1. Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?
I have had three uncomplicated pregnancies before becoming pregnant a fourth time. We were thrilled to have another baby soon after our youngest had turned one.
2. What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?
From the beginning, I began to have issues. I started bleeding at 5 weeks and it continued off and on after that. At 12 weeks, I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma. I was told it was normal and the bleeding should stop by the 20 week mark. I was not seen again to check on the hematoma but I had stopped bleeding a few weeks after so I thought everything was going to be okay. After having some major bleeding episodes the weeks prior, I truly thought we were losing our baby so many times. Then just shy of 18 weeks, my water broke. I still remember that vividly.
4. How far along were you?
After having transferred care to MFM and many appointments, it was decided that I should be admitted at 23 weeks. We were all praying that I would wait until at least the third trimester to deliver with a long term goal of 34 weeks but that wasn’t the case for me. I was 26 weeks + 4 days when I had to have a c-section due to my placenta detaching.
5. What are your babies names?
We named him Micah Nolan, knowing he would need a strong name for the long nicu journey we thought we would have. His name means ‘who is like God’ & ‘champion’. There was truly no better name we could have chosen.
6. What was the birthing/loss experience like?
All my other births were unmedicated. This was my first c-section and it was definitely nerve racking. Given the circumstances, I felt like I was in good hands with my doctors and nurses. They truly made a scary time something more calming. I got to see Micah before he was taken away to the nicu. He weighed 2lbs, 3oz and was 13 inches long. Just a perfect boy. He was quickly taken to the nicu where he was for four days before passing away due to pprom complications. His lungs never developed past 18 weeks. It was honestly the worst day of my life but I would go back to it in a heartbeat to hold him again.
7. Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?
After Micah died in my arms, we were taken to a family room. We got to hold him, take photos, sing to him, dress him and make hand & footprint keepsakes. We got to dedicate him back to the Lord as we prayed over our sweet boy. I’m forever grateful for the time spent in that room. The staff was completely wonderful and so gentle with us.
11. How did you know you were ready to try again?
My husband and I wanted Micah to be our last child but after he died, it just felt like a hole in our family. While a new baby would never replace him, we knew that we would want another baby. We waited 18 months after my c-section due to the advice from my doctors. I feel like that time was so important and I got spend that time focusing on my grief and on healing.
12. What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?
It’s been a roller coaster of faith and emotions. We found out that our rainbow baby shares the very same due date as Micah. Each milestone we had with him, I’m the same gestational age with this new life. It feels like both a blessing and can make me anxious at times too. I’ve learned to speak and share how I feel with others and lean into God every day.
13. Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?
June 24th is Micah’s birthday and this would be his secondly heavenly birthday. In June this year, we planted a flower garden at our home in honor of him. This is the second year we did a fundraiser for a non profit and both years we met our goal! I remember him in clouds on bright blue days, in dragonflies zipping by and through monarchs (my older children & I raised them last summer and it was so healing for us) I hope to continue doing things in his memory every year.
14. Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?
Grief never leaves us and we will miss our babies forever but our grief does not have to be in control of us forever. Feel it when it comes. Feel joy when that comes. Know that they both can coexist. I live knowing that every day is just one day closer to holding Micah again.
Photos taken by Photography By Hannah Grace.
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