to cry so much. The hospital staff allowed us to take as much time as we wanted with Finley, but I wanted so badly to just be home with my dogs, in bed, out of the hospital. We were discharged by Noon. I was taken such good care of by my midwife and nurses and my doula was such a rockstar. The nurses even took impressions of Finley’s hands and feet and made the cutest little shadow box for us.
I’m so thankful for my birthing experience, regardless of giving birth to a silent baby. Finley taught me that there’s nothing to be afraid of. When he was born, he was wrapped in the umbilical cord 4 times; around his neck, chest, abdomen, and foot. My placenta was sent to a local research hospital and they confirmed that he died due to fetal vascular malperfusion. I had these slides sent to Dr. Harvey Kliman at Yale and he further confirmed that it was due to an umbilical cord compression. The good thing is this isn’t anything genetic and there’s nothing increasing the risk of this happening for future pregnancies. The bad thing is this isn’t anything genetic and there’s nothing increasing the risk of this happening for future pregnancies. So, you just kind of lightning doesn’t strike twice.
I was so eager to try again as soon as possible. I decided to continue on with school and just take things as they come. I had already survived the birth of my dead son, what could be harder? Losing Finley also made us realize that if we wanted to do something, stop making excuses not to. We have been looking for a family vacation home in Arizona with our parents (somewhere to escape from the rainy pacific northwest winters) but put that on hold because of the baby. We ended up making a trip down 5 weeks after Finley’s birth and bought a home. During our trip back a few months later when we closed on the house, we found out we were pregnant with our rainbow. I swear Finley had it all planned out this way.
Our original plan was to wait 6 months before trying again but with the 2024 election coming up I was scared about getting bad news on the anatomy scan and not having the autonomy to decide whether to terminate or not. We tried at month 4 and shockingly got pregnant after the first month. The amount of angel signs I was getting on the 19 hours drive down to Arizona and the days leading up to the positive pregnancy test blows my mind. Repeat numbers, dragonflies everywhere (I associate these with Finley), randomly seeing a shirt that said ‘Mama’ in pink at a coffee shop which, of course, I had to buy. The same coffee shop I got a positive pregnancy test in 4 days later. I deeply feel our little girl was sent to us by our sweet boy up in the stars.
I’m so fortunate to have smooth pregnancies. This one has also been pretty textbook physically, minus the whole ‘previous fetal demise’ diagnosis. I had similar all day sickness in the first trimester which made me think I was having another boy but it’s a girl this time! Being pregnant with a different gender somewhat makes it easier to differentiate it from the last one however, there is definitely some guilt that comes along with it. We always wanted a girl (not that we didn’t want a boy, we were happy either way) but it’s almost like, did the universe take Finley away from us because we weren’t grateful enough? Those kinds of thoughts always lead me down an unhealthy spiral, I’m sure many loss mama’s can relate.
On April 3rd, 2025, 2 hours and 22 minutes before her big brother’s 1st birthday, Scotti Fin came into this world as perfect as can be.
Photos taken by Three Roses Photography.
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