Brooklynn’s Story

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I never imagined the path to get there would be so challenging.

My first miscarriage happened so fast I did not even get a chance to tell my husband before I lost our baby. I got a test and was shocked it was positive. I scheduled an OB appointment and went in by myself to find out my HCG levels were very low and declining rapidly. They told me it was just a chemical pregnancy and nothing to worry about because it happens all the time and most people don’t even know. I was ashamed of my body though and did not tell my husband anything until weeks later.

A while later we decided to start trying for a baby. We were shocked to get a positive test pretty quickly. We were SO excited! I went to my first OB appointment and told them I had some cramping, but no bleeding. The midwife wrote me off and told me cramping didn’t mean anything and I would be fine. They put in for an ultrasound at 12 weeks. My husband and I walked into that ultrasound ecstatic to see our baby. We never expected that anything could be wrong because I had been assured I was overreacting about the cramping! The tech got me on the table and poked around a bit before harshly saying, “I don’t see a baby!” She quickly changed her tone when I started bawling my eyes out. As she had me get ready to take a closer look, I heard her ask my husband how far along I should be and she was shocked when he said 12 weeks. She finally found our baby, but they only measured about 7 weeks 5 days and she said those dreaded words, “There is no heartbeat.” I had a missed miscarriage before I even knew anything about missed miscarriages or that they were possible. When we got back to a midwife to discuss options, I pleaded with her to tell me the dating was just off and everything was okay. She ordered blood work which confirmed our numbers were decreasing, but very slowly and we would likely need surgery if my body didn’t recognize in the next week. I spent the whole week in bed still suffering from bad morning sickness on top of the grief knowing my baby was not going to make it to my arms safely. A week later I could not take the idea of having my dead baby inside of me and called to schedule my D&C. I was devastated and cried the whole way into the room and out as I woke up yelling, “You took my baby!” I still had not accepted my baby was gone because I had no physical signs. I still have nightmares from that day.

The following year we decided to try again and got pregnant pretty easily once again. At about 6 weeks pregnant I started bleeding. I was convinced it was over and called my mom for support since we had not even told her I was pregnant yet. This time the same ultrasound tech who so coldly broke the news last time, got to show us a little flicker on the screen. We had an SCH and got a few more ultrasounds to monitor. At 8 weeks we had a worse scare, but we were shocked to still see that beautiful heartbeat. The SCH eventually cleared up, but at our first trimester screening, the MFM suspected some problems with his heart. We went on to have more monitoring and a fetal EKG to finally determine the heart defects corrected themselves by 30 weeks. We went on to have a fairly easy remaining pregnancy and delivery despite a few heart hiccups in labor. He is now our 2.5 year old first double rainbow and everyone calls him our miracle baby.

We always knew we wanted more than one child decently close in age. Knowing the problems we had with our first pregnancies, we decided to start planning for the next baby early. We once again got a positive test quickly. The first trimester was uneventful, until my OB appointment which was not until 12 weeks this time. They tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler and when they could not, they brought in their fancy new portable ultrasound machine. We had our first miracle with us and I was just excited for him to see his sibling. The tech and midwife were silent though. I never even got to see the screen. Our baby only measured 8 weeks 4 days and once again there was no heart beat. I broke down and our son so sweetly climbed into my lap to give me the sweetest hug. That ultrasound did not count for our insurance, so they had us walk over to the hospital to relive the same nightmare again. I did NOT want another D&C, so we went home and waited. Just over a week later I woke up in the middle of the night and knew it was beginning. I tried to have our baby at home, but I began to hemorrhage and had to be rushed to the hospital. I didn’t even know you could hemorrhage with a miscarriage – I guess thats when I really realized every miscarriage I had was a birth just minus the joy. They rushed in to get labs, begin transfusions, intubate, and get me into an emergency D&C. I woke up a few hours later with a sore throat and no baby. They sent me out the door within 30 minutes of waking up. Less than 24 hours later I was back at work pretending nothing happened even though my whole world had been turned upside down.

