On the 16th August 2021, our world changed forever. Alex was out and I was playing Fallout 76 on my Playstation with my friend Stef. I was having a big old whinge to Stef about how sore my boobs were and “stupid PMS”. “You don’t think you’re pregnant do you girl?” she says, and I suddenly started to wonder when my last period was. I jumped off my game and went and took a test. It very quickly came back as positive! I burst into tears. I was so happy and so shocked and so terrified. I had come to the conclusion after so long, that Alex and I would never be parents, but here, in my hand was something I never thought I would see, a positive pregnancy test! When Alex arrived home, I tried to hide the fact I’d been crying and asked him to sit on the lounge as I had a surprise for him. He closed his eyes and held out his hands and I put the test in his hands. He opened his eyes and stared at the test for what felt like forever. “You’re going to be a daddy!” I will never forget the look of pure love and excitement in Alex’s eyes as he leapt of the lounge and hugged me. We were finally going to be parents!
A few days later I headed off to my GP to get the test confirmed and see what was next. My GP wanted me to go with the private system so I have ongoing care due to my PCOS etc, so I opted to go with Dr Nashim and her private team, but birth within the public system. We met up with Azra and got to know her and knew we were in the safest hands for my pregnancy. It still didn’t feel real! The whole first trimester was during lockdown, which I was kind of glad for. I was so tired and my morning sickness (that was more like evening sickness) would’ve made me doing photoshoots very difficult. By week 12, my beautiful little bump was starting to show and I started doing a weekly photoshoot of myself in my large collection of gowns so I could have a nice timeline of my pregnancy at the end. We decided we would hold off on announcing as I wanted to do something “extra” for our announcement and we wanted to make sure everything was safe and we’d told our closest first. As we were in lockdown and couldn’t see our families to tell them in person, we decided we wanted to do something special to tell our parents. We ordered bottles of wine from our favourite vineyard Ivanhoe and had the custom labels I’d designed put on them. We posted them off interstate to our parents with strict instructions they were not to open the box. Our 10th wedding anniversary was coming up so we knew we had a good cover! “Its a special bottle we can all drink together on a zoom call dinner on our anniversary” No one was the wiser! So on the 22nd September, we joined our parents for a zoom chat and to crack a celebratory bottle of wine. It was so exciting to be able to see everyone’s faces as they read what was on the bottle! A week later we announced to our closest friends and siblings as well.
I felt like I was the most cruisy pregnant woman. Everything was going so smoothly during my pregnancy. All scans and results were coming back great, bub was healthy and we had found out after doing some blood tests that we were expecting a little boy! As we were now entering the second trimester and I was showing quite obviously, it was time for us to start really organising this announcement. I wanted the shoot to be a bit of a throwback to our engagement photos 11 years ago. We did them in a train yard with Alex in a WW2 military uniform and me in full pinup. So I ordered Alex an outfit and dug through my dresses to see what one I wanted to wear. A friend of mine has a private train yard with a recently restored R class that I was very attached to. I knew That I needed to incorporate that train into the shoot. It almost felt to me like a little mascot of sorts for our boy. Early in the pregnancy when we were in lockdown and I was going stir crazy, I would go up to the yard and run around taking photos of the trains, the landscapes, myself in cosplays… all while watching the boys finishing off restoring this particular train, so it felt like the perfect way to announce. So finally, on a warm and windy day, we dressed up and headed to the yard to shoot our announcement. While we were there Alex pointed to a train in the shed and says “I reckon our son would prefer that train over the R”. “Nah, our son wouldn’t want a diesel train darl! He’d like this big steam train like his Mumma!” I replied. After realising we would not agree on our son’s preferred train, we finished off the shoot and headed back home. That night we made it Facebook official! I was so excited now to be able to share our journey to parenthood with everyone. The world was coming out of lockdown again and I was proudly flaunting my bump around!
