I had my daughter 4 years ago despite a difficult pregnancy and a traumatic birth and labor/delivery experience. Got hit with ppd and ppa very hard.
We finally decided we were ready to continue growing our family last year and we gratefully got pregnant right away. Saw my OB for my first sonogram at 8 weeks and everything was great and I announced our pregnancy the following day. Within 24 hours I started spotting, then it was heavier, the ER found a subchorionic hematoma. I was told 9/10 women come through it just fine and continue a healthy pregnancy. Another Dr told me to go home and pray, hard.
2 days later, I was in terrible pain. It reminded me of my first labor with my daughter. Drove myself to the hospital since my husband was at work, and he met me there. After waiting for hours, still in terrible pain, I heard the words “I’m sorry there was no fetal heart beat” my world collapsed right then and there.
It’s been a struggle, daily, to pick myself up and move around. I had to tell myself to do it for my husband and my daughter, but I’m a shell of who I was. I felt so physically empty inside, as well as emotionally drained. I needed control over something and chose to get pregnant again as soon as possible. I knew it wouldn’t resolve the heart ache or the anxiety. But I could physically fill the empty void left inside my uterus. I needed it.
I got pregnant again and my Drs did everything to get me to full term with a healthy baby During the pregnancy I got a UTI and kidney stones which caused an infection and sepsis at 35 weeks. I was in the ICU and antepartum wing of the hospital for almost 2 weeks. I delivered my rainbow baby via C-section at 39 weeks to a healthy and handsome baby boy.
I still struggle with the loss of our angel baby, Mackenzie. But I’m trying everyday as best I can to make it another day, another milestone, another week.
Photos taken by Amanda Ratliff.
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