When my husband & I decided it was finally time to start growing our family, we thought we were so lucky when we got pregnant immediately. In July 2023, we found out we were expecting our first baby, a baby boy. Everything was going smoothly and we felt so relieved at our 20 week anatomy scan when we were told “your boy is perfect, we will do a growth scan in 3 weeks due to high blood pressure”.
At 23 weeks, we never could have imagined how drastically our lives would changed. The baby, John Anderson, had dropped from the 22nd percentile to the 6th. He was diagnosed with early onset IUGR and absent end diastolic flow of the umbilical artery due to placental insufficiency. We were admitted to the hospital over the weekend for monitoring of John and a full round of steroids. We met with the NICU with the new knowledge of plans for a preemie baby. We were told delivery would be scheduled for 33-34 weeks and to pack a hospital bag with preemie clothes because any visit could turn into a hospital stay until delivery. Leaving the hospital to go shopping for preemie clothes left a feeling of hopelessness and consumed us with fear.
Only a few short days later, things had progressed and gotten much worse. John was no longer doing well on the monitors with constant prolonged decelerations. He was now considered severely growth restricted in the less than 1st percentile. He had severe oligohydramnios, meaning his kidneys were no longer producing urine because the blood flow was being shunted to other important areas like the brain and heart. We were admitted to the hospital on continuous monitoring until delivery with a new goal of delivery at 30 weeks, or “terminal bradycardia”, whichever came first and given another round of steroids.
The umbilical artery blood flow continued to get progressively worse, I was being closely monitored for preeclampsia, and I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and hypertension. I received numerous magnesium drips, many days of being NPO, just trying to keep him in as long as possible. At 28 weeks exactly, we were told John’s fetal heart tones were no longer reassuring and the blood flow was as bad as it could be. We started magnesium for the final time and scheduled a c-section for the next morning.
At 1:30pm on December 30th, 2023, John Anderson was born weighing 1lb 10oz via classical c-section. He was a perfect, tiny baby boy who did so well initially. It was the happiest day of our lives. The next day, John was still doing well while visiting him in the NICU until we got the worst call of our lives from our upstairs hospital room. “We need you to come to the bedside immediately”. At the same time, another provider busted in the room to take me to the NICU. My husband had just walked down to get coffee and was running to get back. The NICU team worked tirelessly to try to save John’s life for over 3 hours. He had gotten an infection in the NICU that his tiny body was just too tiny to handle and it took over too quickly to be stopped. Hours later, we had to make the decision no parents should ever have to make.
At 8:30PM on New Years Eve, our son passed away in our arms while the fireworks were going off. It was our very first time holding him, our first time seeing him without equipment and monitors. He was beautiful and perfect. After helping to bathe him and spending time with him, it was time to say goodbye. I left the hospital the next day with both internal and external scars that will never heal and a box instead of my baby. My husband’s job granted him 12 weeks of paternal/grief leave and somehow we were able to grow together instead of apart. We found comfort in each other through honoring and remembering our son.
We immediately knew we wanted to continue growing our family, even though a huge part of it would always be missing. A few months later, we became pregnant again. I thought nothing bad could happen, because how fair would it be to go through something else after already enduring the worst pain imaginable? At our 10 week ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. We were devastated. The next day I had a D&C and came home and cooked dinner, because this is our life now I guess. We later learned we had lost a baby girl, who was perfect and the loss was unexplained.
A couple of months later, I took a pregnancy test simply because my cycle had not returned and to our surprise, it was positive. Another pregnancy! 2 weeks later, I started bleeding. My mental health at this point was suffering and I began receiving help I desperately needed to continue. The holidays, John’s birthday and death day passed and somehow I survived. I started to heal and picture a future again, one that maybe I could be apart of.
In January, a few weeks after John’s birthday, we found out we were expecting again. Somehow, things felt different. We immediately guessed he was a boy and named him Luke- bringer of light. Luke immediately began brightening up our days and our life. We began building his nursery, buying him things and allowing ourselves to feel hope. Luke’s pregnancy has been filled with so much hope, anxiety, love, fear, sadness, every emotion you could think of. We can’t wait to bring this sweet boy home in a few short weeks and are so thankful we didn’t give up. We will raise him to know and love his brother, John Anderson and they will share a middle name. Big brother and our other angel babies will always have a seat at our table.
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