Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?
Getting pregnant was incredibly difficult. I told them at 16 that it would most likely be difficult due to my PCOS. I was put on birth control from 16 to about 20 when my husband and I started trying. After getting off BC I found my periods way worse than I had left them. They were long, irregular, painful, and hard to track. We believe that we had several chemical pregnancies along the way, but couldn’t confirm them. I had two surgeries for endometriosis and after the second surgery, they believed an egg got knocked loose and we found ourselves pregnant with our miracle baby! We called the baby “Blue” for the few weeks we knew him since we found out we were pregnant when he was the size of a blueberry.
What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?
My first official pregnancy with Blue was full of a lot of nausea and random sicknesses. We didn’t know we were pregnant until we were about 6/7 weeks along so I had some pretty strong symptoms right away. Food aversions, nausea, etc. My second pregnancy that same year was a chemical pregnancy, just barely had some similar symptoms. My current pregnancy has been filled with some pretty intense nausea, fatigue, and some blood pressure issues.
Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?
My first “official” loss was due to sepsis. One Sunday I struck a fever, but it was gone the next day. By that Tuesday my “normal” pregnant spotting had changed and I went into the ER. Nothing was wrong except for a case of BV. By that Friday, my fever was back with chills, vomiting, and more. My husband took me to the ER where I was immediately tested and then treated with some heavy antibiotics for sepsis that they couldn’t find a cause for. My second pregnancy was a chemical pregnancy.
How far along were you?
I was 12 weeks along when I was released from the hospital that late Sunday night. Monday we had an ultrasound that showed my amniotic fluid was incredibly low, and by Tuesday night, I was miscarrying into my toilet at home.
What are your babies names?
We called our first baby “Blue” because we didn’t official what he was, but my husband had some pretty strong dreams right after our loss that was a boy, so we call him Finley. Our chemical pregnancy we called “Two” for a while but are still searching for a name to honor it.
What was the birthing/loss experience like?
Losing Finley was the hardest thing I had done. He was our miracle baby and we were so attached, and there was so much that was left without closure. What caused the sepsis? Why didn’t they check on him more when I was hospitalized? When I was actually miscarrying, we had some friends over. It was the 4th of July and they were trying to help keep us distracted and positive. At one point my best friend was making me laugh, and at that moment I was pushing him out.
Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?
We didn’t have time with either one of our miscarriages, but, our doctor gave us Forget Me Not seeds and a small charm with baby feet on them that we hold dear. We are moving into our new home soon and I look forward to planting the seeds. I have bought or been given little keepsakes over the years to hold them close.
How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?
During my first loss, I was given care just for treating my sepsis. It feels like the hospital staff knew that the sepsis would lead to miscarriage, but no one said anything and didn’t speak of it. During my second loss, I felt I was given very bare-bones treatment. Both times my normal OB was unavailable, and I had to fight to get people to listen to me and check on things.
Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?
We had a lot of family and friends who tried being supportive, but I wasn’t in a place of being able to accept it. For a while, I just ignored it and kept moving on, but it ended up turning into a lot of bitterness which made a lot of relationships strained.
How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)
For the first few months, I tried really hard to focus on the positive, look to my faith, and just keep going, but this wasn’t the right course. While I still use my faith to honor my babies live my daily life, and cope, I ended up going into therapy the March after because I was struggling so deeply with loss and bitterness and felt like I was drowning. It took almost to years to feel anything like myself again.
How did you know you were ready to try again?
My husband and I bounced back and forth between being ready or not. Our chemical pregnancy right after losing Finley really messed with us. We “knew” when our insurance was changing and we were worried about losing our options for fertility treatments. We agreed we would take a summer to try them and we how we felt.
What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?
It’s been a difficult pregnancy which has brought so much peace and other anxiety. I was labeled high risk so I got extra ultrasounds, which has been great. I struggled greatly with nausea and fatigue, which made daily life difficult, but reassuring to feel the symptoms. My baby is incredibly active so feeling him reassures me he’s okay, but his “quiet days” bring so much worry.
Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?
Two of my best friends also experienced losses/infertility in the same year, so to help others and honor our babies we made a support group called “In the Waiting” where we meet with others experiencing difficult times of grief or waiting on answers. I also have two shelves in my home with little things that remind me of my babies. This past year we participated in “Wave of Light” in October as well. On the days I feel like grieving and crying, I do let myself because they are still my babies.
Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?
There is light at the end. The feeling of drowning and overwhelming grief does pass. I didn’t see a way out for so long, but I can assure you, it does. Let people take care of you during this time and guide you to healing and growth,
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
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