On March 17, we got the most amazing news; we found out we were pregnant. Lucky was our rainbow baby, which also perfectly falls on St. Patrick’s day, hence the name, lucky. She really was our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. From the moment we found out we were pregnant, lucky was always surrounded by love from her mom + dad, family, friends, coworkers, patients and strangers. You name it, she was loved by everyone. She had adventures to Idaho, Seattle, Colorado, Texas and her favorite, Hawaii. We prayed for her every night at the dinner table. She enjoyed working out with her mom + spending time with her siblings which includes; dogs, cats, chickens, a bearded dragon & and few cows. Lucky loved waking her dad + mom up every morning with long, strong kicks. We are so grateful for all the love, support and excitement we received throughout our pregnancy journey. It really was the perfect pregnancy.
On Friday, October 28th, our most feared nightmare came true. I went to a scheduled prenatal 37.1 week appointment and was told lucky did not have a heartbeat. I cried and could not believe it, two days ago we had a perfect ultrasound. Her heart beat was 146. Being an L+D nurse for the last 7 years, I thought I knew how everything worked, but I was wrong. We left the clinic in disbelief and total darkness. Ishs family waited for us outside and took us home. We returned to the hospital that afternoon. I was so scared about how one of my coworkers would take care of me during this. I questioned whether I should go somewhere else. Now I’m thanking God I didn’t. I could not have done it without them.
When we arrived, my coworkers prayed, listened, and cried with us. They offered all the support we needed so much. THEY ARE THE BEST WORK FAMILY. My induction started at 6pm that evening and delivered October 29,2022 at 03:07am. It was such a vast ocean of emotions bringing our perfect child into this world. We were all in awe that our sweet lucky was a GIRL. Her dad likes to point out that he knew it all along, and she has his nose. The experience was as a friend put it: “overwhelmingly beautiful and bright and starkly shockingly tragic”. We were able to spend 20 hours with her. In that time, she was surrounded by unconditional love from us, our family and our closest friends. We spent those precious hours crying, holding, admiring, and praying over her. She brought us some much light in the darkest hours. I wish things could have been different, but I’m happy we got to meet her.
I’m hurt, sad, angry, frustrated and upset. A simple way to explain how I feel: “it just sucks”. A friend of mine got me a special bear that says “ and to think the first thing you saw when you opened your little eyes was the face of Jesus” that gives me comfort that Selena will only ever know the love from God and Us. I still wish I was the one taking care of her on earth. We will never understand this and I have questioned God “why” so many times.
A couple days after delivering one of my labs came back positive Factor Prothrombin. This test checks for a genetic clotting disorder. It explained why her placenta separated from my uterus and why there was a big clot behind it. Me being active is probably the only reason I never developed a blood clot. With these findings came a new journey… I will have to manage daily blood thinner shots for 6 weeks postpartum and if we ever decide to get pregnant again I will be on them my entire pregnancy. It brings me hope that my doctor was able to find the problem but the heartbreak and pain is still there. The problem with being a L+D nurse is you know too much and it’s the what ifs that keep me up at night.
Our little girl was loved by so many and she will never be forgotten. Now that I’ve experienced this lost my soul is changed forever. I gaze at babies and pregnant mommas and realize the absolute sacredness of what is growing in their bellies. Healthy babies are truly a MIRACLE from God. Please continue to pray for peace and comfort for Ismael and I , family and friends. I have faith that God will one guide and open our eyes in order to help others.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28 ESV).
Photos taken by Chelsea Allen.
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