The world of pregnancy loss, secondary infertility and heartache completely caught my husband, Ira and I by surprise. We had two handsome sons, Daishaun and Daron, both of whom were conceived naturally. Both pregnancies were amazing with no complications so much so that when I found out I was pregnant again in May 2015, I was excited and hopeful that this would be my baby girl.
We went to our 8 week appointment, saw the baby and heard the heartbeat. We went on to announce the pregnancy at 9 weeks. Things were going smooth, the boys were excited to be big brothers and were anxiously awaiting seeing the baby at the 12 week appointment. While in line to check in for my appointment, I felt a gush. I checked in and proceeded to the restroom. This is the moment my life changed. I saw blood. I instantly freaked out, but had to gather myself as my husband and boys were in the waiting room.
I sat next to my husband and told him what just happened. He told me not to panic and to just wait for the doctor. As soon as I was called back I informed the nurse of the bleeding. She assured me that everything was ok and proceeded to schedule all of my future prenatal appointments before doing an ultrasound. Once all appointments were scheduled, I was given a gown and waited for the doctor. The doctor came in and was informed of the bleeding. She did an ultrasound and when I saw the baby ,I knew…… she said that there was no heartbeat and that I had experienced a missed miscarriage as the baby seemed to stop developing after about 10 weeks. She said she wanted to get a second opinion and stepped out of the room.
This was extremely hard to digest as my boys were in the room on the other side of the curtain. My youngest son who was 4 at the time asked “mommy when are we going to see the baby?” It took everything in me to keep my composure and say to him that the baby was sick and that he wouldn’t be able to see this time. I chose to allow my body to go through the process without a D&C. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I was so oblivious to the possibility of miscarriage after successfully birthing children. The very next day was my oldest son’s 7th birthday. I didn’t know how to celebrate the life of one child while mourning the loss of another at the same time. Two weeks later, on Father’s Day, we told the boys that we had lost the baby. That was honestly one of the hardest things I’ve had to do to date.
Nine months after the miscarriage, I found out I was pregnant again. This time, worry and concern were my initial reactions instead of joy and excitement. Six weeks into the pregnancy, I started bleeding. I went to the doctor and the ultrasound showed no sign of intrauterine pregnancy, my tubes were clear but HCG levels were pretty high. For the next two weeks, I would go in for blood work every two days to monitor HCG levels. The levels continued to increase but not at the rate of a “viable” pregnancy. This time I was told that I was experiencing pregnancy of unknown location and was given methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy. I would go on to get pregnant 3 more times, once in 2017, and twice in 2018 that all ended around the 5 week mark. It wasn’t until after the 5th loss, that I would be referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.
My consultation with my RE went well. She went over my history, and set out to do a ton of tests. Confusingly, all tests came back normal and I was simply told to “just try again.” I did not get pregnant at all in 2019 and my RE suggested we try Letrozole. After 3 rounds of Letrozole, I became frustrated and felt defeated, so my husband and I decided to give it a break. On the morning of December 7, 2020 (I remember it like it was yesterday) I couldn’t sleep so I went into my closet and began to pray and journal. I was crying out to God asking him why this was happening to me and praying that he remove the desire of more children if it wasn’t in his plans for my life. While journaling, I wrote, “there’s nothing wrong with your womb, I had to close it to get your attention…. Increase is coming!” I had no idea what was coming!
Christmas Day 2020, I decided to take a pregnancy test as I was just about a week late. To my surprise it was positive!!!!!! I shared it with my husband and the boys as I just knew this time was different because God told me 2 weeks prior that there was nothing wrong with my womb and that increase was coming. This time, I allowed myself to feel the joy and excitement. We decided to name her (if we had a girl) Dream. I’ve dreamed of this moment to be pregnant and for things to be perfect!
The excitement was short lived because on January 6, 2021 I started spotting. Instantly, I knew. Here we are yet again, miscarriage number 6. This one was the most devastating of them all! It took me longer to recover from the miscarriage than the total time I was pregnant. The weight of all of my losses hit me and I slipped into a deep depression. I felt like a walking zombie consumed by sadness. I questioned my faith and asked God why he was being so cruel. I felt so alone and immensely sad. You would think the story ended there but on September 2021, I became pregnant yet again and sadly miscarried at 5 weeks.
Completely broken, sad, and hopeless, I was trying to navigate life with grief. I was at the point where this couldn’t be life. I knew God didn’t intend for me to live the rest of my life grief stricken. I began to pray and ask for clarity. It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom that I got the answer I was seeking. God spoke to me one night in my sleep and he reminded me of what he told me on Dec.7th 2020.
He said he had to close my womb to get my attention. He told me that my pain had purpose and that he had to take me on this journey so that I could encourage others from experience to hold on and not lose hope. Has it been easy? Absolutely not, but he has shown me books and journals that will come from me to affirm his word and encourage his people. Like many of you, I am still in my drought season, but my tears, my prayers, my pruning has been preparing me for my season of abundance! What I have suffered through will produce a harvest of great joy! That’s what keeps me going….. knowing that joy is on the other side of pain. Knowing that he keeps his promises and after the rain, there will be a rainbow.
Photos taken by Ira Davis.
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