Danielle L’s Story

My husband and I got married Nov 2022. From the moment we started talking in 2020 we knew each of us wanted a future family with who we would end up with…my husband had already had a son and without getting in to his personal life it was not via his initial plan.

Anyway me being on the older side to start trying to have a baby I wanted to try as soon as we were married and to my surprise it happened within my first 2 cycles and I was tracking on LH strips.

I was so happy with how quickly our family was going to be built. When I learned how long it would take until our first 10 week scan the days seemed to drag but at the same time I started using a pregnancy app and would get excited to share the weekly growth with my husband.

On Groundhog Day we had our first ultrasound and regardless of feeling fine symptom wise my generalized anxiety kicked in with the anticipation of what we would see on the screen. I was completely blindsided and lost it when our baby looked nothing like a baby I saw from other people’s ultrasound videos and the ultrasound tech started questioning if I had my dates right.

I broke down immediately knowing something was wrong and that my dreams of this baby being ok were shattered. We were supposed to announce after this but now here I was inconsolable and being given 3 choices of how to completely end this pregnancy that technically was no longer and putting my body at risk.

I didn’t want to do it, I felt like I was doing something wrong even though they told me I had to believe my baby was not alive. The days ahead were filled with so much sadness that I never thought I was going to see light again. Also I felt guilty for any thoughts that would creep in of trying to get pregnant so soon after because it no longer felt like a want but a need! Believe me it wasn’t to replace this baby at all but so I knew it would be possible to give this love that needed to go to a baby in my arms as well as my baby in heaven now.

Every month that passed by without a sign of pregnancy made me feel empty and panicked that we were being robbed of time as others started to announce their pregnancies all around me.

My confirmation of my 2nd pregnancy happened when my husband was away for work about 5 months later. Unfortunately my Drs ran bloodwork and had doubts the pregnancy would be viable. I went from excitement I didn’t think I would be able to have seeing another positive pregnancy test to panic and anger real quick. Why was this happening?!

I was fortunate prior to this 2nd pregnancy to have a fertility clinic run tests without a reason I couldn’t get/maintain a pregnancy. Soon after saying goodbye to my 2nd pregnancy we were going to plan on a medicated cycle or an IUI if needed with my husband’s work schedule. I know I was supposed to wait on a return of my cycle but I hated any time passing and we were in the month of my 1st baby’s due date and I was hoping for a miracle to make sense of it all.

Well wouldn’t you know my next cycle never returned to have to call the fertility clinic for treatment, instead I was once again calling to confirm pregnancy via bloodwork and this time numbers were appropriately rising. Only a couple weeks later and we got our first heartbeat at 6 weeks, 2 days.

I’m still currently in the thick of it over half way through this 3rd pregnancy in 1 year with my double rainbow baby and hoping to hold this living baby in our arms soon but if nothing else I am remembering to celebrate the good moments with this baby even when I’m anxious. 

Danielle wears a long green dress and the rainbow skirt. The skirt flows out around her. She stands on the sand of the beach with the water in the background.

Danielle wears a long green dress and the rainbow skirt. The skirt flows out around her. She stands on the sand of the beach with the water in the background.

Danielle wears a long green dress and the rainbow skirt. She stands on the sand of the beach with a lighthouse in the background.

Danielle wears a long green dress and the rainbow skirt. There are trees and green grass in the background.

Danielle wears a long green dress and the rainbow skirt. She stands on a set of stairs. There are benches and buildings in the background.

Danielle wears a long green dress and the rainbow skirt. She holds her pregnant belly with both hands.

Photos taken by Sparrow’s View Photography.

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