1. Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?
Thankfully, getting pregnant has not been difficult… but staying pregnant has been the most excruciating part.
2. What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?
With my first loss, it was so early that I didn’t have time to really develop symptoms. I knew I was pregnant for only about 5-6 days. WIth the 2nd pregnancy we lost, I was very tired, nauseous, had heartburn, etc. With our stillbirth/3rd loss, I was quite tired in the first trimester, but only felt nauseous once or twice when I foolishly skipped breakfast. Otherwise very few symptoms other than some major daily headaches that I took extra magnesium alongside B2 as recommended by the midwife, which was really helpful.
3. Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?
With my first and second losses, we weren’t able to determine the cause. My 2nd loss was a missed miscarriage discovered at 18 weeks, although I had taken a big fall around the 14 week mark, and I can’t help but wonder if they were related. We did opt for genetic testing, but it “failed to culture” so they were unable to use/test the sample. We did get some information from pathology that showed that the baby’s umbilical cord was “tortuous” and “constricted” in many areas, which led my providers to believe that perhaps it was a genetic abnormality, or there was some sort of cord-related incident. With my 3rd loss, we found out our daughter had some major anatomical abnormalities during our anatomy scan. We had not done any genetic screening because we didn’t think it would have mattered to us and we thought that we had such low risk, that surely it didn’t seem necessary. But follow up scans showed a major heart abnormality, an absent nasal bone, and she was not growing almost at all and was measuring less than 1st percentile. We had an amniocentesis done, and sadly after almost 5 weeks of waiting for an answer, we found out she had a very large microdeletion, which meant a very devastating genetic disorder.
4. How far along were you?
With the first loss in January of 2021, I was 4.5/5 weeks. The 2nd was a missed miscarriage discovered at 18 weeks in May of 2021, and then our most recent loss in January of 2025, I was at exactly 25 weeks.
5. What are your babies names?
The first baby we lost, we did not give him/her a name. I was tracking my basal body temperature and I knew something was off, so I sensed an impending “chemical pregnancy” from the beginning. It was still hard, but I didn’t feel as connected to that loss as the others. With the 2nd baby we lost, we were planning to find out his/her sex at birth. Once we found out that our baby had died, we tried to determine their sex so that we could possibly name him/her, but providers couldn’t tell on ultrasound and we opted for a D&E and couldn’t determine the sex that way either, so it also just didn’t feel like I could give that baby a name, which sometimes I regret. Our most recent loss was a baby girl, and we named her Eevie. I accidentally found out her sex while reading the amniocentesis report, which my husband did not know about at the time. I came up with her name before she was born, but my husband also liked it and we agreed upon it after she was born.
6. What was the birthing/loss experience like?
1st loss – it truly was like a heavy period, but much more crampy. 2nd loss – I stewed over what the “right” choice was (spontaneous labor vs. D&E vs. induction). I was terrified of an induction because my first birth with my oldest living child was a coerced induction. The midwife I was seeing at the time thought waiting for natural labor was too risky. Ultimately I decided on a D&E because of how long it had been since the baby had passed, and honestly I was afraid to see him/her given that fact. I did hemorrhage with that procedure and required methergine, cytotec, and TXA to stop the bleeding. All of those worked quickly, but I was iron deficient and then anemic as a result of that blood loss. I also vomited on the way home from the hospital (1 hr and 15 min away from home), which is apparently not uncommon after anesthesia for these types of procedures.
