Rachel H’s Story

1. Describe the process of getting pregnant.  Was it easy for you?  Was it hard?  Did you have to go through fertility treatment?

With every one of my previous boys before my Angel (Logan) it took awhile to become pregnant, my first took 2 years, my twins 2 months but we knew the “regimen” that worked of fertility meds so started that ASAP when we were ready to start trying. Logan was our surprise. I got pregnant with him after my IUD had fallen out, we found out on my twins first birthday of all days. We were so excited for him though! 

2. What was the pregnancy like?  Was it easy and smooth?  Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?

With my other 2 pregnancies my first son and my twins my pregnancies we’re rough on me physically. Preterm labor scares with my first and of course twin pregnancy was hard. Logan’s was by far my easiest, I had no complications, all the testing came back perfect.. I never once had to go into L&D prior to the day I found out I lost him. 

3. Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?

He had a true knot in his cord

4. How far along were you?

40 weeks and 2 days 

5. What are your babies names?

My oldest is Hudsen (4.5)

My twins are Sawyer and Atlas (2.5)

Logan is my Angel he was born Feb 7 2021 

And Zoey is my (hopefully) rainbow baby girl 

6. What was the birthing/loss experience like?

I was in denial, I hadn’t felt him move much prior to going in, the days leading up his movements lessened, but my dr assured me this was normal… but this particular morning I hadn’t felt him at all… I couldn’t find him on my Doppler but still figured he was okay… I didn’t think it was possible to lose him. Like he was full term and overdue.. well I was obviously wrong… I went in alone to the nearest L&D. They couldn’t find him either… the OB came in with an ultrasound machine and after what felt like forever I finally was like “so is he ok?” That’s when he said … “ I’m so sorry… I don’t see any brain activity or heart activity” my heart sank and all I could do was yell… why…? How?!? No!

I called my husband and he rushed there… 

I wanted him out ASAP.. I think I was in denial.. I thought if they got him out they could save him.. I opted for a repeat c-section.. 

My experience was great as it could be.. I was allowed way more freedom with my circumstances than other patients (Because of covid) 

7. Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?

I spent about an hour after he was “born” with him. Crying and cuddling him and my husband and the nurses got a lot of pictures..  the next day we spent another hour with him.. we wanted to allow him to rest peacefully and didn’t want to risk breaking any bones or anything of that sort so didn’t want to move him that second day.. the nurses out together a memory box with a book for my kids and some of his hair, his foot prints and stats for us. 

8. How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?

They were very caring and supportive, they even let us go home 24 hours after my c-section since I just wanted to be home. 

9. Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?

My in laws watched out older boys during our hospital stay, friends brought us food and raised money for us for funeral costs and lost wages during my husbands time off 

10. How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)

Sad, confused, mad, in denial..

11. How did you know you were ready to try again?

We didn’t, honestly we didn’t think we were ready but our oldest kept telling us baby Logan was sending us a baby sister soon and he doesn’t want us to be sad… he told us so many weird things Logan Told him… things there’s no way he could’ve made up.. we took it as a sign not to prevent after 6 months of losing him. We got pregnant in June, had an early loss then in sept, my oldest came up to me one morning, kissed my belly and said “mommy, baby sister is in your tummy now” I kinda laughed… we didn’t time  things very well that month so just blew it off… later that day I tested since he kept bringing it up… and there they were.. those 2 pink lines… we always thought we’d have all boys, my husbands side hasn’t had a girl in 65 years. He has 3 brothers and all of them have boys. So we thought the sister part was just him wanting a sister…. but to our surprise.. Logan sent us a baby girl.   

12. What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?

This pregnancy has been full on anxiety.. we try to be excited and are but also terrified of losing her as well.  

13. Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?

We visit Logan any chance we can, we send him balloons and listen to his song daily “dancing in the sky” 

14. Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?

Everyone grieves differently… we all have our ways of dealing with the pain. No way is wrong. 

Read more about true knots in the umbilical cord here.

Photos taken by Inga Rochelle Photography.

Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.

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