The talk of starting a family was nerve wracking but oh so exciting. My husband and I were ready to have a baby after years of dreaming of the “one day”. Surprisingly enough, our prayers had been answered fairly quickly. August 26, 2023, I saw the two pink lines and I felt my heart grow. I was going to be a mom. I had a baby growing inside my belly! We were overjoyed with excitement and joy, so ready to jump on the crazy ride of parenthood.
We got to see our little baby at 9 weeks, she looked like a little bean. All my bloodwork came back good, and we found out we were having a baby girl. I will never forget that day, so much happiness picturing our life with her. We named her Quinn, a name we talked about using for years. I was living in pregnancy bliss! Everything was perfect, until our world came crashing down.
We headed to our 12-week baby appointment expecting to hear her heartbeat on the doppler, have the doctor tell us everything looked good, and throw our gender reveal party the coming weekend. However, our future looked quite different and changed my husband and I forever. My doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat with the doppler. She reassured me that this happens sometimes, the baby could be hiding, that we will just have to go into an ultrasound.
My heart started beating faster as fear entered my mind. My husband was reassuring me that it all would be okay. We go into the ultrasound; she can’t find the baby. She calls for another doctor, who finds our precious daughter right away. Before she said anything, I knew something was wrong. She didn’t look much different than she did at our 9-week scan. I’ve seen 12-week scans, I knew what they should look like. Then we hear the words “I’m sorry, your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat and is measuring too small for 12 weeks.” I think the world stopped spinning. At least my world did. Everything after that, is a blur. It didn’t make sense, I had no signs, no bleeding, nothing.
The next few months of my life were the hardest months I’ve ever had to live through. Heartbreaking months, time where life just didn’t make sense. We had no explanations as to why this happened to our baby, which may be one of the worst parts. Did I do something wrong? Can I even have children? So many unanswered questions that lingered in my mind.
Fast forward to now, and our sweet rainbow baby is due October 1, 2024. This pregnancy has been a whole lot of things for me. It’s been stressful, scary, but oh so joyful. The milestones are very bittersweet, knowing Quinn should’ve had those milestones as well. But, if she did, then we wouldn’t have our baby boy. We still miss Quinn daily and think of her more often than not. My husband and I plan to tell our baby Oliver all about his big sister. We are so thankful and blessed to be pregnant with our rainbow baby. Through all the pregnancy struggles and stresses, it will be all worth it when we have our baby in our arms.
Photos taken by Courtney Jackson Photography.
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