August 27th, 2022 will always be remembered as my boy’s birthday. Sarvin Bhalru was born on this day at 22 weeks and 1 day and lived for 4 hours with no support until he joined the stars.
It all started in February when my husband and I decided to officially start trying, so I removed my IUD. In April we concieved and were so excited for the journey. Everything was going smoothly through my pregnancy with no major concerns, until a few days leading up to Sarvin’s Birthday. A couple of days before I was have major back pains and on and off cramping. The night before I was having a lot of discharge and the morning of going to the hospital I was starting to have my consistent contractions every 2 minutes. At that point I knew I was in labour and honestly was just quiet.
Once arriving to the hospital it was confirmed that I was already 5-5-7cm dilated and there was nothing to do but bedrest. I was diagnosed with incompetent cervix. My parents and my husband stayed by my side the whole time. I had the most amazing midwife and nurses with me that captured all the moments and emotions as I was delivering my son. I was still able to do skin to skin and hold him the whole time. My husband and I had our moments with our son, sang to him, admired his appearance and looks and were in awh of the creation we made. The moment the nurse came in to finally tell us his heart has stopped, it went silent. My husband and I didn’t say goodbye to him, but rather see you later because we believed we would see him again.
After 6 weeks we decided to try again because we knew for a fact we want to be parents and always dreamt of a big family. During the end of January 2023 we had a chemical pregnancy loss. I was devastated and started to give up. I was scheduled for a fertility appointment in March and I remember having a dream the night before of my Boy, Sarvin, telling me not to worry and that I do not need to go to it. The next morning, just because of the dream I decided to take a pregnancy test and a very very very faint line appeared. I cried and had to get my husband to confirm it.
I am currently 4 months pregnant. Pregnancy after loss is definitely another roller coaster ride. I had my fair shares of hospital visits already and many many tests, but slowly my hope is starting to grow greater than my fear and anxiety. I am staying positive because I know my son, Sarvin, is keeping his little brother safe through this pregnancy.
I want other mamas to not give up hope. Yes loss is difficult and different for all but it does matter. I intend to honor Sarvin for the rest of my life and let his siblings know of him as they grow up. Our babies that are amongst the stars will always be with us, as our guardian angels.
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