I didn’t know I wanted to get married and have kids until I met my husband. He didn’t need to change my mind or convince me. I just knew I wanted a different life than I imagined with him. I knew he’d be the best father ever and be the favorite parent. 7 years later, (2) unsuccessful IUIs, (3) failed transfers, it looked like our dream of having the perfect family was never going to happen. However, August 2017, we had our fourth transfer. 9 days later, we got the best news of our lives. We heard the three words I had never heard before “you are pregnant!” Our dreams were finally going to come true. We were going to join new titles, mom and dad! If I close my eyes, I can still see my husband crying tears of joy. It’s finally happening! Finally our turn. We wanted to share the wonderful news with our families since they have prayed and hurt for us. Made several unexpected visits and facetime calls.
We found out we were pregnant on a Friday. By the following Tuesday, our lives were never going to be the same. Our HCG numbers dropped and our hearts were broken, more like shattered. I was less than 5 weeks pregnant. A chemical miscarrige is what they called it. To me, it was more than just that. We lost our baby. I daydreamed a lot in the few days I carried our baby. I imagined our living room being overtaken by baby stuff. Or seeing a walking baby and dad and mom chasing him. Coming home outfit and endless sleepless nights. We had a name picked out for our boy, Lennon Rush. He was the desire of hearts. I had promised our babies the world. I promised Lennon to always protect him from everything and everyone. Lots of hugs and kisses. I promised to tell him everyday how much I loved him and how much we wanted him. I made a lot of promises. Our baby was so loved. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I hated everything and everyone. It took me to a dark place. A dark place I don’t wish for anyone, even my worst enemy. I thought I was going to need to have a girl talk with myself and accept the fact I probably won’t ever be a mom and make my husband a father. I was determined to be miserable for the rest of my life and never attend a baby shower or kids birthday. This loss caused my husband to question his faith. For me, I was just mad at God. I had lots of questions for him. But mainly, why did he take my baby away. Although we had one more embryo frozen, I was afraid to go forward. I didn’t know what else my heart could handle. This infertility crap will break a person.
After months of crying myself to sleep and random outbursts, I decided to make some changes. I was one the edge on giving up but my determination wouldn’t let me. So I sought a therapist, hit the gym HARD and started acupuncture. I even went on a religious retreat. I knew I needed to get mentally, physically and spiritually ready in order to prepare for the next transfer. Most important (to me), I needed to get right with God. I needed to stop asking him “why” and accept his plan for me and be patient. I knew it was going to be hard but worth it at the end. I knew we were going to be parents in some way, somehow. We started talking about adoption. We started the paperwork, home visits and background checks. But on the back of my head was our last embryo patiently waiting on us. I don’t know what or when but something, maybe God told me it is time. Time to transfer our future baby.
June 27, we found out we were pregnant again! Our HCG number was over 300! June 30, numbers were over 800 and ultrasound was scheduled in two weeks. Longest two weeks of our lives! But you guys, we saw the most beautiful thing ever. A baby in my tummy and a heartbeat! I couldn’t stop crying. Thank you GOD! Other than a SCH at 7 weeks and an emergency ER visit due to no movement from the baby, I had a smooth pregnancy. I never got sick or my feet swelled up lol. After every appointment, we were closer to meeting our miracle baby. Every day felt like a dream. As always, I am grateful that I got to experience carrying this little boy . Arlo Israel was born March 1st. He is the most perfect, beautiful and super chill baby ever! He loves to let mommy sleep at nights and enjoys peeing on dad during diaper changes. He loves mommy milk and daddys cuddles. I love him more than life itself. He has changed my life forever. He makes me want to be a better human being and I hope I never fail him. He is the best part of him.
When I look at my child, I see all the obstacles we faced in order to get here. All the pain we endured in the last 7 years. Every tear and heartbreak. It was not easy but my baby was worth it! Don’t get me wrong, my loss has not been forgotten. Nor my 3 sweet embabies that didn’t stick around. I still think of my Lennon and the life we would’ve had with him. One sweet night, he visited me in a dream. I saw his face and he was beautiful. One day I know I will see him again and finally hold him. I will tell him I love him very much and give him the biggest hug ever. I will thank him for sending us Arlo. Cause only he knew how much we wanted him and didn’t want to see us hurt anymore. As a tribute to him, I got a tattoo, “mother of Lennon”. I thought I was never going to be a mom but I had to remember, I am a mom. I am mom to an angel in heaven.
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