1. Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?
Getting pregnant was not easy for us, though we thought it would be. We spent a year after our wedding (which happened to be at the prime of COVID) tracking and timing everything. Eventually I scheduled an appointment with our doctor and found out I had PCOS, once I heard that I knew it wouldn’t be smooth sailing. We had done 7 or 8 rounds of ovulation induction and all of them had failed, so we moved on to IUI. To our surprise, our first IUI worked! Numbers were rising appropriately until they weren’t. We eventually were told we would experience a miscarriage and were given three options: miscarry naturally, induce it at home or have a D&C. We had opted for a D&C as it would be best for my mental health.
While we were prepping for the procedure, my COVID test came back positive and the hospital wouldn’t allow me to have the procedure so we chose to induce it at home. We went back a few weeks later to make sure all tissue had been flushed only to find out I now had a mass in my uterus the size of my uterus. Within 12 hours I was in surgery to have my left fallopian tube removed. We had experienced a very rare pregnancy- a heterotopic pregnancy (twins in two locations)- an ectopic and miscarriage.
We immediately could go to IVF due to the loss of a tube but they had a three month waiting period, so we did three more IUIS which all failed. We have done three egg retrievals with IVF and 6 transfers. Transfer 1- ended in a chemical pregnancy (not tested embryo). Transfer 2- failed transfer (tested embryo). Transfer 3- miscarriage (tested embryo). Transfer 4- chemical pregnancy (tested embryo). Transfer 5- failed transfer (tested embryo). Transfer 6- currently pregnant with our rainbow baby (three untested embryos). I reference tested or untested because I thought having our embryo’s PGT tested would for sure lead to an earth side baby. You can see from our journey that is not the case and it took our Dr taking a risk with me by transferring three untested embryos on our last transfer to have only one stick. PGT testing doesn’t necessarily weed out bad embryos 100%. Untested embryos aren’t 100% not going to work. You have to keep digging to find out what will work for your body.
2. What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?
There’s never been a pregnancy where I haven’t had a lot of anxiety. The further along you get and the more milestones you cross, it gets easier but it will never go away. Surprisingly, which I’m thankful for, my pregnancies only have had a few cravings and extreme fatigue. Other than that, it’s been ok.
3. Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?
We never really had any definitive answers on why our losses occurred. My husband and I always seemed to fall in the bad luck category for every pregnancy.
4. How far along were you?
Our losses ranged from 4w1d to 9w4d.
5. What are your baby’s names?
I regret this daily, but we never named any of our losses, and that makes me feel terrible. At the time, I figured they were too early of losses, I didn’t understand that a loss was a loss at any given point and didn’t want judgement from the outside. They still hold a special place in our hearts and we think about them daily and what they would have looked like or who they would have been or who’s laugh they would have gotten. It’s a personal choice for that mother and for that couple.
6. What was the birthing/loss experience like?
I can’t speak of the birthing experience, but the loss experience is something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. The pain that overcomes your body is a different type of pain. You don’t know what to expect when you hear “you’ll eventually lose this pregnancy.” On top of the physical pain, you also experience the mental and financial pain. You plan for this baby, for what activities they may do, what your family will look like at holidays, what traditions you can start and in a split second all of that is robbed from you. The financial toll is something that continues to haunt me to this day. We miscarried our third transfer and that was on February 24, 2023. I still to this day am fighting with the testing company (Natera) to waive the bill from our profile. We were told if you tested an embryo and it came back PGT normal, they would test the miscarriage tissue at no cost.
7. Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?
Since all of our losses were first trimester losses, we didn’t. The only keepsakes we have are our ultrasound pictures. I do have a tradition where I buy a baby item before every transfer, procedure or retrieval in hopes that one day our rainbow baby will be able to wear them and now they come with a story. I can’t wait to see our rainbow baby in a couple months dressed or playing with those items!
8. How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?
Our treatment for our losses have been nothing but great. We have developed bonds with our nurses, nursing staff and doctors and truly are so lucky that they have come into our life. Our IVF Dr. has always been the first to reach out (on holidays, weekends) to give condolences when we had a loss. That alone means so much to us. Insurance is a different issue and they have not been great, but when has insurance ever been that way? LOL.
9. Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?
Support from our family and friends in the beginning wasn’t the greatest. We received many insensitive comments (now that I look back on it) like at least you know you can get pregnant, it’s in God’s timing, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. Looking back, those were hurtful but we shrugged them off, we didn’t know any better. I would never, nor would they, say that to someone who is actively struggling with fertility issues. I remember what really did it for me and I snapped (this is where anger comes into play), but I was at lunch on the way home from a family vacation and I bursted out crying in Olive Garden and yelled at my mom and sister that I felt like they weren’t supportive to my husband and I, they never asked about any of our treatments or how we were doing while going through them. Since then they have been so supportive and wanting to learn about what we are going through and what it’s like etc.
My husband and I were unsure (as we had experienced an unexplained miscarriage) if we would attend our cousin’s baby shower. I remember his mom called us and said we needed to go and that it was unfair to my cousin and her family. Obviously we knew that. We were jealous (normal emotion FYI). Why couldn’t that have been us. But the pressure of people saying we needed to attend wasn’t what we needed. We needed validation that what we are going through is hard, that attending a baby shower would be hard and it’s ok if we are angry and jealous. I’m very open on social media with our journey, my husband says it’s my best therapy to connect with others dealing with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. We basically lost our entire friend group last fall because of our journey. What I posted made them feel hurt, offended or uncomfortable. Which is fine, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, just like politics. I’d say that hurt a lot. But it wasn’t until we announced that we were expecting and received congratulations from them, which hurt more. You can be there for us during our happy/excited times but not when we are literally at rock bottom? Didn’t sit well with my husband and I and we’ve both kept our distance.
It’s unfortunately something that most people don’t understand unless they live it. Even after our rainbow baby arrives, we will still be jealous of pregnancy announcements and how quickly and easily it happens for most and how they don’t have to spend $100,000 in order for a chance at a baby.
10. How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)
Each loss contained some type of anger, sadness, confusion and being scared. In the earlier losses, I was sad and confused why it didn’t work for us when everything had always been “textbook.” Every time we prepped for transfer I was scared if we didn’t become pregnant and I was scared if we did become pregnant. The last few, that had no explanation, I was angry with the world. Why did this keep happening to us? Why was everyone getting to carry on with their own lives while we were standing still? I began to shut down after each loss. I would stay home, not respond to calls or messages for about 2 weeks but then eventually pull myself out of it. I was depressed and had no issue admitting it.
11. How did you know you were ready to try again?
I didn’t. I don’t know if you ever know it’s time to try again when you’ve experienced loss like we have. It’s terrifying. But I know both of us are destined to be parents and you can’t gain that role sitting still. Whether you continue with fertility treatments, you move forward with adoption or fostering. You have to push yourself to the next level.
12. What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?
Pregnancy with our rainbow has been a whirlwind of emotions. Until we reached 24 weeks and I could feel him kicking, I don’t think there was a day I wasn’t living day by day. I try to celebrate every little milestone we have with him as you just never know when it will end. I am in a support group and they have been great. Most of them have experienced 3rd trimester loss so I know what can happen from here forward, but his kicks are a sign to me that he is still here, he is still alive and we can make it earth side with him. I’ll never be fully at peace until he’s in our arms, screaming and crying in our nursery at home but even then that’ll be a whole new sense of anxiety I’ll be feeling.
13. Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?
I’m sure that most moms do, but I remember the transfer day of each baby we lost, every due date and every date we lost them. One of those days I try to either light a candle in their honor or take a 5-10 minute break and meditate to bring me back to my center.
14. Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?
You’re not alone. It’s ok to feel sad, angry, jealous. Your feelings are valid. You may feel like you are and that everyone around you is pregnant or has a family, but there are so many more of us struggling with loss or infertility than we know. Keep pushing forward. Know that you can’t gain anything by not pushing forward. That’s what kept me going until Transfer 6.
Photos taken by Chandi Kesler Photography.
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