My first pregnancy was short lived, I found out I was pregnant on Valentine’s Day 2024 and I began experiencing some bleeding and expelling tissue and at 7 weeks I found out I had a complete miscarriage.
Although I wasn’t planning on trying to have kids because I have type 2 diabetes, losing that baby made me want to try again. I could say it didn’t hurt as much as my second pregnancy because I never had seen my first ultrasound or heard a heart beat so I guess you could say I felt shielded in that sense.
Fast forward to Mother’s Day 2024 I found out I was pregnant again! I was so excited but very scared not only because of the diabetes but because it was “too soon” how my doctor liked to say I should have let my body heal but I was over the moon. Every appointment felt like an eternity of uncertainty all I wanted was to get past the first trimester. Everything was going good, I was keeping my diabetes in check getting seen every week or two baby was growing a little fast but heartbeat was strong.
Until I started spotting. I kept going to my doctors looking for an explanation but they couldn’t find anything wrong with me expect that since I am diabetic I could expect baby to grow bigger due to the sugar intake and I could possibly have a premature baby and that it was normal for the cervix to get very sensitive and anything could make it bleed. At 12 weeks my daughter was measuring 15! The bleeding became more worse like a never ending period. I went three times in a week to the hospital and all they could tell me was that I was a “bleeder” that it was normal for me to bleed because they bled too and they were fine.
Again I knew something was wrong and I went back again I knew they were tired of me showing up because of tissue I was expelling but I was getting desperate. August 5 2024 I had just sent out my invites to the gender reveal and I returned to the hospital just for them to send me home for bed rest. 9 hours later I had a brief moment of just crying my eyes out and rubbing my belly telling my daughter to please stay, then I began having contractions roughly 5 min apart and my water broke.
I bled out and delivered my daughter in the restroom, the sweetest tiniest thing. I was hemorrhaging and time was going by. I don’t remember much after I was unconscious on the way to the hospital my blood pressure went through the roof. I remember delivering my placenta on the way there and hearing my blood drip and thinking this is it. I thank god for the nurses who kept me alive, because having to see the look on those doctors who said I was a “bleeder” is something I don’t think I’ll ever forgive or forget. The only thing I have left from my daughter is a piece of my placenta.
I don’t wish anyone to go through something so traumatic. I suffered psychotic episodes after and to this day I have ptsd. I can’t hear an ambulance or go to sleep without screaming if I am okay. I felt as if I just wasn’t cut out for it maybe I wasn’t made to carry but I know everything happens for a reason and I know one day I will have my rainbow baby. It’s hard seeing everyone else continue their journey but I keep faith I will be there soon.
For a while I felt as if I wasn’t a mom, but I now I know the moment I heard those heart beats and seeing my daughter kick, I became a mother and I’ll always be. I don’t think we should let anyone belittle us rather our kids are here or not we were blessed to carry them and that’s what I’ll always live by. And to always get a second opinion, I wish I would have gone seen someone else or stand up for myself. To my daughter, baby Aly who was due Feb 2025 I’ll always love you and your sibling and for the future ones I will stay strong for all of you and for the ladies going through the same I’ll keep you guys in my prayers too
Here’s to the hardest but most important job in the world, being a mother.
Photos taken by photography.orl.
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