With Eevie, I knew I needed to meet my baby. I did not want the risks of Asherman’s Syndrome (internal scarring within the uterus that can cause miscarriage or infertility) that is a known risk of a D&E/D&C, and I just knew in my gut I needed to meet her, which wouldn’t be possible with a D&E/D&C. We waited to be called to the L&D unit later that night, and finally were able to go in around 8 pm. The actual induction started around 10 pm after only one dose of cytotec. I labored for 10.5 hours, mostly alone and listening to hypnobirthing tracks while my husband slept. I did not know how long it would go on for, and I wanted him to be able to get a good night’s rest. He woke up at shift change around 7/7:30 am and helped me labor until our baby was born around 10:30 am. I ended up getting an epidural, mostly because of fear of uterine rupture due to a previous cesarean, which I regretted because not even 40 minutes later our sweet Eevie was born. I did not have to actively push and my water never broke. Our daughter was breech and en caul, which is considered a spiritual gift or “good luck.” I had no retained placenta, nor did I hemorrhage, but medical staff did perform a uterine sweep with their hands which was excruciating and really shocking – they asked to check for retained placenta, which I consented to, but I did not know it meant that they were going to stick their whole arm/hand inside me. Overall it was largely a “fine” experience, but our L&D nurse was very much NOT trauma informed and she berated my husband for taking his time to decide if he wanted to see our baby. She was also really awkward and just stared at me the entire time I labored. I was listening to hypnobirthing tracks and I would look up and she would just be sitting there the whole time, watching me like a hawk. Our daughter was 1 lb 1 oz and was 11 inches long – so tiny.
7. Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?
With our 2nd, we were given a keepsake box. It felt weird because there was a hat, some calming tea, and some other things… but I didn’t have footprints to take home. With Eevie, I waited about 45 minutes after she was born to collect myself and get the courage to see her. Her genetic condition affects the way babies look, so I was really scared. I spent a couple of hours with her. We had a Cuddle Cot for Eevie. I took a lot of pictures and then needed some rest because I had not slept much for weeks, especially having labored all night long on only 2 hours of sleep. I spent more time with her that evening and then said goodbye. She was starting to look different – post mortem changes were taking place despite the Cuddle Cot, and I knew it was time to say goodbye. We took pictures and some videos. Got a memento box with her footprints and some other things, and we took her blankets and clothes home with us too.
8. How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?
With our 2nd loss, the doctor who did my D&E was truly remarkable. She was so wonderfully trauma sensitive and took HOURS out of her evening to talk with me on the phone about the risks and benefits of the procedure the night before because I was so scared. She followed up with me later and I met her for a consultation (I’m suspected to have endometriosis which is another story altogether), and she was just amazing. I recommend her to anyone who is having babies or needing gynecological care for anything. With Eevie, the MFM staff was REALLY wonderful. The NICU team we consulted with was so kind and trauma-informed and compassionate. During my induction, all but one of the nurses were really quite impersonal. Very much “do things by protocol” and a little cold. Not a lot of informed consent going on, but I have two living children and am a self-professed birth nerd, so I was mostly informed of the benefits and risks of most interventions. The one nurse who we met immediately upon intake – she was wonderful, but I only saw her two times once my induction started.
9. Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?
With our 2nd loss, the social support we had afterwards was wonderful for a time. It was very hard to return to work a week later and resume life “normally.” The pain lingered, but everyone’s lives quickly moved forward. I was very vocal on social media about pregnancy loss and I had a mass influx of private messages of friends, acquaintances, and even some family members who shared their stories with me, and that was a really helpful way for me to process and connect with others. With Eevie, we had a LOT of support in the form of meals – we didn’t need to cook dinner for almost 3 weeks. People from work, family members, friends, etc. all provided meals – we had 2 different meal trains. Outside of the initial week and a half period where everyone checked in… people started to avoid me. They would ask my husband how I was doing, but most people failed to ask me directly. Most people – I think – were scared. They weren’t sure what to say. We live in a small rural area, and I was noticing that people would start avoiding me in public or in the grocery stores. It really hurt. I lost my best friend of 20 years for various reasons regarding our stillbirth. I never imagined friends or loved ones wouldn’t check in or ask how I am doing after the first attempt at checking in. They just sort of disappeared. My hope is to eventually find additional friends that can relate to me more, once I have the capacity to open up my social circle.
