It’s been two years. I am always in awe of how much time has gone by because the feelings of shock, pain, and grief of losing our first baby, Matteo Angelo, still feel so fresh in my mind and heart. As time goes by, I always think it’s going to be less excruciating when we approach his angelversary, but it’s not. A friend of mine described it well, it doesn’t feel less painful, it just feels different. Different in the sense that instead of crying the whole day, I can cry just for parts of the day and instead of thinking only of how much I miss him, I can think of what he has taught us, and ways that we can honor him.
One of the ways we honored Matteo this year on his angelversary was by me wearing this stunning rainbow skirt. Taking the photos was easy, writing this post, was very hard. While wearing the skirt I felt strong, loved, blessed, and wrapped up in the support of all the other mamas who have worn the skirt before me. I am so thankful for this opportunity and this community. Attempting to write this post threw me into numerous emotional roller coasters. It brought up feelings that I had not felt in a while and memories that I had suppressed came back with vengeance. But I needed this experience. Instead of breaking me down, like my late miscarriage did, this experience broke me open. It allowed me to see myself for who I am now: a strong woman, wife, and working mama of two beautiful children (an angel baby up in heaven and a rainbow baby with us here on earth). For this introspective experience, I will be forever grateful. I wanted to end my piece in an unconventional way. I am ending it with three short letters to very important people:
Dear Matteo Angelo,
Thank you for changing our lives. You will always be our first. We will never forget the joy you brought us while you were growing in my belly. You made your family stronger just by being you in both your forms on earth and in the universe. We think about you all the time and feel your presence in the rising and setting of the sun. Thank you for being the best angel brother to your sister Eliana. The thought of not being able to hold you and tell you I love you right now, still breaks my heart. But we will have our time my boy, and it will be everything we ever dreamed off, I know it. Until then, know that we will never stop loving you. You will forever be part of our family.
Dear Eliana Marcella,
You are the most beautiful rainbow ever made. You often leave me speechless because of how amazing you are. My pregnancy with you was full of anxiety, but that was only because I was so afraid of losing you, my girl. The first time I heard you cry was the best sound I have heard in my life. You light up our lives every second. We love you more than life itself. May the sparkle in your eyes always remain. Thank you for turning our lives upside down. Our new normal is what we were longing for. Thank you for being a manifestation of hope and love. We can’t wait to see you take on the world!
Dear Fellow Mamas,
I send you so much love. Being in this journey is not easy. There are so many ups and downs in this voyage. How I wish grief was linear. How I wish I had the ability to take pain away. In your darkest of days, because God knows I have mine, I want you to know that you are not alone. I am in this with you, and I am here for you even if I don’t know you. Whether you are a mama waiting for your rainbow or a mama holding a rainbow in your arms, I love you, I am you.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it” -John 1:5
“I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places that this heart of mine embraces, all day through” -Billie Holiday
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