Madeline A’s Story

I was just starting my last year of high school when I first found out I was pregnant with Luna, it was 2021 at the time. Luna wasn’t quite planned and I had made the choice to get my ged and try to work as much as possible so Luna would have everything she needed and so I could take time off to be with her when she was born. My pregnancy with Luna was the happiest I have ever been, from the moment I found out I was pregnant to the time I heard her heartbeat for the first time. I remember just this constant joy and love no matter how I was feeling at the time. I was just so full of love. Not ever have I felt love like the love I felt for Luna. 

In terms of health, besides constant morning sickness up until the time she was born. Lunas pregnancy was fine, everything seemed normal and my doctors never expressed any concerns. Towards the end of my pregnancy I had wanted a third ultrasound, to me it never really sat right that I only saw her twice in her whole pregnancy. My age and the fact everything seemed to be fine was why they never saw a reason for one. When I look back she didn’t move as much those last few weeks, it concerned me but I believed everything that everyone told me babies don’t move as much the last few weeks. That maybe I just couldn’t feel her kicks as well. 

After a really long shift on June 3rd I had gone home and my family went camping. I was home alone and that was normal. I lied down and took a nap, I remember Luna moving around before I fell asleep. When I woke up I started to make dinner and after I was almost finished I had realized she hadn’t moved at all since I woke up. I didn’t know how important it was to monitor her movement. Even then, she never stopped moving that long. I wish I knew  I could have gone to the hospital right then. Being hopeful I cleaned up and went to bed. I woke up at 5 the next day and tried everything to get Luna to move. I had work, that was my last hope before going into the hospital, maybe that would make her move. 

A part of me will never forgive myself for that part, it was my job as her mom. On the way to into the hospital I felt such fear, at that point I knew something was wrong. In the examination room they did what they had done before and looked for her heartbeat. There was nothing except for my own heartbeat, I was just hoping maybe it was hers because of how fast my heart rate was showing.  I was hoping it was hers still. There was just silence, until they brought in an ultrasound. Then the silence was over. Luna still has a heart, she has everything. Her heart just stopped beating. My world came crashing down and I was alone, and I didn’t know why. I called my family and the person who got me pregnant, I told them she was gone. Nobody understood why. I had no answer for them. I was supposed to be bringing her home within the next month.

I was given the option to go home and grab mine and her things and the bag that was packed for her. I was induced, labor went without any complications and two days later in the morning Luna was born. I finally met Luna after 38 long weeks of waiting, she was perfect. She was everything I had imagined and so much more. I spent 6 hours in the hospital and after that I left, that’s another one of my regrets is not being with her longer or having more time with it being just me and Luna. After she was born the doctors came to the conclusion she had a knot in her cord, and that is why she she died. My birthing experience went smoothly for the most part, I chose to receive an epidural the night before she was born. I was almost 38 weeks pregnant when I was given the news, prior to everything happening I had already decided that I would name her Luna Iris and I gave her my mothers maiden name. For six hours I held her and loved Luna, we read one book together “Love You Forever” and opted to have her photos done. I am so grateful that the hospital I delivered at had an on call photographer. 

My emotions after losing Luna have been a roller coaster to say the least, in the beginning it was mostly shock. How had you been here one moment and somehow just gone the next, how did this happen? Then it turned into anger, why did this happen to you? Why did this happen to you.. After everything I had been through I had thought finally this was my purpose. Everything I had done up to that point was for Luna- in preparation for her. To give her the best life. I was still 17 at the time but I was prepared for a lifetime of raising my daughter. My living, breathing baby girl. I had never prepared for this. Now I stand here, writing this. Getting ready to go in for a mental health evaluation to be honest, and that is OKAY. That is what I want people to take from this is that you are never alone, loss can happen at any age or stage in pregnancy, all of our babies matter no matter when in their life our our life it happens. It is okay to need help after loss. It has been 8 months since I lost Luna and it is still okay to need help, just to finish things off I wanted to say I am so grateful for this community and all of the wonderful people I have met and had the chance to speak with. 

Madeline wears the rainbow skirt and holds a picture of her daughter, Luna.

Madeline holds a picture of her daughter, Luna, who she lost at 38 weeks pregnant.

Madeline's mother holds the hand of her grand daughter, Luna.

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