I remember being so excited to be pregnant, we were trying for a few months and knew with PCOS it wouldn’t be easier but after all those opks and fertility monitors I found out I was pregnant. Every appointment being told everything was normal NIPT came back negative and it was only until our anatomy scan I discovered that monsters don’t always live under our bed and every fear I had was coming true.
At our anatomy scan they told us baby had heart abnormalities and IUFGR. The specialist urged us to do an amnio to see if it was genetic. There was still so much hope when our amnio and micro array came back negative but soon after my world was shattered. At 24 weeks we found out I had no amniotic fluid left and left with the choice let our daughter suffer or go with the d&e.
Our daughter MIA was a very wanted pregnancy and this was what abortion looked like. I will suffer forever if it meant she didn’t have to. The months after were so hard learning
How to grieve, accepting my husband and I can not grieve together and never getting the answers to why. MFM’s saying it was a fluke and it might have been caused by the subchorionic hematoma I had in my first trimester that caused bleeding but resolved after few weeks and it was just a fluke. So hard to accept we will never have the answers and I knew wanted to try for a baby right away knowing one baby could never replace another but the longing to be a mother so strong.
We became pregnant after a few months with our lil rainbow, Aria, and navigating pregnancy after loss has been so difficult. How do we know what is a trauma response and what warrants speaking up. Did I know too much because I now know everything that could go wrong with pregnancy. Wishing I could still be blissfully ignorant.
This pregnancy was seemingly normal. The anxiety at every appointment and being told everything is normal, changed practitioners too because I felt like she didn’t see me and understand that we don’t choose to have this crippling fear in subpregnancy. I was finally starting to believe I could enjoy pregnancy until my third trimester what feels like a cruel joke now. 32 weeks and diagnosed with severe preeclampsia. Being robbed of ever having a normal pregnancy wishing I could go back to being blissfully ignorant of everything that could go wrong.
We are anxiously in the hospital awaiting to be induced in 2 weeks to finally hold our rainbow.
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