As if the unknowns of pregnancy aren’t scary enough, add in a cancer diagnosis.
This was our reality.
One of my biggest fears for all of my life has been pregnancy. The whole struggle with medical anxiety, mixed with my sensory issues, and a low mental threshold for pain just never made it something I looked forward to doing one day. Despite these insecurities, my desire to have children outweighed all of them. Knowing my husband, Matt, would be there to hold my hand the entire way helped bring out the courage I needed to overcome this fear.
In February 2022, there was no denying those two pink lines. We were expecting our first baby! We were filled with so many emotions as I surprised Matt with the positive pregnancy test while on vacation in Florida. I felt like I could just jump out of my skin with the anticipation of telling him that he would be a daddy! Anxiety took the backseat to the excitement we felt in that moment. Little did we know that the vows “in sickness and in health” would be tested so soon after our wedding…
8 weeks later.
It felt like an eternity for this appointment! Matt and I headed in for our first ultrasound– the one that would validate our positive pregnancy test, and show us the little bean living inside of me. It was within seconds that the ultrasound technician announced that the little bean inside of me was actually no longer living. We left that appointment with the devastating news that there was no heartbeat. I was in disbelief and denial. I felt blindsided to the point that I laughed out loud in the doctor’s office thinking it was a joke.
Speaking of jokes
The dilation and curettage was scheduled for 2 days later, on April 1st- a sick April fool’s joke if you ask me. We opted to have genetic testing done to hopefully give us answers as to why this happened. Weeks later I received the call that it was a partial molar pregnancy that caused this miscarriage. Our daughter, Harper Elisabeth, would never have survived a full term pregnancy and I now needed to be monitored for cancer.
A partial molar pregnancy is when an embryo has 3 sets of chromosomes rather than the typical two needed to make a healthy baby. This most often occurs when two sperm fertilize one egg, resulting in an extra copy of the father’s genes. These pregnancies will never be viable. The tumor growing within the uterus will eventually overtake the fetus causing a miscarriage. Partial molar pregnancies are extremely rare, making up 0.005-0.01% of all pregnancies. Once the fetus and tumor are removed via D&C, there is a 1% chance that the tumor will regrow and turn into cancer (gestational trophoblastic neoplasia). Weekly blood tests are required to make sure that the pregnancy hormone (hCG) is trending downward appropriately. If there is a plateau or a spike in the hCG numbers, that generally will mean that the tumor is growing back and a cancer diagnosis will be made.
It is so typical of me to have been the exception to the low odds of having both a partial molar pregnancy and then a partial molar pregnancy that turned cancerous. I really should be playing the lottery at this point. Week after week, poke after poke- it is at this point where I wished I could have had a “normal miscarriage” where it would have been all over after the D&C and we could move forward with our lives. That wasn’t part of our story though. My hCG was down to 17 before it spiked back up. I was SO CLOSE to being down to 0! It was now out of my OB’s hands and they referred me to Dana Farber Cancer Institute in Boston to receive care.
Dana Farber? I always saw the commercials on TV and never really paid too much attention to who they were, or what they did. I knew it was a prestigious cancer institution, but never in a million years would I think I would be a patient there. Fortunately for me, I live 45 minutes away from this distinguished hospital, and I had one of the top doctors specializing in the rare gynecological cancer that now consumed my life.
It was there that I would receive an injection of methotrexate every other day- one week on, one week off- until my hCG trended down to 0. It was about three months of treatment before I was able to ring that remission bell. Looking back on this timeline, I recognize that I am extremely lucky to have had a cancer that has a 98% survival rate and only a 3 month battle. Some beautiful souls whom I had the pleasure of meeting while at Dana Farber had a much more difficult road and a much less positive prognosis. It really puts things into perspective and I will forever find the silver lining in unfortunate situations.
Ready for a silver lining…or a rainbow lining, if you will?
We were told to wait a full year before trying to conceive again, and during that time I was monitored via monthly blood tests to make sure my hCG stayed at 0. To occupy that time, I tapped into my creative side and started a small upcycling business- Lemons to Lemonade (IG: LemonsS_to_Lemonade …yes, 2 s’s on lemons!). I take what others would consider “trash” and give it new life. The analogy of turning lemons to lemonade was my motto in both my craft and my personal life. With the profits I made on my upcycled projects, I was able to send both my husband and I on what we called our “lemonade trip” to Europe! And from there, Adelyn Palmer entered the picture. Our perfect rainbow baby. She was worth every step of that broken road that led to her. Every tear, every needle, every setback.
Today, we are just relishing in being parents to the most happy, intelligent, beautiful baby girl we thought was so far out of reach just 2 years ago. Having had two difficult pregnancies, we have decided to take the route of adoption for our next child. We started the process just this past month, as we know it will be a long journey. For us, being able to actually have a biological child is a blessing, being able to give love to a child who is without a place to call home is an honor, but finally being called mom and dad is a dream come true.
I want to thank our family and friends for the unwavering support over the last two years, as well as a big thank you to all who have shared their own experiences as they discover our story. The more we talk about miscarriage, infertility, and the “hard topics,” the better we can support each other.
“After the storm; a rainbow waits for you.
If it were not for the struggles; how would we ever learn to endure?”
Photos taken by Megan Mills/Free Bird Photography.
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