My story of motherhood started on February 11th, 2011 when I gave birth to a little girl. Charlea is her name. She’s now 9.
I was naïve and didn’t think about or know about loss at this point. I knew people lost children but I was one of the few who assumed it wouldn’t happen to me.
I had a 10 week loss in March 2013.. Heartbroken, I went home to heal. I named him Carson.
February 2014 I gave birth to another little girl. My 1st rainbow. Maven is her name. She’s now 6.
December 11th, 2016 I was 18 weeks 3 days pregnant with a little boy. His name is Eugene. I went to the hospital because I woke up bleeding and wet. I was cramping but didn’t think labor… I was terrified…
Upon arrival and after testing they told me he was alive but I was too far dilated and my.water broke… he was going to be born and ultimately lost… Incompetent cervix they said.
This is where I learned these things can happen to me…. I was devastated. He was small. 6.6ozs but beautiful.
It sent me into a spiral of depression. I was so down I literally sat on a couch and cried for 10 days straight. I don’t remember much of the after.. It’s like my mind blocked it out.
I found myself expecting again a few months later… Scared of history repeating I was cautiously excited. Hopeful….
July 21st, 2017 I went to the hospital.. 18 weeks along with my daughter. I just had a gender reveal 2 weeks prior… So excited. Brookelynn is her name.
I went for what I believed to be heat exhaustion. It also ended up being a horrific kidney infection and my body was septic…I was in bad bad shape.
But I didn’t mind.. They asked how things were going pregnancy wise… Fine I assumed…They went to check on her…
Ultrasound was brought in… I never saw the screen… The tech walked out silently.
Doc came in and said baby’s heartbeat stopped. My body was going into shock and they needed to get baby out before my body shut down.
So Brookelynn was born sleeping. She was 5.3ozs.
My next loss was in November 2017 at 6 weeks after a gallbladder removal surgery.
After that I fell pregnant with TWINS. Twin boys. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I had home IVs 3-5x a week and a home nurse I lived in bed begging for the world to stop spinning or in my bathroom vomiting.
I went for my appt at 6 weeks. 2 heartbeats. All going well. Return at 10 weeks.
Returned at 10 weeks.. No heartbeats. One baby shrank. One was small. Return in 2 weeks to recheck.
12 weeks. No heartbeats… Doc offered a D&C or meso… I took the pill options. I wanted to be home…
Picked up meds from Walgreens and returned home.. Bleeding started 2 hours later and that’s when the real nightmare began.
I bled all night long… It got heavier the next day and I called my sister before passing out in my bathroom… She got me to the hospital.
This loss ended in a emergency D&C and me losing so much blood I almost died. My D&C took 5 hours. When I was released I slept for 3 straight days.
William and Benjamin are their names.
March 19 2019 I had my rainbow baby girl!
She was big! 9lbs 14.7ozs
Makenna was here!!!
December 10th 2019 I had another 9 week loss and I had this loss naturally at home.
We named her Alice.
October 15th, 2020 on pregnancy and infant loss awareness day I gave birth to my last baby.. My rainbow after a horrific battle with Hyperemesis again. I had a picc line and home health.. Was hospitalized multiple times.. We didn’t know if I’d survive or her..
We both did it!
Cecelia was here! My final baby!
My journey into motherhood had a lot more loss then I ever expected I’d endure but I’ve come out a lucky one… Some never get their rainbow..
If you’re reading this.. You or someone you know has had a loss. I’m so sorry. But remember you’re not alone and there is always hope <3
Photos taken by Nocturnal Arts.
Read more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.