And then came those first movements. Everyone had told me it was something magical, but I still was not prepared. We were out for an evening drive in our M3, and well, you can take an M3 out onto country back roads without having a little bit of fun. Alex accelerated and I giggled having the time of my life. All of a sudden I felt this weird fluttering in my belly. I told Alex Id felt something but wasn’t sure if it was our son moving or if I imagined it. He accelerated again, and again I felt the flutters. We both burst out laughing. Clearly our little boy was going to be a motorsports fan like his Dad! I will never forget the exact bend I felt those first movements. We now call it Clyde’s corner every time we drive through it!
On Tuesday the 7th December, our world changed forever. We headed in for our morphology scan, no worries at all in the world, excited to see our very active little man on the screen again. In typical form, he was being stubborn and wouldn’t lay the right way for the sonographer to accurately get his measurements. he asked me to empty my bladder and we’d try again. Now our boy was laying correctly, but had his hands and feet up over his face. We were sent outside to go for a little walk to get him moving around a bit. It was raining so we couldn’t go far. People driving by probably thought I was the strangest human, dancing and skipping down the footpath holding my round belly. We went back inside and got started again. He was starting to cooperate, we could see his little face now, and his profile was so distinct. We could see clear as day he had the same profile as me! That nose was unmistakeable! The sonographer takes some measurements and that says we now need to do my cervix measurements. He was very quiet and kept getting me to move slightly and raise my pelvis. I was so blissfully unaware our world was about to change. He told us to go for another walk and he would come collect us. We wander around outside again for a few minutes before he comes to collect us again. He sits us down and tells us that he has just called Azra and that we need to go to birthing right away! We are confused, what’s going on? He tells us that my cervix is open and we need to go to birthing right away. So we head off to the car, incredibly nervous, but also sure that everything will be fine and its just a precaution. After all, I’d had surgery on my cervix many years ago, so maybe it just doesn’t look the same as a normal cervix?
We get to Maitland Hospital and head straight in to birthing. The midwives take us into one of the suites and start taking my blood pressure etc and getting everything ready for when Azra arrived. When she gets there she has a chat to us about what the sonographer has seen and tells us she will need to do an internal examination. I knew something was wrong when she got some of the midwives to have a look at what she was seeing as well. She comes to stand beside me and puts her hand on my arm. I could see the sadness in her eyes. “I’m sorry my dear, but your cervix is open and your membranes are exposed” I was in shock. What does this mean? She explained to us that with my cervix being open and my membranes being exposed the way they are, I’ve opened both myself and our son up to all kinds of potential infections and that we don’t know how long I’ve been open for. My head was spinning, this was all too much. Surely it wasn’t real. Everything was going so perfectly! We were given a choice. Get a risky surgery to stitch my cervix closed, which would be difficult to do with my membranes bulging through my cervix and could potentially cause us to lose him, or do nothing and let nature take its course. They left Alex and I to have the heart breaking conversation. We decided we would let nature run its course. We left the hospital numb and in shock. All our dreams for our life to come were ending before they even had a chance to fully begin.
