*This story contains the subject of rape.*
My loss story is unlike most. Hard to hear and hard to tell. Only a few people in my life know of my loss, and there’s been a couple who have said it is not. But it is, as I loved my baby and think about who he or she was daily and carry them in my heart. I’m ready to share my story as it’s eaten me up and I’ve carried the burden for too long. It was 2014 when my loss happened. But it started like this..
I was dating a guy that I was sexually active with for some time until I didn’t like how he was treating me during that. I felt like an object, like meat, and like I wasn’t seen for who I was. I felt gross. So I made the decision to stop. I had told him I don’t want to do that anymore and felt like I had made that clear. Until one day, I was forced to do that. My pleas in saying no were not heard. They were ignored. I gave up after constant pleas and became numb instead.
I started avoiding my boyfriend and was trying to think of a way to break up with him. I was nervous because of past experiences. I wanted to get out safely. Then my world came crashing down when I skipped my period. My heart and brain panicked. What do I do? I already had my little girl that I was taking care of.
I took a test in secret and it was positive. I freaked out and cried alone. I told my boyfriend at the time that I had been avoiding that I had fallen pregnant, and called him out on not listening to me. He raped me and as my price to pay I fell pregnant.
My reality didn’t feel like reality. How was I supposed to live? How was I supposed to move on? What was I going to do? So many questions with no answer that saved me from the rape that happened.
I immediately got attached and would touch my stomach as I knew in my heart that no matter what I am a mother, once again. But I couldn’t live. I couldn’t live no matter the outcome. I so badly wanted to escape my reality. I was contemplating suicide all whilst figuring out if I were to live, what next?
If I kept the baby, I’d be forever connected to my abuser, if I adopted the baby, I’d also be forever connected and have to carry to term a baby out of rape. My family didn’t know either, as I just wanted to get away from him, and fast. I dumped him quickly and was terrified. I felt like I had no choice in the matter but to terminate the pregnancy in order to save my life, mostly so I could be present for my one child who was already here and needed me.
It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to face, and face it all alone. Nonetheless though it was a loss. Being taken advantage of, falling pregnant, and terminating a pregnancy means I lost a lot.
I didn’t only lose a baby like a miscarriage. I lost my voice, my bodily autonomy and my power in my life. I lost who I was as I never thought I’d have to make such a choice. I lost more than just a baby.
The day that I went to planned parenthood, I sobbed with a therapist saying I don’t want this, but I feel as though I have no choice, am I the worst mother for saving my own life over this baby’s? Am I a murderer? What will my family and people think of me? I was scared, no, TERRIFIED. All of this because some abusive guy wanted to take advantage of me.
The downward spiral that happened so quickly was almost too much to bear. But I wanted to survive, I wanted to be present for my daughter, and I wanted to thrive instead of suffer.
The rest was a blur as I sobbed through the procedure. I only remember warms tears as they flooded my face falling onto my chest. I remember saying goodbye followed up with more sobs. It was a loss. Not wanted, but needed.
And it doesn’t mean I didn’t love this baby. I did. And I’m at a loss everyday and trying to find the ways to forgive myself when I was doing the best I could given my circumstances and trying to survive.
I have battled with the feeling of being hated whenever I pass on as I believe in life after death. But I believe now that this loss baby who I felt was a boy, will hug me, cry with me, and love me back. I’ll be able to say sorry and rejoice in each other’s arms. But for now, I’ll carry him in my heart and know that I’m a survivor.
I have 4 living children now here with me as I often think of the one in heaven. After my ordeal, I ended up finding love with my jr high crush. We got married and had our 3 children together. He knew of my loss and loved me. So when our first child together came he knew that was my rainbow baby. And she came right when we needed her, helped me heal a piece of me and brought me joy that I needed.
I’m thankful for the love and forgiveness and being able to bear my rainbow baby and more children after that. Any loss is a loss and I’m glad that I made it out alive after the darkest time in my life that still had love in it. And I think that love is what kept me going.
Photos Taken By Nicholas Chason.
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