I never thought I would recover from our 3rd miscarriage. I couldn’t bear the thought of trying again. I didn’t even want to attempt to trust my body again – it had failed me for the last time. However, a couple months later we decided it was worth it. Another positive test, but those don’t mean anything anymore. I put our best big brother tshirt on our son for my birthday to tell my husband and mom. I was terrified. I had labs every 48 hours and went for my first ultrasound at 6 weeks 2 days. As I was laying down I broke down in tears. The tech (a different one this time) put her hand on my arm and told me she read my chart and was aware of my pain that no one should have to go through. She assured me that she is quiet, but she would put the image up on the screen as soon as she saw something. She broke the silence by saying she had some good news and put our baby measuring about 5 weeks 2 days up on the screen and saying maybe I just ovulated late. She could tell I wasn’t convinced though and went to discuss with the OB. When she came back she told me they plan to do a repeat ultrasound in one week. She handed me the ultrasound picture and told me she wanted me to have it no matter what happens. 

That was the kindest gesture I have ever received when going through a miscarriage. I had never gotten to have a picture of our babies. Sometimes I didn’t even get to see them on screen and I was always in too much shock and too scared to ask for a picture. People always just assumed I wouldn’t want a picture of my dead baby I guess, but that is all I long for now that they are gone. We kept that picture on our fridge for months. 

At 7 weeks 3 days I went back to find our baby had only grown two days worth in a week and still no heartbeat detected. I broke down completely with flashbacks of my previous losses. To say I was devastated and terrified was an understatement. They sent me home to miscarry on my own with no guidance other than to go to the ER if it got bad again. I followed up with my primary care frustrated and ready for answers. She had offered me a referral for testing previously, so I decided to take her up on that. Two days later, while my son was napping and husband was at work, I began to lose my baby. My son woke up and I tended to him while I lost another one of his siblings. We took the remains to the lab the following morning to be sent off. About an hour later I got a call to come back. My doctor had me put the remains in formalin and I was informed that immediately killed all DNA and the ordered testing would not be able to be done. I decided to bring the remains home to plant them as that was also something I never got to do. It took me a couple weeks to finally have the strength to do it, but my husband, son, and I have enjoyed watching the plant grow and thrive in a pot I was given after our second loss.

A few weeks later we had a less than eventful visit with our new fertility clinic to discuss options and testing we could get done for our recurrent miscarriages. In the process of gathering paperwork from all our losses, I discovered that every time I had been told no abnormalities were found with our babies who were “sent off for testing” really meant nothing. Every single one had been sent off in formalin to preserve the remains, but kill all DNA. Therefore, we will never know what killed our babies or if they had a genetic abnormality. The fertility clinic ordered a couple tests, blood work, biopsies, and ultrasounds. None of which gave us any answers. We had a couple options moving forward, but none of them would really do much for us because we knew we could get pregnant, but would never know why our babies couldn’t stay. We decided to try again. 

Once again we got a positive quickly. The fertility clinic monitored HCG, progesterone, and an ultrasound at 7 and 9 weeks. All looked good so they released me to my regular OB. The week of Thanksgiving we ended up having to go to the hospital. It took FOREVER, but they finally brought in the doppler and could not find a heartbeat. I waited the next hour and a half while they tried to get in contact with the on call sonographer. Meanwhile I completely shut down, sure it was over. They finally wheeled me to get an ultrasound from a sonographer who was less than enthused to be called in. Nothing else mattered when we saw our healthy sweet baby jumping around with a strong heartbeat they just failed to find on the doppler. We had a small hemorrhage again and were sent home. I was referred to an MFM again, but overall our baby has been healthy and growing bigger every day. He is expected to make his arrival any day now!

Brooklyn wears a white dress and the rainbow skirt. She holds her pregnant belly with both hands.

Several items lay on top of the rainbow skirt, including: a rainbow, a ladybug, two painted rocks, and a chick hatching from an egg.

Brooklyn wears a red dress and the rainbow skirt. She holds her pregnant belly with both hands.

Brooklyn wears a white dress and the rainbow skirt. She holds her pregnant belly with both hands.

Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.

Make sure to follow Journey For Jasmine on InstagramFacebook, and Tiktok!

Pin and help spread the project!

Brooklyn’s Story Pin

Leave a Reply