In sept ‘22, I was in a car accident that changed my life. I lost my career that day along with part of who I was. Less than 3 weeks after I found out I was pregnant! I was not working, fully casted and so depressed. Finding out I was pregnant was a dream come true, a form of hope to hold onto.
Without much time to process anything that had happened, I was overjoyed and excited, pushing the fear and worry to the side. Months went by and the excitement of soon meeting my baby boy over took all the other thoughts and emotions. I had taken on the role of motherhood as in the accident I lost who I had worked so hard to become.
My pregnancy was fairly uneventful, up until 28+ weeks. I had chose to have a home birth and had hired a private birth worker to work with me during my pregnancy. After my car accident not only did I feel lost but I felt extremely unprepared and vulnerable for this new journey of pregnancy and motherhood, I hired this women with the intention of helping me be fully prepared and learn all the things I didn’t know.
Just after 28 weeks I noticed my blood pressure was fluctuating to extremely high values, with this concerning find I saw my GP. After discussing with my GP I had a urine sample done revealing I had protein found in my urine. The woman I had hired told me nothing was to be concerned with, protein in my urine was normal and the fluctuations within blood pressure was also normal (only to find it was very much NOT normal, if you experience either of these please seek medical attention).
In being a first time mom I knew nothing, I trusted and believed this woman was knowledgeable and well informed on the information she was providing me. Trying to keep focused on soon meeting my baby boy I continued to track my blood pressure, trusting the direction of the woman I hired. On June 13 2022 just after 12am I was given the most earth shattering news, “ I’m sorry there is no heartbeat”. Within seconds every emotion, thought and feeling overtook my body. Moments of panic came and left as it sank into my body, my baby boy was gone.
On June 15 2023 at 1:15am I delivered my sweet baby boy, he came out as perfect as could be, every detail I could get lost in. The shock and pain of this tragic event almost stood still when I got to hold him, his perfect little body in my arms although with every moment turning cold, it was perfect he was perfect. Time froze as I spoke sweet words to him, just lost in his little features, holding his little hand. Days following were never as I expected, taking my son home was not an option while planning a funeral became a new reality, leaving the hospital with a piece of paper of his hand/foot prints was my parting gift. Motherhood felt a way I could have never imagined, an experience I almost felt was so soon taken away from me.
Now over a year later, after countless days of relearning who I actually am, losing my career and taking on the role of motherhood to only have that to be felt like it was so abruptly taken from me. I was letting Liam teach me. I learned how to fall in love with myself and life all over again. I came to a sort of peace with what motherhood started off as for me, it was never taken but reevaluated to a different form of teaching. My hardest struggle became by biggest growth and largest love.
In March 2024 I found out I was pregnant with my rainbow baby, utter shock as we had been trying for months and no luck. I am now currently pregnant with my rainbow baby, Liam will have a baby brother. Motherhood never unfolded how I would have expected, while I am proud to say Liam made me a mother and his short time with us made me a even better human being and allowed me to grow past my limits and become even more prepared for his brother to make his arrival this December’24.
I could have never imagined my life with Liam to have looked like this but I can with confidence say he has changed my life and will forever be a huge part of me. I look forward to the days where I can tell Liam’s sibling(s) all about him, how the time we spent together was some of the best moments of my life, he will forever be my first son and the one who chose me to be his mother, giving me the gift of motherhood.
Photos taken by Shannon Avila.
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