My name is Angelina. I have three living children Lillianna, Samuel and Emma, and two angels, Jasmine and their brother or sister lost due to ectopic pregnancy.
I found out I was pregnant with my 4th child on January 16th, 2022. I had a stressful pregnancy.
If you’re over the age of 40, the conversations between you and your doctor look way different than they do when you’re 30. Physically, I was great. Mentally I was a mess. I wish I would have enjoyed my pregnancy more; I think about that all the time but I was constantly worried. Worried about being healthy, worried about my other children, worried about my relationship. I just wanted her to be safe and to be with us.
On September 6th 2022, I went for a routine ultrasound and found out that my baby had no heartbeat. I was 38 weeks pregnant with my 4th child, Jasmine. I had no clue or inkling that anything was wrong .
The ultrasound technician was quick that morning. She looked for a bit, confirmed that the baby was still breech and then suddenly left to get the doctor. I thought it was odd but didn’t really think anything of it. When she returned, she was with the doctor. He looked at me and said “I have terrible news, your baby has no heartbeat.”
For a split second, for some reason, I thought he was joking. At an earlier appointment, this same doctor confirmed that I had gestational diabetes. That day, he came into the exam room and said jokingly “Oh you just wanted to make this more complicated and get gestational diabetes.” I laughed as I got the sarcasm.
He double checked and confirmed what the technician discovered. At that moment, I asked my sister “Is this really happening?” We both started crying and then started praying. She was my savior at that moment. No words can describe how she saved me. My life has changed forever.
From that point on, the question that seemed to be a constant was ‘what’s next?’ We cried and left the doctor’s office for the hospital. I called my partner, Nicolas, to tell him the terrible news. He was at work and was about 1 ½ away. I called my dad. Lora and I picked up my mom from an appointment. We headed to the hospital. Once we checked in, the registrar said ‘We won’t check you in until we know you’re in labor.’ My response was ‘I’m not leaving.’
I went into a room that seemed to be just for me. My mom insisted on another ultrasound. She needed to see it for herself. I knew it was true. “When was the last time you felt the baby?” I couldn’t remember. “I think this morning? I don’t know, ugh I can’t remember!”
Nicolas got there. We cried in each other’s arms wondering how and why this could happen. We did everything right. Seeing him at that moment was everything I needed. I felt safe and comforted and he immediately took on a role that no partner should ever have to.
I was induced that afternoon. At one point, out of pure desperation, I asked for a c-section. The baby was breech so maybe they could. No. It wasn’t medically necessary.
I delivered baby Jasmine Enrica on Wednesday, September 7th at 4:35 pm. The hardest moment of my life was delivering my beautiful girl knowing she was gone. I wanted someone to save me; Nico, the doctor, the nurse, anyone. The only person that saved me was myself and the strength only God could provide.
“She’s beautiful, Angelina” was the first thing I heard before they laid her on my chest. No crying, other than from myself.
I held her and asked “What happened, my Love?” Nico held her; seeing him broke my heart even more. We held her, kissed her, cried for her, cried for each other.
She weighed 5 pounds 10 ounces and was 18 inches long. She had a head full of black hair, just like her dad and red lips just like her grandmother, Wanda.
We went through the motions that we never knew existed. Nico called the mortuary, we filled out the death certificate, and were visited by a social worker and a priest. All of which were foreign and strange. We did a photo shoot with the kids and the baby, which initially seemed so strange but I was so happy that we did it.
We left the hospital with no baby Jasmine the next day. Sad, tired, angry, confused all balled up into one. We have such good families that supported us. We are grateful for their support and love.
Everyday is a struggle for me. Some days I can’t stop thinking about her. Other days I imagine what she would be doing and how spoiled she would be. I see her in the eyes of my other kids. I see her when I see Nico’s mom. I see her when I see him sleeping. I see her when I see a rainbow. I see her when I see a hummingbird. I feel her always. She is always with me and gives me strength.
We tried again a year later. On August 28th, 2023, I experienced an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured. I was 6 weeks pregnant but I didn’t know until I went to the hospital. I underwent emergency surgery and had my left fallopian tube removed along with two liters of blood that had gone into my belly. I see my scar everyday and it reminds me how hard child bearing is and how lucky women are to have healthy babies and pregnancies.
Something good has to come out of my experiences; the opportunity to help other women, the voice of those who can’t talk about it…I don’t know. For now, I thank God for my strength and the strength of others and await the day I get to see my two Angels.
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