1. Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?
Getting pregnant has always been pretty easy for me. We struggled for a couple of months to become pregnant with my first child but my doctor discovered that I was deficient in folic acid and once I started adding that to my diet, we immediately got pregnant. Since then I have been able to get pregnant without any issues 6 times.
2. What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?
All of my pregnancies were pretty easy and enjoyable. I loved being pregnant. Maylene was especially enjoyable because she moved a lot at an early age and she was also moving. It was very comforting to feel and experience my baby. She is also the only female baby that didn’t give me morning sickness. She was so easy, the easiest out of all my girls.
3. Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?
I lost my daughter, Maylene Priscilla Rose, at 40 weeks and 1 day due to her umbilical cord rupturing from her placenta. Her death was instant. I am grateful that I was able to get an answer because it really weighs on you not knowing.
4. How far along were you?
I was 40 weeks and 1 day. She was due May 21, 2023 and she was delivered May 22, 2023
5. What are your babies names?
William (he goes by Liam)-9 yrs., Magnolia (she goes by Maggie)-8 yrs., Penelope-4 yrs., Gwendolyn-2 yrs., Maylene (my forever baby), and we are pregnant with Baby #6, Lucinda (she goes by Lucy)
6. What was the birthing/loss experience like?
It is the worst experience anyone can face (in my opinion). It is absolutely devastating. I felt Maylene (we didn’t know she was a girl, we were waiting to be surprised) moving, she did her 10 kicks in a few minutes like normal around 11 pm the night before. At 5 am the next morning (Monday May 22), I woke up suddenly. I felt something was off because she wasn’t moving. I told my husband and we both thought, she must be sleeping. My other daughter had therapy at 9 am, so I took her to therapy but I still had not felt my baby move. This was very abnormal for her because she was such an active baby. When I got home, I tried to find her heartbeat with the doppler but I couldn’t. I called my husband and he immediately came home from work and took me to the hospital. The nurses tried for 15 minutes to find her heartbeat before finally calling my midwife. She had barely put the ultrasound wand to my stomach when she said there is no heartbeat. I wanted to die. I couldn’t understand how she was fine less than 24 hrs before. I wanted to rip my hair out, I just shouted “no” over and over again.
My midwife had the OB confirm that my baby was gone. I had planned to have a vaginal birth without any medicine but my midwife suggested that I allow them to make this painless because she had to be delivered. I agreed and they provided an epidural and induced labor. When contractions started, I thought my water broke but a gush of blood was coming out. My OB and midwife thought I was hemorrhaging, so they rushed me to the OR for a C-section. Because I do not accept blood transfusions, the anesthesiologist decided it would be safer if I was put to sleep in case anything went wrong. I went to sleep holding my midwife’s hand. When I woke up I immediately asked the anesthesiologist about my baby, did the baby make it, what is the gender, how much does the baby weigh. He was shocked, as if he had not expected me to wake up immediately aware and asking about my baby.
He grabbed the OB who told me I had a beautiful girl that was 8 lbs 1 oz. After 30 minutes I was able to leave the OR and hold my baby. She looked like she would just wake up and cry. She was fully formed, ready for life. I am grateful that I was not conscious for the delivering of my baby, I feel that I avoided a lot of trauma because it was done this way. I am really grateful for my team and the hospital, they really cared for me and my baby. They still referred to my baby as a baby, they hugged me, they cried with me, they held my baby, they were like family.
7. Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?
I spent 3 days with my baby. She was able to stay with me the entire time. I held her as much as I could. We were able to get keepsakes but I wish I had been more prepared because I would have gotten a lot more keepsakes. We have prints, one impression, she had a lot of hair so we cut a lot of her hair to keep, we have the hat she wore, a beautiful gown that was gifted to her, and her hospital bands, but I wish I had a mold of her hands and feet. Because I found out she had passed and then immediately went to deliver, I couldn’t prepare things but the hospital provided me with ‘Rachel’s Gift’ and that helped immensely so that we could have some things from her.
