Michelle G's Story

Getting pregnant was easy for me.

I am currently pregnant for the fourth time at 40 years old and my first pregnancy was at 21. My first two pregnancies were not planned as I was very young and did not have a good relationship or stability with the father. My loss pregnancy and this one were very much planned and wanted.

It wasn’t “hard” until I was trying to conceive after a missed miscarriage. It was the darkest time of my life. It took a total of 6 solid months of trying and I was desperate to be pregnant again. I became panicked that I hadn’t conceived yet after six months and simultaneously turning 40. I wanted to avoid another tragic miscarriage so on the day that I was going to begin my IVF injections and make a massive down payment; I discovered I was four weeks pregnant.

My loss pregnancy was conceived not trying not preventing within 5 months and I was 39 at the time, coming 5 months after our wedding day. The pregnancy was fairly uneventful and very minimal symptoms. The pregnancy stopped developing at 8 weeks, but I didn’t find out until what should have been week 10 at my very first OB appointment. The ultrasound tech was callous and had no bedside manner. His words were, “I see a fetus but I don’t see a heartbeat.” In complete shock, my husband and I were sent into the room to wait for the OB to explain what that meant. I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage. It was the worst day of my life. September 8, 2023. Two days later I began having heavy bleeding and cramping. I miscarried naturally, in public, unmedicated. I went into what felt like labor on the car ride home. I passed the tissue at home and did not save the tissue for testing. I did not name my baby. The furthest I got was planning for a gender reveal party which never happened. I wasn’t looking too far ahead yet. I was a shell of myself for 6 months. I had PTSD, severe depression and could not be in social situations. I remember on Valentine’s Day being so miserable I couldn’t bear it anymore. There were times I wanted to die I was so traumatized and hurt. I feared it would happen again- or worse, that it was my last chance.

I received some good support but from very few people. Most of the time the comments I got hurt me, such as “maybe next time you won’t work so hard” (as if stress, or that I caused my loss), or the standard “at least you know you can get pregnant”. But I leaned on a few close people who really showed up and were emotionally supportive. Very few. I found a lot of comfort in the loss community and through support groups and therapy. I found a few friends who had also been through it and went on to have their rainbow baby. I leaned on them the most.

The most notable medical treatment that I got was from my birthing center who offered a complementary miscarriage support session. They also encouraged me to come in for preconception testing, which I did. Once about four or five months had gone by and I had not become pregnant again, I reached out to my Doctor who has been one of my biggest advocates during this time of my life. She ordered me a complete OB workup and discovered that my prolactin level was high, so I was referred to an endocrinologist. I decided to go to a reproductive endocrinologist and have a complete fertility workup including diagnostics. All came back with flying colors, but because of my age and my previous miscarriage, the doctor recommended I do IVF to avoid the trauma of another loss. I did feel very secure and comforted being at the clinic and under their care. I had a wonderful nurse. I was preparing to start IVF, but on the day that I was scheduled to begin injections and make a payment I took a pregnancy test at home because my period had never come. I was able to be monitored by the fertility doctor, even though I did not need treatment after all! He kept me at the clinic from week 4 through 8. I had a wonderful experience there and was sad but happy to graduate to an official OB. That first appointment was two weeks ago. I am 13 weeks tomorrow.

This rainbow pregnancy has not been very comfortable. I’ve been suffering bouts of nausea that comes and goes pretty much since week six. At 12 weeks, I vomited for the first time! I get winded from regular exercise and I’m exhausted easily. My body is changing and I just need to slow down a bit. I’m learning to listen to my body and what it’s telling me so that makes me connect with my baby. I think in the past I didn’t do that, but this time I’m not taking anything for granted so even if it’s not comfortable, I embrace this amazing opportunity. We call this our miracle rainbow baby. Unfortunately, choosing the NIPT last week for purposes of finding out the gender was a double edged sword, because now we found out our baby is testing positive for Trisomy 21, as of last week and after making it through the entire first trimester without a hitch. Our next step is the NT which was already scheduled as part of my routine prenatal care. Our hope is that this baby will live and be born safely, regardless of any definitive diagnosis. I am entering my second trimester this week, and I can see and feel the growth and changes. We find out the gender at our reveal in 3 weeks. We mailed the announcements and invitations, so there is no turning back now. No matter the outcome, we are still celebrating our miracle rainbow baby, in this moment. I will not allow the news of the NIPT steal my joy.

What I would like other women to know about pregnancy loss is that it’s OK to feel the way you feel and you are not alone. In time the pain will lessen, but it never really goes away. I still grieve for the baby I lost. I feel guilty sometimes that this baby will get the gender reveal party, the baby shower, the baby room, and all the things ahead that the other did not have a chance for. A midwife at the birthing center who counseled me after my loss reminded me that “it’s ok to grieve and feel joy at the same time” and that’s the best way I can describe this pregnancy. I have a lot of joy, mixed in with a lot of fear, some grief that pops up, and also a feeling that I didn’t have before my loss. That no matter what- I am capable and can handle all the good, bad, and the ugly. Loss moms are way tougher than moms who have never lost. As much as it hurts to lose a pregnancy, it made me stronger and more sure of myself.

I’m 32 weeks pregnant now and in addition to the positive screen on NIPT we have a confirmed AVSD heart defect that will need to be corrected by surgery sometime in the first 6 months of birth.