My first pregnancy was unexpected to say the least. Newly 21 years old. Finding out you’re pregnant that young is scary. Especially when your partner isn’t supportive. As time past I decided to do what’s best for my child and I. I left in the end. As time went on, I had the support of my family to help. He decided to not be involved one bit. Completely left the picture.
That was 10 years ago. My son is now 9 years old and I love him to death. But that is only the beginning of this story.
Fast forward to 2022. My now boyfriend and I had been together for 3 years at this point. Had all the talks and what not about starting our family. He was all for it. He was onboard. One thing that was holding us back was the fact he thought he couldn’t have kids. So we made a deal. I would stop taking my birth control. And we went with the “if it happens it happens”. Well 3 months had passed. Things have happened. We ended up finding out we had to move out of our home we were renting due to new ownership. In that time frame though. I had found out I was pregnant. In shock I took multiple tests to make sure. And sure enough. It was POSITIVE!!! I couldn’t wait to tell my boyfriend. And it went just as I thought. He at first thought it was all a joke. But after the shock wore off. He was over the moon!
Time went on. Things went well for the most part in this second pregnancy. The 1st trimester was rocky. With nausea and sickness. But all that passed in the end. In the last months it was rocky once again due to swollen ankles and getting so big. I ended up being induced a week early. I thought it was for the best given my size. Many hours in labor my 2nd son was born on 04/20/2023 and he was beautiful and healthy. We were over the moon in love. But nothing compared to the love my oldest had for my 2nd son. He was attached from day 1. Postpartum wasn’t in my favor though. But I was able to overcome it on some days.
3 months passed and I knew the day was coming when I had to go back to work. No mom ever wants to leave her kids and go back to work. It’s the scariest thing in the world. Leaving your kids in the care of someone else. The unknown of how they are, if they are eating enough, it they are being good. All those fears in your heart. That’s what I felt all day while at work. But prior to that. My gut told me “don’t go to work. You need to stay. Not yet”. But I ignored it thinking it was again “new mom” gidders because of going back to work
Of course I left both my boys that day in the care of a babysitter. But then it happened. 7 hours into my shift I end up getting a frantic call from the babysitter. Saying my youngest, who was only 3 months old on the day, had stopped breathing in his sleep. He was found in a pack and play unresponsive. The babysitter informed me that he was taken via ambulance to the hospital by the police. When I tell you I RUSHED out of work without a second thought. It happened and I didn’t care who saw. I thought the world stopped and everyone seemed to be in my way. I couldn’t get ahold of my boyfriend at the time so I called my parents screaming to get to the hospital. They lived right down the road from the hospital he was being sent to. I did end up getting in touch with my boyfriend and he did the exact same way, he rushed out of work without a second thought.
As soon as we arrived we were told to sit in a room until further notice as the doctors were working on helping our son. I just knew, by sitting in that room. Things weren’t good. But I was trying to give myself the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t wanna accept it nor believe it. Next thing I knew the doctor was coming in and the dreaded words came out of his mouth, “We did all we could. I’m sorry. He’s gone”. When I tell you my world SHATTERED!! A nurse brought me to my son’s side as I screamed down the hallway not wanting to believe he was gone. They let us stay by his side until they had to take him away. I’ll never forget what he looked like and how cold he was.
Months passed, His funeral was beautiful. He loved finding dory and thankfully the funeral home let us decorate and played “Finding Dory” while it was being held. On the other hand though, we were all numb for a while. Up until now we still are. That day was so life changing. But we had the love and support from our family and friends around us. It’s still hard to explain that to everyone but I do the best I can. It took almost a year to have somewhat of an answer at to what happened to him. The ME explained to me he passed away due to SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, He rolled over in his sleep and his nose got plugged and he didn’t wake up. But there is no defiant answer as to what happened. We have learned to accept this answer and move forward. The day that tore our life apart was 07/20/2023.
I can 100% say if anyone has gone through something like this it was alter your life forever. My boyfriend (now fiancé), My son, and I will never be the same again. But we are stronger than ever. We’ve gone through therapy with many sessions but sometimes slip up and have our days. But who wouldn’t right? A year and a half passed and I knew something was missing in our family. Many many talks with my fiancé and we agreed to it again. “If it happens it happens” and once again. I’m PREGNANT! Is it scary? YES! But I believe all will be well. It does in fact bring up fears and anxiety once more. After what we’ve been through. But I know we got this. We’ve gone through our scans and everything. Baby is healthy. Come to find out we’re expecting another BOY! And again it’s bringing more fear and anxiety back. hoping things go well. But we’re taking all precautions we need to do for this one.
As I’ve spoken to many people who’ve asked about my kids they ask, “how many do you have?” I always say 3. My son was here and alive but unfortunately was taken away from us too soon. When I get looks from everyone else, I simply explain this and get the ” I’m so sorry ” all I can do is smile cause I’m not sure how to respond. But what I do know is my son’s memory will continue on. I know the term “rainbow baby” is for one born after a loss. But my 2nd son was born with a rainbow shining and he passed away with the sky opening up with a rainbow. So I always imagine him when I see that rainbow that he’s smiling down at us from up there. He’s also our frog given he loved to lay like a frog since he was born.
Well that’s all I have. Or I should say what I could manage into words.
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