Denise’s Story

My story to motherhood my look from the outside in as a walk in the park, I have 3 beautiful girls, 3 handsome boys, and another little boy on the way, but it only looks easy from the outside in, it has been anything but an easy road.

My story started back in 2009, when I got pregnant for the very first time, excited, nervous, but mostly excited! That joy and excitement was only a moment in time, I had my first miscarriage just a few short weeks later at work. It was sad and disappointing, but that would end up being the easiest miscarriage to move forward from looking back over the last 12 years.  It would take us another year before we realized that I was not ovulating anymore that the miscarriage had messed that up (thankfully I was in a study for pregnancy after miscarriage that caught that and we were able to move forward) but that was a long year of monthly negative tests. Then finally some hope and a positive test in July of 2010, but once again only to be dashed at our 6-week ultrasound to find that it was a blighted ovum, another loss under our belts and the hope of becoming parents once again doubting it would ever happen was the hardest part about that miscarriage and pregnancy.

The cycle next would end up bring our first rainbow baby to the world, our little Carson (well not so much anymore, but a fun, loving, great 10-year-old now) He was born in June of 2011 after a long and difficult labor, and I couldn’t have been more excited to be his mother, I cannot even describe the moment I first saw him, but I knew he was meant to be mine. A long journey, but one that shaped me to become his mother.

Because of our history, after 6 months with Carson we decided to let another baby come to our family if it was the right time for them. When he was 13 months old, I got pregnant again in July of 2012. With multiple losses it is hard to get your hopes up, but you do try. Once again only a short few weeks of knowing a little one was on the way, we had to say goodbye to that little one, I was miscarrying for the 3rd time. Anyone who has lost someone and especially a child at any stage knows grief comes in many ways, this time it came first as anger. I was angry, I thought we were past this, I already had one beautiful child, why could I not have a second one. I remember one night after just being so angry, I heard a still small voice whisper “I have not forgot you!”  That little moment in time drew me closer to my Savior and soften my heart to try again.

As with Carson, I immediately got pregnant again after this 3rd loss and to our love and joy we welcome our second rainbow baby Sydni into our family just 4 days before her older brother’s birthday in June of 2013. She was the best gift I could have been given after for a moment, wondering if I had been forgotten.

My fourth loss would come when Sydni was just 7 months old in 2014, I was shocked to even be pregnant and was even more nervous to welcome a third baby into our family, knowing I would have a three-year-old, a 1-year-old, and a newborn, that was a lot to handle. I would end up carrying this baby longer than I had with either of my previous losses. By the time I loss baby at twelve weeks I had grown to love this baby and with that came emotions of much sadness and grief.

This time we decided to wait to get pregnant again, we waited a few months before we felt we were ready to go through the emotions that for us seem to come. We tried again and found ourselves pregnant a few months later, only once again to find out we were not going to be able to get this next baby either. With emotions and thoughts of are we only going to have two children, when we wanted a big family creeping into our minds again, was hard to swallow and put into God’s timing.

With faith to try again, we tried the very next cycle and to our surprise we got pregnant. And that is when I thought we had found our pattern (miscarry, get pregnant cycle after, deliver a perfect rainbow baby) And that is just what happened we welcome our third rainbow baby another little boy who we named Kayden in 2015, and he was the perfect third baby, content and just adorable!

In March of 2016 when Kayden was just 9 months old, I found myself again pregnant, which with my losses I figured we would lose this baby too and tried not to get attached to them just only to lose them (but is that really possible) To our surprise this sweet little princess stuck and we welcome our little Riley into our family in December of 2016.

Could my pregnancy issues be resolved somehow? Did I learn what ever lesson I needed from these trials? Some of the questions I had in my head when her pregnancy and birth came with out incident.

In 2018, we decided to try for a fifth baby and thankfully we did not have to wait long to find we were expecting, I was much calmer with this pregnancy than I was with any of the others, probably because Riley had come so easily. Thankfully this pregnancy was also without grief and pain, we welcomed our third boy on Halloween day 2018 who we named Lincoln.

Having had 5 babies and 5 losses in a span of nine years, as you can imagine that is a lot to process and take care of and we found ourselves overwhelmed but did not feel our family was complete. We told ourselves we would wait until our Lincoln was 3 before trying again and finishing our family with two more little ones.

