Baby Bear – Our Daughter in the sky
This is the story of our first child, baby bear.
We had excitedly decided to start trying for our first baby in Jan 2022, we were nervous, excited and keen to embark on this adventure!
I have PCOS so was pretty sure it would take us a long time to fall pregnant, however much to our surprise we fell pregnant quickly and on the 18th May we both stared at those two pink lines on the pregnancy test!
We were having a baby!!
Those first few months of pregnancy I was in the midst of pure bliss and contentment, despite the fatigue and morning sickness ( thanks bear )
I was loving every single moment of growing and carrying our first baby.
I was that mumma to be that took ‘bump’ pictures when there was hardly no bump to see but I was so proud I had to take photos of every single moment. Our scan appointment got sent through, 25 July, we would be around 13 weeks. We just couldn’t wait that long to see our precious baby and so we booked a private early ‘reassurance scan’ at around 7 weeks.
It was pure magic.
They were tiny, almost unidentifiable as a baby, more like a prawn but it was there, alive, beating heart. Our gorgeous little prawn!
The relief we felt was immense. The baby is fine. It will be ok. We can’t wait for the next scan to compare how big the prawn has got!
July 25th. Scan day. Oh the excitement, little bit of nerves I won’t lie, just want it all to be ok, surely it will all be ok I kept reassuring myself. During the scan which began perfectly well, baby was complimented on their long legs which we found funny, perfect beating heart, all appeared well.
They were bouncing around and we loved seeing their little movements, so so cute. Then the nightmare began, the senior sonographer asked to take over as he thinks he spotted something he needs to look at further. He took over and the room fell silent, he scanned for what seemed like a small eternity but was maybe around five minutes before he said ‘ I do not like the look of your babies head’ ‘I don’t like the look of it at all’ he continued discussing our babies condition with his colleague – I just laid there, feeling like I wanted to scream and run out that room and never ever go back!
Me and my partner made eye contact, he was devastated I could tell but trying to be strong, we were thinking the same, what does he mean? What is going on? Is our baby ok? the scan continued as did the explanations of just how abnormal our babies brain and head development was. He made it extremely clear this was not something small, this was fatal. Our baby will not survive this. We left the room, somehow I managed to stand up despite the whole world falling around my feet, I cried and cried into Joses arms, it was all over. My baby, Our baby.
After further scans with a fetal medicine consultant he confirmed our darling baby was extremely poorly, with brain abnormalities they rarely see, possibly from some random chromosome abnormality from the day of conception, we will not be taking this baby home, he said. We had to then discuss termination of the pregnancy, which would result in me giving birth naturally a week later at 14weeks+1 gestation. We got some precious time with bear but due to some complications and a lot of strong medication I was a little bit ‘out of it’ and didn’t really take it all in to be honest. This upsets me greatly. The whole process of terminating your much loved and wanted baby was torturous and pushed me physically and emotionally to places I didn’t even know existed. I took all the pain so our baby knew nothing but love. So much love.
We do have photos that will be treasured for as long as we both live, a beautiful memory box with footprint and handprints. We both feel very lucky to have those small memories of our darling baby. We found out our babies gender a few months later.. a beautiful baby girl, a princess in the sky. Finding out the gender has helped immensely in the grieving process and its made me more determined than ever to show her just how much we love her and will celebrate her every single day. No one can prepare themselves for going through something so traumatic but somehow the world keeps turning.
We would love to give Bear a big brother or sister in the future, a rainbow baby. Bear will always be a huge part of our family story, apart of our hearts and lives as we learn to move forwards.
A rainbow to me is something magically beautiful, a sort of unexpected gift from the sky – whenever I see a rainbow I do think to myself its Bear playing with her crayons in the sky.
So bear is our rainbow she’s the beauty amongst the grey skies, she’s the colours in the sometimes dark world. She’s our daughter. I thank my lucky stars everyday that I got 14 precious weeks with her and she has shown me what is means to be a mother.
She is our greatest gift.
Mummy and Daddy love you to the moon & back..
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