All I ever wanted was to be a Mum. After me and my husband got married all we had been talking about is making our family bigger but we wanted to buy our house first and pick the perfect family area which we did. In the process of looking for our house we got pretty lucky quicker than we thought and fell pregnant after 2 months of trying with our first child.
The whole 9 months was excitement with a little bit of sickness thrown in but wasn’t too poorly with pregnancy and it was all smooth sailing. All I ever got was comments with how glowing I looked. After a rough couple of years with circumstances this was the happiest, I felt in a long time and I couldn’t wait to meet our baby who we found out on the gender scan we were having a daughter. I burst out crying when I found out I was having a girl was so excited hoping my little girl will hopefully love me as much as I do with my mum and thinking of all the girly days we could do.
Spent a whole 9 months talking to her and we decided we were going to call her Holly-Rose, she loved to kick to the well-known song of Baby Shark and she loved playing around in my tummy when I had an Iceblast. We would talk to her all the time and tell her how excited we are to meet her and our dog Rosie would be excited to play with her.
I went in to hospital with reduced movements at 41 weeks and ended up spending 4 days in hospital being induced and monitored. I was convinced I was in the right hands but how I was wrong.
I spent 4 days of pain and torture feeling ignored at every request and not looked after it and all I got told that I’m not there yet every time I questioned my pain. After 4 days of pain feeling like I was in a horror movie me and my husband were told they couldn’t find a heartbeat at 41+4 weeks on October 30th 2021. It turns out the pain I was in was labour and that no midwifes noticed this. I ended up well over 14 hours of unmedicated labour on my own overnight. As a first time Mum you question everything but also believe you’re in the best hands of the professionals who know. It turns out there was several missed opportunities which I can’t discuss yet as we are in a legal process at the moment but the hospital has already apologised and held their hands up and said Holly-Rose’s death was preventable and was down to their lack of care and she could have been saved.
We spent 3 days in hospital holding our beautiful girl and making memories with her and changing her into her outfit and talking to her. If someone told me that I would be spending 3 days in hospital with our dead baby I would never believe them but holding Holly-Rose in my arms felt so perfect and right I loved her since the day I found out I was pregnant and I will love her forever. She is so beautiful and gorgeous dark locks and long fingers that I grasped into mine. She looked so perfect and we are angry she has been stolen away from us and we are left with our empty hearts.
Its been a hard 6 months we had all the support at the beginning but only a few people still check in and see how we are now. Baby loss is very lonely and there are so many triggers but anyone who is reading this who knows someone who has lost a baby I ask you not to go silent on them we still need your support our grief doesn’t go and we want to talk about our babies and not be made to feel like they never didn’t exist. I appreciate the friends and family who sent me a message on my first Mother’s Day and all the other celebrations that trigger you.
We are hopeful to have another baby in the future and hope we can bring one home but we have lost our trust with health care professionals and we need to learn to trust them again. Holly-Rose will always be our first beautiful daughter and we will say her name everyday even if no one else will.
I am wearing a 4louis top in my photos as this charity really looked after me and my husband after Holly passed away with the support of a Cuddle Cot which allowed us to have 3 precious days in the hospital which we will never forget. Me and my husband are currently taking part in charity events to raise money for the charity.
4Louis is a charity that helps support families through pregnancy and infant loss. Learn more about the charity here.
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
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