However, God had other plans and boy where those plans not our own and would come as the biggest trial in parenthood and bringing children into the world. In April of 2020, I had missed my cycle, but I had also started working out and figured my cycle was thrown off because of that, so I took a test only to prove it was negative, only to be given the biggest shock of my life, I was indeed pregnant with baby number six.

Everything seemed to be going just perfectly, like the two pregnancies before. We made it to the 20-week ultrasound in August of 2020 with excitement, were we going to keep our Boy/Girl baby even on baby number 6. We brought black balloons for our five children to pop when we got back, and to our surprise we were indeed going to have a little girl join our family, who we would name Lexi. But the next morning, I got a call from my doctor, that she wanted to see me before I left on a trip instead of waiting until my next appointment, as you can imagine that would bring up some anxiety and fear of why she would be calling me. I would on my own due to world conditions have to find out on my own that our little girl had CDH (Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia), a one vessel cord,  and later we would find out she also had CHD ( Congenital Heart Condition, she had a hole in her heart) The odds were not good, they gave her almost no chance to make it to birth. We decided to give her whatever chance she had and gave her life she needed it. Those last 5 weeks with her were hard, trying, and almost a blur. On September 9,2020 we had an ultrasound to check on growth with specialists only to find she no longer had a heartbeat. Our sweet Lexi had gone to live with her Father in Heaven, on September 11th she was born still and was the most perfect things I ever seen. So many miracles happened that I can not describe, one being she was born on September 11th the day that changed my uncle’s life forever, you see he signed up to join the Marine’s after 9/11 and he would ultimately give his life for the cause( throughout my pregnancy, I found myself very close to him comforting me throughout), I was able to hear Lexi’s last words to me, “Mommy, I will be alright, I love you.”  This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life without my little girl, but I know she is still right besides me, especially with my pregnancy with her little brother, who will be my fourth rainbow baby and due in mid-December.

Our fourth rainbow baby a boy, is Due December 19, 2021 and my sweet Lexi had a due date of December 24,202 so as you can imagine it has been a pregnancy full of grief, joy, healing, and so much more. I know she is looking out for her little brother and is always in our hearts.  

A song that I have loved this year and helped me get through this pregnancy and loosing my Lexi is by Hillary Weeks

December, you left a chill on my bones

Now I’m nothing but cold and empty

And it’s getting hard for me to believe

That I will never see spring again

And just when I don’t ever think I’ll feel the sun again

He sends June

In the middle of December

And my heart melts just enough to let a little hope back in

I feel the warmth of His love telling me winter won’t last forever

I feel His grace when He sends a little bit of June

In the middle of December

So I get up and I open the shades

My way of showing a little faith today

And heaven knows how much I need to see blue skies again

So he sends June

In the middle of December

And I feel peace chase away this frozen storm inside

I feel His grace when He sends a little bit of June

In the middle of my broken heart

The sleepless nights

Through awful lot of tears

I realized that I’m not along

He knows my soul

‘Cause He sends June

He sends June

Oooh…

In the middle of December.

Though my journey to motherhood has been long, hard, difficult, joyful, and so much more. I am grateful to the moments I have had with each of my children living and loss (but only for a moment) until we meet again, this I know to be true. We each have our stories and our stories can heal the broken heart when we least expect it and we may never know how our stories touched others.  God has blessed me with 3 sweet rainbow babies, 2 precious children who just came when they were wanted and able, 1 sweet baby we visit often, and our 4th rainbow soon and I could not be more happy even amongst the sadness that does come.

Denise is wearing a long blue dress and standing on a road lined with trees.  The rainbow skirt flows out on either side and she is holding her pregnant belly.
Denise is wearing a long blue dress and standing on a road lined with trees.  The rainbow skirt flows out on either side and she is holding her pregnant belly.
Denise is wearing a long blue dress and standing on a road lined with trees.  The rainbow skirt flows out on either side and she is holding her pregnant belly.
Close up of Denise wearing a long blue dress and standing on a road lined with trees.  The rainbow skirt flows out on either side and she is holding her pregnant belly.
Close up of Denise wearing a long blue dress and standing on a road lined with trees.  The rainbow skirt flows out on either side and she is holding her pregnant belly.
Close up of Denise's pregnant belly.  She is holding it with her hands and the rainbow skirt flows down the side.
Close up of Denise's pregnant belly.  She is holding it with her hands and the rainbow skirt flows down the side.  The sun is shining through the tree behind her.

Photos taken by Diane Owen Photography.

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