At 36 weeks pregnant, my husband and I were devastated to find out that our baby had a brain abnormality which would lead to severe mental suffering in the unlikely event that if at all he would survive the birth. During an ultrasound, I was told ‘I’m sorry your baby’s brain hasn’t formed.’ I let out a sound I had never heard myself make before, and I was in a complete state of shock.
We were advised a termination would be in the best interest of our baby rather than put him through a lifetime of suffering. Aveer was delivered at 9.57pm on Sunday 19 January 2020. He was the most beautiful baby boy.
From what I experienced, people often feel if they bring up the discussion on the loss of Aveer, it will remind me of the pain. Yet, the irony is, you live with that pain every single day.
With baby loss – people shy away from the topic more so than any other loss. Losing a baby is one of the worst possible things a person can go through. As well as grieving the loss itself, you grieve all the possibilities and dreams you had imagined with your child – from first steps, right till their graduation and beyond.
Since losing Aveer, I made it my purpose to raise awareness about baby loss. In 2020, I organised Aveer’s Footprints, a remote 5k anytime, anywhere walk during the pandemic which raised £16k for SANDS. The following year, I organised the Little Angels walk which raised £16k for Tommy’s, Remember my Baby and Tiny Tickers – charities that support research into baby loss and provide baby loss photography.
After a difficult journey, I was blessed to become pregnant again. We just delivered our rainbow baby girl Akira on 1st August 2022 and we are so grateful to become parents once again.
Being pregnant again after a loss was a rollercoaster of emotions. At the same time of feeling grateful and blessed, I had to accept it was normal to feel anxious at each scan and appointment. I would often tense up at a common question ‘Is it your first baby?’ and would just nod and quietly say “yes”, but feel torn inside. I am thankful to have supportive family and friends who helped me with my journey, and I can’t thank them enough for their constant love and support.
I never felt truly at ease until I held Akira in my arms. We kept our pregnancy very private, and although it was difficult at times and I was often uncertain of our decision, I knew it was the best thing for me to help manage my own emotions.
Aveer is always with me, and he has given me a new understanding and meaning to life. If there is anything I’ve learnt, it is that life is unexpected and completely unpredictable. If you’re reading this and are anxiously waiting for your rainbow or trying for a pregnancy after a difficult journey, trust me – after a dark tunnel, there will always be light at the end.
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