I’ve had 2 losses and both were completely different experiences.
This first was a secret loss. I grew up in a religious area where sex before marriage was frowned upon and so when I lost my baby as a young and unmarried girl I did it quietly. At 9 weeks I started bleeding and accepted it as fate and in someways was grateful I would never have to tell my family. I remember staring at the blood in the toilet wondering if it would ever stop. I cried as I felt the cramps that were so painful I couldn’t move, but still, I remained silent.
My shame I felt from outside pressures to be the good girl kept my lips sealed. It shattered me and I lost friendships as I fell into depression and couldn’t face people anymore but I told myself over and over again that it was for the best, trying to convince myself and to stop the hurt.
Then I got married to the most amazing man I could imagine. My heart broke open and I told him everything and in return he showered me in love and sent me to therapy. I worked through my first loss and finally allowed myself to fully acknowledge that baby and my sadness.
Soon after we decided it was time to start our own little family and I was over the moon when we got pregnant right off the bat. I told all my family and expressed my joy to any person who would listen.
At 8 weeks 3 days we had an ultrasound and saw our little gummy bear baby with a strong heart beat and I felt like my heart was finally full.
At 11 weeks 5 days I started to bleed. I called my husband as I rushed to the doctors hoping that all would be ok even though in my heart seeing the blood in the toilet brought me straight back to the loss of my first years earlier.
When I made it to the doctors they sent me over to the hospital to get a better ultrasound and it was there it was discovered our baby “nubs” had stopped growing at 8 weeks 5 days. I sat in the room with my husband and sobbed.
My doctor came in to discuss options and I begged him for a D&C. I told him I couldn’t handle going through another loss and just waiting for everything to pass. My sweet and compassionate doctor agreed and scheduled me for a D&C that night.
We broke the news to my family and this time as I grieved the loss of my baby I was surrounded by love. My family and my husbands family supported us through the darkness. It was such a stark contrast to the loss of my first and I felt my heart begin to heal from both.
6 months later, 2 days before the would be due date of “nubs” I got a positive pregnancy test with my first live birth, Carmen.
While I now have had two live births the babies I lost are never far from my mind. I look at kids who are around the same age that they would be and I wonder what they would be like. Would they be like their 2 sisters? Would they have my eyes? Dark curly hair?
The pain has never really left but as each day goes on and the years pass I’m able to be more open about my story and I’m able to accept the parts in my life that were a storm. I’m forever grateful for my beautiful rainbow baby.
Photos Taken By Nicholas Chason.
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