In March 2020 I found out I was pregnant.
I didn’t feel great my first trimester but this was my first pregnancy so I thought that’s just how you feel.
I went to my 8 week ultrasound and found out I was having twins which was a surprise but also felt like destiny. I am a nanny and have cared for 14 sets of twins so I definitely knew could handle it.
Everything went well until 18 weeks when I bled a little bit. I went to the doctor who then sent me for an ultrasound. They told me my water broke on twin A and that I had to go to the hospital because I might go into labour.
I was absolutely terrified but I didn’t go into labour that night so they sent me home and told me the signs to look out for. I did everything I could to keep them in for as long as possible.
On Aug 4 I didn’t feel good so I went to the hospital and they said my white blood cell count was high so they put me on antibiotics but didn’t say anything about me possibly going into labour.
On Aug 5 I started having contractions and my daughter Lily was born still and my son Paxton was born 30 minutes later and lived for 2 minutes before he died.
It was truly the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
I then had a chemical pregnancy in Dec 2020, a miscarriage at 5 1/2 weeks in January 2021, a miscarriage at 6 1/2 weeks in June 2021 and now I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby girl.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in March 2021 and this pregnancy is utterly terrifying for me. I really hope this is the baby that I am going to take home with me.
UPDATE:
My first pregnancy was girl/boy twins. I was over the moon happy as I had been a nanny for 11 sets of twins and knew I could handle it. My daughter’s water broke at 18 weeks and I held on to them until 22 weeks when I went into labour. My daughter Lily was still born and my son Paxton lived for 5 minutes. I spent 24 hours with them before I left the hospital. It was the hardest day of my life leaving them at the hospital knowing I would never see them again.
I then had a chemical pregnancy and then 2 miscarriages before I had my rainbow baby daughter. I then had another chemical pregnancy before my rainbow baby son was born. I then had another son 8 months ago.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression before I got pregnant with my daughter and every pregnancy was will filled with extreme anxiety. The births of my living children were the best days of my life but also traumatic as my PTSD from giving birth and losing my twins was there for all of their births.
My daughter was diagnosed with cerebral palsy in 2024. She is very petite and my middle son who is 19 months younger than her is basically the same size as her. Everywhere we go I get asked”are they twins?” which feels like a punch to the gut each time it’s asked. It’s getting a bit easier but I know I will probably be asked that for years to come.
Our family is now complete and we won’t be having anymore babies so I am trying to soak up all the moments with my babies. While technically my youngest isn’t a rainbow baby I consider them all rainbows as they were all born after my many losses.
I miss Lily and Paxton and I think about them every single day. It’s been 5 years and while I having my 3 living children makes my life happier it doesn’t mean that Lily and Paxton aren’t part of our family and aren’t missed. They have sent me many signs and I know they are watching out for our family from the stars.
First set of photos taken by Furever Reflections Pet & Family Photography and Ashley Cormier.
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