I had 2 boys born in 2008 (Kadyn) and 2016 (Koltyn). No problems, easy deliveries. In 2019 my husband and I started trying again. I had an early miscarriage in Feb 2019, and then again in September of 2019. My 2nd one was full of fear and anxiety. I was making up reasons every 2 days to flip between the 2 local hospitals to get my blood drawn to make sure my HCG levels were rising. My elbows were so bruised. This lasted for about 3 weeks, and in the end I ended up miscarrying again. I got a d&c and found out this one was another boy. After that, we decided to stop trying and if it happened it happened.
Jan 19th 2020, a friend from church asked if we were still trying. She asked if we would be interested in adopting, because there was someone in a program with her that was interested in placing their son. I said absolutely! We met Erica Jan 30th 2020 for lunch and my husband hit it off with her right away. A couple days after we met, she told us that she would love for us to take him from birth. He was born March 4th. She was discharged before we were. We named him Karsyn Jakai because Jakai was the name his first mom would have given him had she kept him.
Covid happened and the world shut down and our new family got to spend so much time together. It was absolutely wonderful. I never believed kids couldn’t like the car until Karsyn. He LOVED being held so each day was spent wearing him in everything I did. He passed on May 20th due to SIDS. We had him for 11 amazing weeks until he went to be with God.
Summer of 2022 I finally let go of all desires to have any more kids. I was finally good with just those 5. Part of me always knew it would happen. I felt called to have a baby with the middle name of James because of the book in the Bible. Karysn was supposed to be James but we decided Jakai was a better fit. So I always knew there would be one more.
August 2022 I found out I was pregnant. Scared again, I went through the motions of being prepared to lose this one too. A friend of mine asked a girl at work to pray for me and she said immediately she heard a heartbeat. So I felt peace that this baby would make it. I did a sneak peek test in my bathroom, and we found out we would have another boy. I was not connecting to this pregnancy, I was really struggling to allow myself to be happy. I didn’t want another one. I didn’t want to be scared through pregnancy and for months after birth. I worked through a lot of things and finally allowed myself to be okay.
The night before Thanksgiving, we got an early ultrasound and found out the sneak peek was wrong and we were having a baby girl. I wanted a girl my whole life, and I was finally getting that! I’m due in May 2023 with Kynslee James. Pregnancy after loss is a hard thing. Sometimes you’re excited and sometimes you’re terrified. But each moment I’m thankful.
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