Hi, I am Kshama and I am a mother to three little ones, all three in my heart but only one in my arms. Here is my story.
Early 2021 we found out I was pregnant with our little surprise, my little man Dheera. It was a pretty exciting and nervous time for us as first timers. Except for a little nausea and fatigue I had a pretty uneventful first trimester till the very end. It was at the 13 week appointment that my world came crashing down, my Dheera did not have a heartbeat. I had suffered what they called a missed miscarriage and had a D & C soon after. Never got to see him physically. Filled with shock, anger and emptiness, I hopelessly searched for a reason my baby had to go and unfortunately found none. Riding the waves of grief and letting it engulf me was my way of connecting with my Dheera.
As Dheera’s due date approached in late 2021, I was dreading being alone. We tried and conceived my darling daughter Rudra, she was with me. I unfortunately did not celebrate Rudra as much as I should have, the fear of having lost a child before took over most of the excitement this time. I tried my best to be positive and my loved ones tried their best to support me too. But internally in your soul, loss is very lonely. This pregnancy too was a breeze physically and I had a pretty uneventful first trimester, till the very end, again. I was bleeding actively at 11.5 weeks. My mind knew it, I had lost her too.
I did get to see her physically this time as I held her in a bottle. Medical tests did not have answers for us this time too. I was fortunate to be able to get pregnant easily but had lost my Dheera and my Rudra at the end of their first trimesters reasons unknown. Physical recovery was fortunately relatively easy for me. Externally I was trying to live life as usual, I had my work, my life, my supportive & well meaning family and friends. But internally I gave in mentally and physically to the grief and the abyss of not knowing the reason for loosing them.
No two people react to heal from loss or react to it the same way. Even the same person might do if differently at different times. I had not made peace with this at the time and was angry and upset with the world. I felt the world and time had moved on, not grieved in a similar manner to me, and unfortunately sometimes the world was not very empathetic about it all however well meaning it may be. My grief seemed to me to be my strong, tangible power to connect me to my Dheera and my Rudra. I tried to address my grief in many ways, creatively, emotionally, verbally but mostly internally.
Almost a year giving in to grief and just going with the flow, I decided to consciously work towards physically and mentally healing myself. I owed it to myself, my loved ones and most importantly to my Dheera, my Rudra and my future babies. I found my hope and strength in positive energies, chanting powerful Mantras, doing simple Hindu poojas, yoga, meditation, Ayurveda and physical fitness. I focused into healing my body and mind for the next 6 months. We then tried and I became pregnant with my double Rainbow baby boy, my Partha.
I zealously tried being very positive through the pregnancy, there were moments with my past grief of course, but I had understood that I can use this grief as strength too. We also did do a few additional clinic visits just for everyone’s peace of mind and clarity. I had a mostly uneventful pregnancy this time as well, fortunately leading to my dear Partha joining us late 2023 albeit a little dramatically. I underwent an emergency C section, due to cord prolapse during my induction at 39 weeks scheduled due to third trimester GD. I know its a lot of words and extremely rare delivery complication, but I want to share this as a sign of hope and positivity.
I truely cannot thank the universe, my loved ones, well wishers, guides, and the medical staff enough for bringing my Partha earthside, next to me, healthy and happy. I thank my Dheera, my Rudra, my Partha, I thank myself too. My Partha is such a wonderful soul. He is my teacher, my friend and my baby. I am so thankful to be his Amma, and be my Dheera’s and Rudra’s Amma too. I talk to my Partha about his siblings, and I plan to age appropriately continue to do so. It’s life, it’s important, it’s normal.
If someone you know has been through loss, please be respectful and accepting of their grief, grief is not necessarily something that needs to be fixed but it is to be felt and evolved through. If you have experienced loss, here is what I’d like to say to you. Firstly a long, deep hug to you. It is sad and nothing will change that part of grief. At its core, grief is lonely, even if you are surrounded by understanding and loving people. You are allowed to grieve in many different ways through life. Grief is not all bad, sometimes it helps to feel, connect, to release and renew. Breathe through it, one step at a time. When you can, keep finding hope and warmth in your heart, in whatever version that might connect with you at any given time. That I feel is your strength – memories, grief, hope, acceptance, happiness and growth, all dynamically intertwined in your soul for eternity. Lots of love and support! Special thank you to the Project finding your Rainbow initiative for the opportunity to acknowledge, share and listen to each other’s stories from across the world!
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