My husband and I were married March, 2022.
We started to try to conceive a few months after marriage. I was tracking ovulation and month after month, getting negative pregnancy tests. The first year was so hard. I desperately wanted to get pregnant and it wasn’t happening. My doctor told me I needed to wait a year for a fertility work-up. As soon as the year was up, I asked for a referral to a fertility specialist. The fertility clinic got us in right away and began with the painful tests and procedures. I had good health insurance for my husband and I, but our insurance only covered the testing. Anything beyond testing such as IUI or IVF would be completely out of pocket. My workup was basically clear, nothing to pinpoint except *possible* endometriosis, but this could not be diagnosed unless I had surgery, which was not recommended while trying to conceive. My husband had sperm motility and morphology issues however his overall counts were appropriate for IUI procedure.
The fertility clinic recommended we start with IUI. Our first IUI was full of nerves and anxiety but we did it. It resulted in a pregnancy. We were shocked. The clinic wanted to trend the beta HCG labs. Our world came crashing down when my beta labs started very low and then proceeded to not double as they should. I was told it was a chemical pregnancy and to wait for my next period to start. I was devastated to lose that baby and pregnancy. We never named the baby since it was so early. We didn’t know gender. I still feel so guilty about it, I refer to that baby as our “June 12” (due date) baby. My life changed forever with that first loss. Every aspect of my life. Every relationship. Everything was touched by the miscarriage. I wanted that baby so bad. I did everything right. I did what I was supposed to do- and the baby did not stick around.
Following our tragic loss – We were going to take a few cycles off to regroup. Our personal lives had hectic schedules so we decided we would call the fertility clinic in December to start IUI #2. The week I expected my period and to call the clinic in December, I had a positive pregnancy test instead. We had no treatment, this was unassisted. However soon after testing, serious symptoms started. I had pain, spotting and bleeding for 3 weeks straight. It was wicked. After suffering previous early loss and infertility, it was traumatizing to experience the symptoms that I did. Everyone kept saying it was “normal” but it certainly did not feel normal.
I’m due August 2024 with our rainbow baby. I still have crippling amounts of fear and anxiety. I hope we will make it until August. I hope I get to bring home an alive baby. Hope is stronger than fear I have found.
I found out about Project Finding Your Rainbow through social media. So much of my infertility and loss journey has been guided by my “internet friends”. The lovely women (and men) I have met online through Instagram all over the world, who also experience infertility and loss. I have survived the darkest days by being able to turn to my social media “internet friends” and content to feel less alone and validated in my feelings. I have struggled so much in my personal life to connect or feel understood since embarking on this journey. The online infertility and loss community welcomed me with wide open arms. I can never thank them enough for what they have given and done for me. All I can do is hope and wish on every star that all my very sad and very traumatized infertile friends, get their alive babies someday.
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