“If it happens, it happens!”
That was our mindset for about a year. We stopped using protection and just casually hoped a little one would pop up in my belly. At the end of that year, we decided we were absolutely ready to start a family. But we were a little concerned about why it hadn’t happened already.
Everyone else was having babies left and right!
So we talked to my doctor, and after running a few tests, she confirmed my suspicions.
It would be difficult for me to get pregnant without some help. My body was NOT producing the estrogen needed to ovulate, so I couldn’t get pregnant on my own. She prescribed Clomid to give my uterus a little boost. And wouldn’t you know it, it worked on the very first try!
In January 2021, I got my first positive pregnancy test. I’d never felt happier than in that moment. We were finally pregnant! But that excitement didn’t last. A couple of weeks later, I began spotting. A few days after that, I miscarried my first pregnancy. We were devastated but we weren’t going to give up so easily.
After trying to get pregnant again for another year with no success, we started seeing a fertility specialist. Since we were able to get pregnant once, he recommended we try IUI. The first three rounds of treatment were a no-go. But I told myself to trust the process. Lucky for me, the fourth attempt was a success!
Things seemed like they were finally looking up. Even then, I was cautious because of everything we’d already been through. The weekend before our first ultrasound appointment, I started feeling pain and discomfort in my lower abdomen. I couldn’t help but assume the worst.
We show up for our first ultrasound appointment, hopeful yet terrified. We expected to see our little one in my belly, but instead, I was rushed into surgery that same day. My pregnancy was ectopic, and they ended up removing my right fallopian tube. Another pregnancy lost—and literally a piece of my baby-making body.
The week that followed hit me hard, both physically and emotionally. I was recovering from the procedure AND coping with the fact that I was pregnant one day, and then I wasn’t. Part of me wishes I had given myself more time to heal before trying as soon as my body would let me. But I was so focused on having our rainbow baby, we continued with IUI.
When I found out I was pregnant again only 2 months after the ectopic pregnancy, my reaction was mostly shock. Of course, I was happy. This is what we’d been trying for all along! But I had my doubts from day one. I didn’t want to say it, let alone think it, but it was too good to be true. I wish I had been wrong, but once again, we lost another pregnancy far too early.
Since then, I’ve realized how important it is for me to process the grief I had been holding on to. Therapy has played a huge role in helping me heal and move forward. Since the loss of our three angel babies, we also lost a fur baby to lymphoma.
After years of misfortune, we recently decided we were ready to start trying again. We can’t wait to hold our rainbow baby in our arms. Hopefully, someday soon.
We’ll take all the baby dust in the meantime!
If you want to read about my story in more detail and follow along on our journey, check it out at veesjourney.com. Writing has been a therapeutic way for me to deal with my grief and help process my emotions. So, I started this blog to share our story with others and to help them feel less alone if they have, or are going through, a similar journey. If you want to laugh and cry with me as I navigate life and this incredible journey, check out my blog!
Sending so much love and strength to every single person who has felt the pain and heartbreak of loss. You are not alone, and this is not the end.
You’re a baddie, and I love you!
Photos taken by Jessica Gledhill.
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