In October 2021, shortly after my 33rd birthday, my partner Tyrone and I found out we were pregnant. We were so excited!
Tyrone has 3 beautiful children from his previous relationship.
Braxton 12, Kaydon 10 and Amarlya 8.
After our first appointment and blood test with the GP we told the kids and our parents we were expecting. We were greeted with love, support and excitement. Blood test results gave us a due date of 13 June 2022.
After lots of research we settled on an obstetrician. We had our first appointment booked in for Friday 26 November 2021 and I was around 11 1/2 weeks pregnant. We were excited knowing we would see baby for the first time and hear baby’s heartbeat. Tyrone and I work together and didn’t want to both take the day off work so my mother attended the appointment with me and was going to send photos to Tyrone.
After our lovely midwife did our medical history, blood pressure etc we were ready to meet our OB.
We chatted about my previous Desmoid Tumor removal surgery I had on my abdominal wall 2 years prior and how I was hoping for a NVB.
Then came time to hop on the table for our ultrasound. Mum at the end of the bed ready to take photos.
The Dr was very quiet. I remember naively thinking “Oh he mustn’t have turned the sound for the machine on yet.”
He asked if I was sure of my dates which I replied
“Yes, I’m pretty sure.”
He then explained that baby was measuring a few weeks behind.
Naively I thought “Oh that’s ok silly me must have got the dates wrong”.
The next sentence to come from the Drs mouth made my world stop.
“I’m really sorry, I’ve had a really good look, but there is no heartbeat. Looks like Baby has most likely passed away a few weeks ago.”
I immediately felt like I was outside my body. That I was watching this all happen from the wall beside me and that this could not be true.
He then zoomed in and showed me where baby’s heartbeat should be pumping away. He apologised again. Tears pouring down my face into my mask I apologised to him and mum which they both told me no need to apologise.
I then had to walk through the waiting room to empty my poor exploding bladder then come back to the Drs office.
He then explained that I was having a Missed Miscarriage; something I had never heard of. He explained I had 3 options now. I could wait to miscarry naturally, take some tablets to move things along or have a D&C (also something I had never heard of). He said I didn’t have to decide now but to call the office on Monday and let them know.
The receptionists and midwife were lovely on my way out but I was dying to get out of there. On my way to the lift my mother hugged me and I said I have to call Tyrone; I have to let him know. My next thought was “Oh my gosh and we will have to explain this to the kids.”
When I got down to my car in the car park I called Tyrone straight away. I had told myself not to cry so I could get the words out to let him know what had happened but of course that didn’t happen. He knew exactly what I was saying through my tears and assured me nothing would change for us. He is so strong. I just wanted to get home to him and be in his arms.
After dropping mum home and some hugs and tears from my Mum, sister and Dad I made the drive home to Tyrone and the kids.
My heart was so broken but that hug from him was amazing. We sat on the bed and told the kids the sad news about their sibling. Their 3 little faces were so sad and so caring for me I will never forget it. The 4 of them took great care of me during this horrible time.
That weekend was horrible not knowing what could happen or if I would start to miscarry on my own. I had made my mind up that I wanted to have a D&C.
So on Monday 29.11.21 we went to work. We were able to contact the OBs office and book in my D&C for the next day; Tuesday 30.11.21. We also booked an ultrasound for that Tuesday morning before the procedure to make sure we had some photos of our beautiful Angel Baby.
Parting with Tyrone to go in for the procedure was so hard. He kept telling me how strong I was. I believed him funnily. Waiting to get called in then waiting for the OB who was running late wasn’t ideal. Waking up I remember the first thing I told the nurse was “I’m strong”. Truth was I needed to get out of their ASAP so I could get home to grieve and try to begin healing mentally.
I consider myself extremely lucky that I did not have too much pain or bleeding after the procedure. I knew the next hardest mental battle would be waiting for my period to return knowing that we were still TTC.
I also consider myself extremely lucky that my periods did return about 4 1/2 weeks post D&C. I was lucky to have a normal period and normal cycle.
Little did I know the next period I had would be the last before conceiving our rainbow baby. My period was probably only one day late but I took that test and couldn’t believe my eyes at those 2 little faint pink lines. I showed Tyrone in shock. After some stronger lines the next morning we contacted the GP to organise an appointment and blood test.
This current pregnancy with our rainbow baby has definitely been a roller coaster. We have been cautiously optimistic but also filled with anxiety.
We had some bleeding and cramping early on and some early ultrasounds. Tyrone has been my rock. I know he has been as anxious if not more anxious than me. He is the strongest man I know.
We told our parents we were expecting again due to the bleeding etc. We waited a little longer this time before telling the kids.
Sadly when I was 13 weeks pregnant Tyrone’s mother passed away. One of the last things she asked before she passed was
“How is the baby?”
I said “So far, so good.”
We were lucky to be with her when she passed. We believe she is watching over us and helping keep our rainbow baby safe and strong. She was buried with rainbow baby’s most recent ultrasound picture with its little frog looking legs.
At our next OB visit we let him have a guess at the gender of our rainbow baby. We decided not to do the harmony testing as we were happy to accept any blessing we receive. Thus we didn’t know the gender yet. The OBs guess was a girl (also daddy’s feeling from day 1) which was confirmed at our 20 week scan a few weeks later.
Amarlya and my Grandmother were over the moon with this news of a sister and first great granddaughter.
As I write my story for all you other amazing ladies I am currently 33 weeks pregnant with our little rainbow baby girl. Still taking things day by day and week by week with Tyrone, the kids and our families by our side in support. Rainbow baby girl is due 6th November 2022.
I realise how very lucky and blessed I am with each pregnancy. I am extremely grateful to Sarah for starting Journey for Jasmine and giving me the opportunity to share my story and be part of Project Finding Your Rainbow. Having the rainbow skirt come to Australia is literally a dream come true! Thank you!
Photos taken by Tyrone.
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