I knew that I was always meant to be a mother.
My husband and I have always loved kids and knew we wanted a big family. On February 1st of 2023, after almost one year of trying to conceive and many negative pregnancy tests, we discovered that we were finally pregnant with our dream baby that we had been longing for. We were excited and informed our family and close friends of this joyous news immediately.
We had one appointment to confirm the pregnancy one week later and were on cloud nine. I started to feel nauseous and welcomed the symptoms as a symbol of everything being okay, but I also started to feel anxious and worried. My husband is a primary care physician, and I found myself asking him what the percentage of miscarriage was with each passing week due to a gut feeling and fear. We began praying the rosary every single night for our baby’s health and the health of the pregnancy.
On February 17th of 2023, I miscarried our first child at 8 weeks pregnant. Our hearts were broken and there was a missing piece for months to follow. No expectant mother, or father, should ever have to experience this type of loss. We named our angel baby and prayed for peace and his or her safety in heaven.
After 3 months, we decided that we were finally ready to start trying again. We tried for 4 months and continued to see repeated negative pregnancy tests with our angel baby’s due date quickly approaching. Words cannot describe how empty and powerless you feel when you struggle to become pregnant, with or without a miscarriage. You begin to feel as though it’s your fault. Every month of a negative pregnancy test became more and more difficult. We were officially referred to an infertility clinic and I felt broken. We completed all the testing with infertility and found that there was no specific indicator or reason as to why we were not getting pregnant, and I felt hopeless.
On October 3rd, our angel baby’s due date, I received a positive ovulation test 5 days earlier than my typical cycle. I had been praying for rainbows as a sign that I would become a mother one day, and every single day from October 3rd to October 13th, I saw a rainbow. On October 14th, I was one day late and finally got my positive pregnancy test. I got my rainbow.
I was immediately elated, terrified, in love, and anxious for what was to come. I surprised my husband with this pregnancy and he was immediately happy beyond belief. His happiness was admirable and so pure, that I made a promise to myself at that moment to take it all one day at a time and protect my heart, while also trying to make room for the excitement that this little life deserves.
One year after our miscarriage, we are now 21 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby girl who is due in June of 2024. I still find myself guarded and protecting my heart with each passing week as one week closer to her arrival, but being able to feel her is the greatest blessing I could ever imagine. We have decided to name her Laurel Rayne for our precious rainbow baby and answered prayer.
I pray that all mothers out there, whether they fear miscarriage, have miscarried, have suffered a loss, suffer from infertility, are unable to conceive or carry their child are given peace, blessings, and their rainbow baby of their own.
Photos taken by Belmont & Bliss Photo Co.
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