Sophia died because of severe blood loss and oxygen deprivation.
When I walked into the hospital for my medically indicated induction, she was perfectly healthy, but the OB thought she was measuring small for gestational age, so he recommended she be delivered immediately.
At first I resisted for multiple appointments, but eventually I let the fear of potentially losing my daughter, words my doctor used, Push me in to the induction.
After three doses of cytotec, I started to feel what I thought was my water leaking, but to my horror, instead, I was bleeding. I pressed the red button for the nurses.
Due to the mismanaged labor and delivery, doctor and nurses were unable to figure out that it wasn’t my blood on their hands, but Sophia’s. Had she been delivered by c-section as soon as there was any blood, or any indication of fetal heart distress, chances are her story would not have been death. Of course we don’t know that for sure, but it’s very obvious if you ask me. And though I’ve agonized over every detail, every decision, every what if, and even received a tiny slice of justice for her negligent death, Sophia died unnecessarily, and nothing changes that…and we live with this uncertainty forever wondering what really happened to our princess. The only way that I’ve been able to do so, is to believe that she’s alive in heaven, and one day we will be reunited.
I also believe that every baby is a gift from heaven.
We started to try for a rainbow baby as soon as it was deemed safe after a c-section. I expected to get pregnant in the first month like I had with my first two daughters. When I didn’t get pregnant the first month, I was like “I will just wait on God’s timing, maybe my body isn’t ready yet.”
When I didn’t get pregnant the second month, I wondered if there was any chance that something was wrong, so I got an appointment with an OB.
The third month I didn’t get pregnant, I started to feel like I was being punished again by God. My first two pregnancies came without even trying, and now that we are, it’s not happening. I cried out to God: “Why god, why are you doing this to me?”
Not getting my rainbow baby right away brought me through a whole new layer of grief. I felt suicidal at times, also angry, defeated, hopeless & depressed. I reached out to a local pastor after hearing a sermon on suicide because I was experiencing suicide ideation.
He sat with me and answered my questions. He professed his faith in heaven and told me he knew she was there, in the dwelling place Of the Lord. I asked him if Sophia’s life was really only meant to be 12 hours long and he said he believed God was sovereign over her life, death and eternal life.
I went home feeling better, but still not pregnant and still seething with negative emotions. I was envious of others getting a baby, some of whom I deemed unworthy of the blessing. Lord have mercy on my soul.
Eventually I had a moment with God where I surrendered having a rainbow baby because I was miserable.
All of a sudden I felt overcome with gratitude for my living daughter Emmy and my husband.
The very next month, I was pregnant with our rainbow baby. After exactly 12 months without Sophia, my womb was alive again, my uterus was full.
I have never felt more overcome with joy and gratitude, and God’s timing was so meaningful.
I told the people who had been walking with me through loss at 6 weeks, even before I heard the heartbeat, because I believed and trusted that God was giving us a rainbow baby, a living baby this time to bring home and meet sissy.
Of course throughout the entire pregnancy I struggled with doubt and worry, and still do. Pregnancy and parenting after loss is constantly being thankful for what you have, and because it’s so damn precious, weeping too, for the same reason, because of what you lost.
I had planned to have her at a birth center for a VBAC, but Vivian’s heartbeat started to get too high to birth at the birth center.
I was transferred via ambulance to the hospital where I had already been signed up for a c-section.
I asked the surgeon if he was good at doing this, and he told me he’d done it 6,099 times.
When I felt like they weren’t taking me seriously, I said I lost a daughter here in 2019, I need to get this c section now.
Everything felt so much like when I was in labor with Sophia. I was even in the same OR and it was about the same time of the night…
As they prepped me for my now emergent c-section, I begged God not to do this to me again.
“Lord Jesus please protect me and my baby. Please lord please lord please lord.”
My husband said he felt like he had to do something different than when we were in that same OR for Sophia’s delivery, so when a nurse told him to get ready with his camera, he didn’t listen this time. He didn’t take pictures, because when Sophia was born, his camera was ready and she was gray from approaching death.
I imagine He said to himself, “Anything to have a different outcome.”
Vivian Hope was born on 2-9-21 at 1:03 am alive, so healthy, and ready to breastfeed! Crazily, that is just one minute before Sophia was born, in that very same operating room.
This time, we had a different outcome, and everyday we thank God he sent our rainbow to stay.
Photos taken by Ashlee Weaver.
Lindsay started Treasured In Heaven, which provides customizable gift baskets for grieving families, in honor of her daughter Sophia.
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
Pin and help spread the project!