8. How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?
I couldn’t have asked for a better medical staff! They really did everything they could to care for us before and after our loss. I absolutely love my midwife and I am back with her for my current pregnancy. I love my OB and will be with him for the scheduled c-section. And I had one nurse the entire time, Leslie, that was an absolute God-send. She was so loving and caring. She helped me with everything, even washing my baby and swaddling her, she held my baby, she helped us get the keepsakes and even fixed one that was damaged. She took pictures for us and never once said anything offensive. The entire staff was amazing, even the discharge nurse was careful when discharging us, she caught herself and said ‘don’t carry anything over 10 lbs’ instead of ‘don’t carry anything heavier than your baby.’ We live in my husband’s home town, so most of the people around us at that time knew him his whole life, so we could all really feel the love. Even the funeral director came to the hospital and carried my baby out swaddled in a blanket, so that we wouldn’t have to see her in a body bag. She didn’t leave my daughter’s side until she was cremated. I will be forever indebted to all those wonderful people that really were the best support at the lowest point of my life.
9. Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?
We had a lot of support from our friends and certain family members. Not everyone can handle pain like this, so there were people that we decided to remove from our lives. But overall, we had meals for 4 weeks, letters, flowers, texts, phone calls, visitors, hugs, crying, comfort from our friends, community, our religious community, not just from the area where we live but also from friends in CA (where we used to live for 6 years). I still get support from some really amazing people.
10. How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)
I am pretty solid in my faith and I really believe in the truth and promises within the Bible. So, I wasn’t confused or mad. I relied on God to help me through prayer, Bible reading, and attending religious meetings. I am very sad and I struggle with the new life that I have without my daughter. The crying and depression are not as bad but I will never be the same. I am also in therapy so that is helping with my flight/fight response and anxiety. I just embrace when I am sad, name it, experience it, and I do the same when I am happy. It has helped to know that I will be both things always. And when I get really down, it helps to know that I will see her again!
11. How did you know you were ready to try again?
Oh this is a hard one. I don’t think I am ready, but I am working to keep that feeling in its place because I want to enjoy this baby his or her entire life, no matter how short or how long. We were very much surprised and not trying to conceive when we discovered we were pregnant.
12. What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?
This is my 6th pregnancy and it is much harder emotionally because of losing my daughter at 40 weeks and 1 day. For the first time ever, I experienced implantation bleeding. I actually had the bleeding at the same time as when my menstrual cycle was supposed to occur but it was so abnormal for me that I called my doctor. They did bloodwork to confirm the pregnancy. In between that time (waiting for the appointment and the bloodwork to come back) I took 4 pregnancy tests. I was shocked! I thought I was losing the baby because I was bleeding. It was very scary and nerve wrecking. I was afraid to use the restroom and at the same time I was rushing to the restroom a lot to check to make sure I wasn’t bleeding a lot. After 10 days of light bleeding/spotting, it stopped but I was still very stressed and I am still very stressed. I worry that a cramp or a pain will be the end of this precious life. Even though I have never had a miscarriage before, I worry this will be the time and I don’t know how I’ll survive. I was relieved at my first appointment because even though I was only 7 weeks, I was able to see and hear the little heartbeat. I feel very taken care of by my OB and midwife but I am afraid every time I go in for an appointment, for fear that I am going to hear the worst words ever. Now the baby is big enough that I can hear the heartbeat on my own doppler and that has been giving me comfort until I can feel baby move. Physically this pregnancy has been similar to my other pregnancies, I am 35 so I am feeling my age but there hasn’t been anything more difficult or easy with the way this pregnancy feels.
13. Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?
We associate lions with my Maylene. She is also named after our favorite band, so anytime we hear that band we get to hear her live (in a way). I also started crocheting to help with my depression and anxiety, I have been making free keepsakes for other loss moms and it has helped to meet so many loving families and to comfort them as we walk this path. @stillmaylene
14. Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?
It helped me going to therapy, so I strongly suggest that for moms. I also didn’t realize how helpful it is to be a part of the loss community, definitely create a loss community for yourself because no one understands like we do. It can be easy to isolate but that can do a lot of damage. I really think it is good for loss moms to know that we will never get our old life back, and once that becomes real you can begin to grow in this new life where we have to carry our baby in our hearts instead of in our arms. I think a lot of people struggle because they think they can control their life enough to get back to how ’normal’ was and to me it really slows down the process. The old life had your child living and this new life doesn’t. I also found it helpful when I realized that not everyone is meant to be in my life, I had no patience for it after Maylene died and I realized how much time I wasted worry about people that didn’t care enough about me and shouldn’t have been in my life. Death will do that, so understanding that we should keep the good ones close really helps. Embrace who you are, we are loss moms and if you want people to know tell them, if people are nosey, tell them, we shouldn’t have to hide and I am not going to.
Photos taken by Olivia Sens Birth & Photo.
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