10. How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)
With the first loss, I was not surprised about it resulting in a loss because of practicing fertility awareness. I was sad and scared, but felt hopeful. After the 2nd loss, I was terrified. I was scared I had Asherman’s Syndrome due to the D&E, I thought maybe there was something wrong with me (we did a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Panel to rule out clotting disorders and found out I likely have the MTHFR variant, but it was not fully confirmed), and honestly it was horrifying to know I had been carrying a dead baby in my womb for weeks – I felt like a living tomb, despite having had an eerie feeling that something was amiss for about a week before my prenatal appointment due to symptoms disappearing completely. After our 3rd loss, I was scared perhaps we were carriers of mosaic genetic abnormalities or possibly carriers of “balanced translocations” – it’s too complex to describe, but basically I thought it was possible we had genetic abnormalities that just didn’t show up for us in symptoms. I was angry. Sad. Gutted. I just couldn’t believe this was my life. I was really angry at a lot of people for a good 6-7 months. I never told most of them I was angry, except for the friend I lost. It just didn’t seem like there was any point. Those feelings are fading now, but I’ve stopped reaching out to most of those people for connection at all.
11. How did you know you were ready to try again?
My husband and I both decided to get genetic testing done. It was not as comprehensive as I would have thought, but it turns out that our daughter’s genetic condition is considered “de novo” or “random,” and that we weren’t carriers of any major genetic abnormalities. We got those results back and felt somewhat ready to consider the idea of trying again in the future. We both preemptively started cleaning up our diets and taking supplements to improve chances of having a healthy baby, even if we weren’t sure we wanted to try again yet.
12. What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?
Our first rainbow baby is now 3. My pregnancy with him was very anxiety-filled up until around the halfway point. From there, it was much easier. I had a wonderfully redemptive and empowering VBAC with him and he was born at 41+6. With our triple rainbow, I had some spotting for about 3 weeks, likely linked to the unrepaired cervical laceration I sustained during my VBAC. I did not have any of my typical symptoms of pregnancy (nausea, heartburn, funky taste in my mouth, round ligament pain (even really early on) etc), so aside from Beta HCG level testing a few times, I just had to take things day-by-day. My first ultrasound at 8+6 revealed an enlarged yolk sac, which can mean “nothing” or it can be indicative of genetic abnormalities or impending miscarriage. This scared me at first, but I ultimately had a good gut feeling that things were okay. Our genetic screening came back low risk, but I was extremely anxious for the anatomy scan, which we did through MFM because of my history. Thankfully, all looked great and the baby was measuring in the 55th percentile. I had felt this baby move at 13 weeks on the dot, despite having an anterior placenta, which was helpful. The remainder of my pregnancy was largely unremarkable in a positive way. Our triple rainbow baby – surprise baby girl, Lyra – was born at 39+6 during a speedy unmedicated 3rd VBAC – our doula thought we might have a roadside baby.
13. Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?
I look back at pregnancy photos often, and photos of Eevie. We planted a lilac tree to honor Eevie – sadly the deer ate most of the leaves, but I think it’s salvageable. I also planted a weeping willow tree in honor of the 2 other babies we lost and buried my first (double) rainbow baby’s placenta underneath to link them all together. Every once in a while I’ll open their memory boxes. Maybe someday I’ll get a tattoo in their honor or create a big garden honoring my/our entire journey in creating our family. I also plan to plant Lyra’s placenta under another willow tree come spring time to honor all of my babies, including the ones that are no longer with us.
14. Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?
You really aren’t alone. Please find people to support you through your grief, even if it’s only one person. Find activities to engage in or hobbies – something to keep you going. I love listening to podcasts, and that has been a staple for me through this process. Between fertility podcasts when I was fearing for my fertility after my D&E, birth podcasts, birth TRAUMA podcasts, loss podcasts, PAL podcasts, you name it, I’ve listened. Also know that grief does not have an end-point – our grief stays with us forever, we just learn how to grow around our grief. So don’t be hard on yourself if you feel it even years later. And lastly, please know you matter and your story/stories matters. Find a way to share them – even if it is just through a journal/diary, or through pictures, or photographs of things that remind you of your babies.
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