My journey to motherhood began with my son in 2017. We became pregnant very quickly after deciding to start our family and were blessed with a beautiful baby boy.
In late 2018 we decided to expand our fam and this time proved to be more difficult. Every month I was full of hope and every month I was disappointed.
In spring 2019 my ” healthy” husband was diagnosed with a chronic degenerative bone disease that rocked our world. All my plans and hopes for the future all of a sudden looked very different…. In the middle of this hard time we found out we were expecting. It was such beautiful news and I felt such peace which I had not felt in so long.
Unfortunately that happiness came to an end. In August I started to bleed and had ” that” ultrasound: the one where they don’t show you the screen or let you hear the heartbeat and you know the terrible news that’s coming but try to convince yourself the doctor will say all is ok….but the doctor instead explains there is no longer a heartbeat and my “options” . I chose to proceed with the miscarriage naturally and spent an agonizing week trying to do so. Unfortunately my HCG levels were not falling and it was decided I would go into hospital for a d&c.
The night before d&c I have a gallbladder attack and it was determined that the d&c could wait and they would remove my gallbladder immediately. After waking up from surgery I stood up to go to the washroom and realized I had passed the baby. I had a male nurse exclaim “what is that!” looking at my bed and I had to explain to him and my 3 roommates looking on that I was miscarrying. The nurse was clearly rattled and paged obstetrics to come. I remember just standing there staring at my bed with blood dripping down my legs in a daze; I was still very cloudy from general anesthesia trying to process it all. This moment became a moment i have relived over and over again. The “scene” of the hospital bed, the nurse, the blood haunted my dreams many many nights.
Unfortunately my routine gallbladder removal had complications that lead to an additional surgery and a stent in my pancreas. Recovery was rough and long and my heart ached for our baby.
Finally we decided to try to expand our family again with no success. Secondary infertility is a hard and lonely place. I have a child. A healthy happy child and it was hard to discuss my struggles because so many people have struggled so much more.
In January 2021 I was scheduled for a HSG procedure but instead I tested positive for pregnancy. I did not believe it! I was terrified. The last 2 pregnancies I did something cute to announce to husband and recorded his reaction. This time I remember just telling him I’m apparently pregnant but don’t get your hopes up. I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks and only a sac was seen no fetal pole or heartbeat. The doctor said they would repeat ultrasound in 1 week but it appeared to be a blighted ovum. That week was a blur. I went to work every day waiting for miscarriage to start but it never did. I went back to doctor for repeat ultrasound with my speech prepared on why I wanted a d&c immediately this time. Instead there was a heartbeat; this tiny flicker on the screen. I cried harder in that moment than I had in years, even the doctor teared up. I was still terrified but I felt hope.
My pregnancy has progressed with no issues. I’m 32 weeks expecting a little girl and it has been an honor to carry her. I love being pregnant. I still hold my breath every time they check the heartbeat or at the start of an ultrasound. I have kept this pregnancy rather quiet…no social media announcement etc…I am honestly not sure why; it just feels so special and at the same time scary that I’ve kept the circle small.
I stumbled upon Journey for Jasmine in July through a pregnancy group I belonged to. I just thought it was so beautiful and brave for these women to share their stories. I contacted Sarah to see if I could participate completely anticipating that it was too short notice. To my amazement the rainbow skirt was in my city at that time and i could do my pictures right away. I don’t think I have had a picture taken of myself since before my miscarriage; this was so out of my comfort zone that I’m still surprised I actually did it.
Our storm is coming to an end and we can’t wait to meet our rainbow
**Update: our daughter decided to surprise us and was born at 36 weeks. We are all so in love with her.
Photos taken by My Dear Photography.
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