1. Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?
My husband and I got married April 2018 and I was pregnant before the end of the year. We actually took a trip to Mexico for the holidays and found out Christmas morning that I was pregnant with our first baby together. He has a 10 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We couldn’t believe I was pregnant and us finding out Christmas morning was so amazing. Best Christmas gift ever! We were so excited and just making plans in our heads right away. Going through names we liked, etc
2. What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?
Within a couple days of finding out I was pregnant, all the pregnancy symptoms came at once. Since we were out of the country, I had to find a doctor there to confirm the pregnancy. It was still early in, but we were able to see sack and baby.
3. Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?
At one of the ultrasounds, we found out that there was a rupture and I was given progesterone to help the rupture heal. It never did and eventually our baby started shrinking in size. We weren’t given a reason as to why this happened other than “this is normal”. Once we returned back home, I went to see my regular OB. He agreed with the other dr and also said that “this is normal”. I think I was more devastated to hear that than anything else.
4. How far along were you?
5. What are your babies names?
We named our baby Noel since we found out on Christmas morning about my pregnancy and also since we didn’t get to find out gender
6. What was the birthing/loss experience like?
It was very confusing. I had a D&C done, so I don’t get to see or feel much? Other than the healing process after. I wasn’t sure how to feel; sad, mad, get over it. It was a hard time to figure out thoughts and feelings
7. Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?
8. How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?
Other than the day at the hospital and the follow up appointment a few weeks later, there wasn’t much support
9. Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?
No, everyone just saw it as no big deal and couldn’t understand why I was stuck in a place where I didn’t know how to feel or think
10. How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)
I had all the emotions. Angry, sad, confused. I tried to be “rational” about it and make myself get over it because that’s what everyone else wanted me to do and how they were acting. But I just couldn’t! I decided that I was going to let myself feel all the emotions, recognize that this was a baby that we wanted and we temporarily had and that the loss was worth acknowledging
11. How did you know you were ready to try again?
I always knew I wanted children and I think part of me felt pressured to try again so soon after in case there were other things wrong that we didn’t know about and needed time to heal/fix, but I don’t think I really knew emotionally if I was ready or not
12. What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?
I got pregnant with our rainbow baby in the fall of 2019 and it was a very scary pregnancy. We had a lot of false tests, a really hard fall that scared us, many things that felt like the world was against us. My son was born in 2020 in the middle of covid, so no maternity pictures, no baby showers. It felt so heavy to skip those things, especially after our loss. Now we are expecting a baby girl, no complications with this pregnancy at all. It has gone so smooth that it’s scary. Both my pregnancies after the loss of our first baby have been full of fear and anxiety, but this time we are ready to celebrate big and try to enjoy the little things along the way
13. Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?
We acknowledge the loss and we remember by having things with our baby’s name on it. Especially for the holidays. We have Easter eggs with his/her name on it, Christmas ornaments, etc. His/her due date was August 15th. We conceived our son around that time the year after and our baby girl is now due August 12th. We feel this is a sign of God’s faithfulness and a reminder that no matter how horrible things seem at the time, he always comes through, especially in the middle of our pain
14. Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?
Don’t be ok with doctors telling you that the loss of your baby “is normal”. It might be common, but it’s not normal. Don’t let the judgement of other people prevent you from feeling what you need to feel. It’s your baby, it’s a loss, there’s pain that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. Get help, connect with other loss parents and look for support.
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