For me, my very first pregnancy was a complete surprise! My husband but then fiance at the time were less than a month out from our wedding and those two little pink lines showed up on a beautiful Sunday morning in May. To say that we were in complete shock at the time is an understatement! We always knew that we wanted to start a family but were stunned that it would be happening so soon. After a few days of finding out we had a little baby on the way we began preparing for life as a party of three. Pregnancy for the most part was a breeze. I did have the traditional morning sickness and some super bloating. When my husband and I left for our honeymoon later the next month I noticed that I wasn’t as sick as I had been feeling but then again I was nearing the end of my first trimester and tried not to worry and enjoy my trip. During those first couple of days it was a dream. I was confident that my baby was growing and we decided to give them a nickname that is still so foundly thought of. Our sweet baby P.
On the last day of our trip I started bleeding. I looked on Google about what that could possibly mean and called my mom. Some said that it was due to intercourse since there is more blood flowing in that area, but one that I read made my blood run cold. These were symptoms of a miscarriage. We found a clinic near by that did maternal medicine and waited anxiously in the waiting room. At the time this was peak covid so my husband wasn’t even allowed in the waiting room and I was ushered into the ultrasound room. After some prepping the ultrasound machine was turned on. I immediately knew something was wrong.
The tech wouldn’t show me the screen during that time and it was so deafingly silent. My heart was racing and I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I asked if I could hear babies heart beat and she said that her machine was not capable of sound but she assured me that baby’s heart beat was there I asked if she saw anything wrong and she then still reassured me that baby was okay. She asked if I would like to see one of the pictures of baby that she took and I told her yes. I saw the baby but I knew that there was something off and the tech looked sorry.
After we got back to our hotel the doctor called us and told us that baby looked great and that she was unsure why I was bleeding but told me to try to drink water and rest up as much as possible and to follow up with our OB when we got back. I continued to bleed and it got heavier and soon clots began coming out. I begged God to protect our baby and that I would get my baby in six months. But on July third at five thirty in the morning I knew I had lost our baby. I had woken up and went to go to the bathroom and blood ran down my legs. It was so much blood and it fell like something had fallen out of me. I screamed and cried calling my husband from the other room. I have never felt grief like that in my whole life. I cried out to God and asked it to please not be true, please don’t let my baby die like this.
After collecting myself I called my OB and asked for an appointment. My worst fears were confirmed when I look on the screen and there was nothing but emptiness. The tears rolled down my face as my OB quickly shut off the bedside ultrasound and held my hand as I cried. She was so wonderful in explaining that I didn’t do anything wrong and that I would be able to try again in the future when I felt ready. After getting dressed they had me wait in the waiting area to get labs and all I saw were pregnat women holding ultrasound pictures and had beautiful swollen bellies. I sobbed and felt so alone.
After knowing that we had lost Baby P I became bitter towards pregnancy announcements and wondered what I did to deserve losing my baby while other women got pregant with their second, third and even seventh child. It felt like all I saw were pregant women and it served as a cruel reminder that their babies lived while mine died. I knew that I wanted to try again soon and I figured that getting pregnant again would be just as easy as last time. I was very wrong. Months had gone by and I had gotten my period like clock work. I prayed every night for a healthy pregnancy and for a baby in my arms at the end. After so many negatives I called my OB and asked if I could see her about my fertility. That appointment would not be until February and it was only October.
But finally after months of waiting and wondering I saw two beautiful pink lines! I was so happy that all I did was cry and thanked God for letting me be this babies mama. We told our loved ones right away and my belly got bigger and bigger and I found out that we were having a beautiful baby girl. Pregnancy was a long round filled with anxiety and fear but also with amazing blessings and God winks throughout. After what felt like an eternity, my beautiful sweet girl was born. It was so healing to hear her beautiful cry and have then place her on my chest.
I think if I could tell myself back then what I knew now is that it is okay to grieve. Its okay to miss the life you thought that you would have and that your baby or babies lives mattered. That they will never be replaced and that your rainbow baby will fill every dark corner with beautiful light. It has been so amazing watching our little girl grow and while I miss our sweet angel I know that they are safe in heaven with Jesus and are watching after their little sister and I.
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