The next morning we received a call from Azra. She had spent the night calling other obstetricians discussing our case and wanted us to come back in so herself and some of her colleagues could have a look for some extra opinions. After they did another examination, they discussed with us that they thought it may be possible to do the surgery. Were we willing to give it a go. If successful it would mean complete bedrest for the duration of my pregnancy, but it means we could potentially save our boy! Yes! Lets do it! 3hrs later they prepped me for surgery and rolled me up to theatre. It was a very stormy afternoon. Thunder was rumbling loudly and setting off all the fire alarms in the old hospital, meaning delays to being able to do the surgery. I laughed with my surgical team. Only me would this happen to! Finally the alarms were shut off and they were able to continue getting ready to operate. They told me they would give me a small needle in my back to numb me. “So an epidural?” I ask. “No no, just a little needle. Nothing like that” they smile at me. “You’re lying” I laugh, “I’m a birth photographer! I know what an epidural needle is and that’s it!”. They all laughed. “”Nothing gets past you does it!” After many attempts due to the gaps in my spine being too small, the epidural finally was successful and very quickly my lower body went warm and suddenly I couldn’t feel anything bellow my belly button. The table was titled almost vertical, with my head near the floor to use gravity to pull our little man back into where he was supposed to be. Me being the talker that I am, chatted away with everyone about photographer life while they operated. And just like that, it was done. Azra let me know that it was successful and my membranes didn’t rupture. She also told me that it was the most difficult cerclage she’s ever had to do, as I actually have next to no cervix due to my surgery years ago to remove pre-cancerous cells. I was wheeled into recovery. I was starving. I chatted the nurses ears off and they brought me biscuits and juice. Eventually I was moved back to maternity for the night and Alex was there waiting. Through the night I started getting feeling back in my legs and I was so damn excited when I could move my toes, but even more excited when I could feel our active little man happily doing somersaults.
The next day I was released home on bedrest orders. I was told I had strict toilet and shower privileges only! I spent the next few days watching movies and hanging out with my next door neighbours who were coming over to spend time with me. On the Friday, I lay in bed now feeling very sore. I assumed it was from the surgery. Our son, who we had now names Clyde, was rolling around and kicking his tiny legs. “Dude! Stop kicking the trap door” I laughed. My cramping got worse, but I didn’t think much of it, after all, I’ve just been through surgery. Of course I’ll be sore. Dinner was approaching and this particular night, I had a real craving for baked mac and cheese. So I sent Alex off on a wild goose chase to find me baked mac and cheese. While he was out, I climbed out of bed to take myself to the shower. It was then I realised that it may not just be cramps. I felt the dreaded lower back pain and knew I was in the early stages of labour. I waddled off to the shower and as soon as I removed my underwear there was a slight trickle down my leg. My membranes had ruptured. I jumped in the shower, feeling the waves of very mild contractions. When I got out, I packed my birth bag and the wrap I’d hoped I would’ve been putting a full term Clyde in. Alex came in the door, proudly proclaiming that he had found me backed mac and cheese! “I’m in labour”. He quickly dumps the chicken wings and mac on the dining room table and runs to grab what he may need for the night. I lean over the table scooping a few mouthfuls in and then we jump in the car.
We arrive at the birthing and are taken down to the furthest and most private room. Birthing suite 5. It was a large room with an attached private sitting room with leather couches and a view out over the flood plains. Azra arrived and held my hand, telling me I’m going to do amazing and explaining to me that we know what the outcome will be. Unfortunately at 22 weeks, Clyde would be too young to survive. I smile with understanding, heartbroken, but trying not to dwell too much as I knew I had a job to do to bring him here. I laboured for 12hours all up. And was very proud of myself that I went drug free. I had always wanted a water birth, but unfortunately due to my infections from my cervix being open, this was no longer a possibility. It was a long night, and poor Alex was exhausted, so the midwives brought him in a bed so he could get some rest. I couldn’t stay still at all, as I felt better labouring and getting through contractions while I was walking or standing leaning over the bed. While Alex slept, I messaged my girlfriends and my mum. Stef was counting through my contractions with me via snapchat. They were coming strong and fast now. And god were they getting long. I continued to sip my cup of tea, now completely naked as I suddenly couldn’t stand the feeling of clothes touching me!
