Nick and I have had our fair share of hardships in our life together, and every single time we’ve come out on the other side stronger. I am a mom and he is a dad to our angel, August Anthony.
Shortly after we were married, we became pregnant with our first child. We were over the moon, excited, all of the things you feel when you get to prepare for a life you’ve created together! We celebrated the news with family, friends, and our beloved French bulldog, Theodore. Theo had a serious heart defect and we knew our time with him was limited, so if you can imagine the most spoiled, loved dog in the world, it was him.
My pregnancy was not easy but nothing was of huge concern to my doctor.
We found out August was a boy at my 20 week ultrasound and were in awe, shock and full of love for him immediately. We surprised our family with a gender reveal 3 days later.
I landed in the hospital 5 days after our gender reveal with the worst back pain I could ever describe, bleeding profusely, and fear in my heart like I have never experienced in my life.
In OB triage we were told he did not have a heartbeat. I was 21 weeks along. The doctor told me unfortunately I would have to deliver him that night. My world crashed around me, I felt sick, tortured, I was not me anymore. After his delivery I had to have an emergency d&c and was given 2 blood transfusions.
August was born on June 10, 2021 and he was tiny, beautiful, perfect. I held him close the entire next day, then was sent home with a box of birth certificates, time of death papers, his hat and blanket he was wrapped in, instead of our baby boy.
Our sweet Theo wrapped his paws around us and did not let go. He helped us grieve and our family and friends held us up during that time when we could not even stand.
August’s death was caused by a placental abruption. This occurs in 1% of pregnancies, and it was completely unexplained. A “freak accident” was the term used. No reason. He was healthy and perfect. I think not having any answers as to why this happened will be the question I’ll ask every day for the rest of my life.
In September 2021, on our 1 year wedding anniversary, Theo passed suddenly. To say that was the worst summer of our entire lives would be an understatement. Nick and I were not sure how to get out of the deep black hole of grief we were submerged in. We lost our two babies suddenly over a span of 4 months.
Through time, counseling, medication, and leaning on each other, we slowly began to start the climb out of that black hole, although I feel as if there is a black hole in my heart that will always remain.
In October we brought home another frenchie named Oberon, and he’s brought so much happiness into our lives. Then in November, I found I was pregnant again. An emotional rollercoaster it has been. I am currently 28 weeks with our rainbow baby boy. Every day is full of excitement, fear, anxiety, heartache, love, & hope. I truly feel in my heart that August and Theo are watching over nick, myself and this baby.
I feel August’s presence with me constantly, I’ve prayed to him to come to me in my dreams, and he has. He is so close and yet so far. My first born son, my angel forever. As this pregnancy continues I feel every passing day is a victory that I can only hope will end with my healthy, full term baby boy in my arms. This experience has changed me, has changed my marriage, my life. The strength I feel I have could move mountains. I have used that to bring awareness to others about stillbirth and loss, how many it affects and how it is not talked about enough. Trying to break the stigma that surrounds it and to let others know that It is ok to not be ok. And that your grief and feelings are all completely valid.
This photo shoot in this breathtaking skirt is for all of my boys, to celebrate them all and to never let any of them be forgotten. Forever loved and forever in my heart.
RIP August Anthony & Theodore
Read more about placental abruption here.
Photos taken by Alycia Choroszucha.
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
Pin and help spread the project!