Our midwife for the night was Barb, a woman I’ve known since I was tiny myself. I grew up in the same cul-de-sac and her dog was best friends with our cat. It was so nice to have such a familiar face there. She kept laughing at me telling me there was no award for being a mater and going drug free. Finally Barb convinced me to get some rest. I climbed in to bed and Alex joined me so we could cuddle, his hand resting protectively on my belly. The lights were turned off and it was all very quiet and peaceful. Then I heard a familiar voice. It was Alex’s mums voice. “Its ok, I’m here now” she said softly. I knew her angel had come to collect our boy. Then I felt Clyde roll for the last time. I turned to look over my shoulder at Alex and told him his mum had come and that Clyde was safely in her arms now. The tears flowed and the contractions continued. That was around 4am. At around 6am the contractions were now very hard and I was wandering around wanting to see the sunrise. Barb could see I was exhausted and asked if I wanted some apple juice for a bit of a sugary pick me up. As I leaned over Alex’s bed, sway through the contractions I took a big sip of the juice. Suddenly I felt almost like a drop inside of me. I yelped in shock. What was that! Suddenly, it was like a bucket opened up between my legs as my water broke in full force. I remember Alex saying “Thank god I put my shoes back on!” Barb guided me back towards the bed and helped me climb on. She did a quick check and sure enough, Clyde was ready to make his entrance. He was breech, so coming out feet first. I gently let two contractions work his feet and little body out. But I still had to push for birthing his head. As his cord was too short for him to be brought straight to my chest, Alex joined Barb and cut the cord. Barb then placed our tiny boy on my chest. He was perfect! We held each other and cried and smiled and beamed and felt just about every emotion under the sun. I was so proud, I was so in love, I was so heartbroken. He was born at 6;27am on the 11th December 2021, at 24cm long and weighing 360grams. He had my nose and jawline, Alex’s eyebrows and hairline, my feet with the curled under pinkie toe, Alex’s fingernails. We could not have asked for a more perfect son!
We spent the rest of the day with our perfect little boy, taking a lifetime of photos, taking in every little bit of him. I introduced him to the world by “Lion Kinging” him at the window, I danced and twirled holding him, Alex played aeroplanes with him. While it was the toughest day of our lives, it was also the most beautiful, because we spent the day creating fun memories with Clyde that we will cherish forever. Our eyes full of tears, a smiles beaming and our hearts full of love.
The days that followed were hard, never did I think we would be planning a funeral for our son, while trying to move into the new house we had purchased to be our fresh new family home and trying to get our Convent ready to put on the market as well. But our family and friends rallied around us and helped us to get through it. We were overwhelmed by the outpouring of love in the form of flowers, cuddles and home cooked meals. It made things that little bit easier on us, knowing we were not completely alone. A few days after Clyde was born, we were sitting on the lounge watching tv and aimlessly scrolling on our phones. I stumble upon a picture posted by The Picnic Train (which is the company that operates the trains we’ve been using throughout the pregnancy). The photo was a 42 Class diesel train, and for those non train nerds following along at home, that is the exact type of train that Alex had pointed out at our announcement shoot saying that our son would love! The Picnic Train had operated that train (which doesn’t happen often) on the 11th December. Clyde’s birthday! Clearly Alex was right and that was our son’s choice of train. After a bit of research into the particular train, we found out it was built by ‘Clyde Engineering’. It was just way too much of a coincidence! So clearly we have a boy who knows what he likes! I wanted to incorporate his train into the memorial somehow, so I sketched a drawing of it into the guest book. On the day of the memorial, our beautiful friends Bec and Greg came to us with a gift. A model of that exact train! Colour and all! It was perfect! We absolutely treasure it for our little train loving dude! The memorial was incredibly special. We held it at Tocal Homestead, as that was where we got married so it just felt right. We had Clyde’s ashes put into his bear so that everyone could give him cuddles, and so, there on the exact spot that Alex twirled me on our wedding day, I twirled with my son, feeling so overwhelmed with love knowing I’d danced with both my men on that same spot!
Clyde has since made his presence known many many ways, reminding us that he is always with us. Showing us that he knows what he wants with everything. He changed us as people and made us parents. He made us better versions of ourselves. And he made me want to be strong and help other women going down this road. So this project is for you Clyde! I hope I’m making you proud! Because I know you are making me proud! we will love you forever and until eternity Clyde Theodore King! Thank you for choosing us!
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