I had a fairly easy route to becoming a mom. My husband and I were blessed to get pregnant with our first son soon after we started trying to start a family. I had a pretty normal pregnancy until I was diagnosed with Cholestasis and induced at 36 weeks. After spending some time in the NICU our precious little guy got to come home with us.
We always knew we wanted to have more kids and when my sister in law became ill we thought we should start trying sooner rather than later. We were hopeful that if we got pregnant quickly she would be able to meet our new addition.
Unfortunately, I experienced my first early miscarriage the week of her funeral. The doctors called it a “chemical pregnancy.” They said they were fairly common and it was unlikely it would happen again. However, I went on to have two more chemical pregnancies before getting pregnant with what we thought was our rainbow baby.
I found out I was pregnant from a positive digital test on a random Friday afternoon after two sips of my coffee made my heart feel like it was going to beat out of my chest. I was shocked to see the word “YES” but couldn’t wait for my husband to see our son in the “Big Brother” shirt I bought him. Sadly, this pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage shortly before my first appointment and I started to think having another child was just not in the cards for us.
I did a ton of testing and the only thing they discovered was that I had low progesterone which they planned to supplement if and when I became pregnant again. I was in disbelief when I began getting positive pregnancy tests before I even started my next cycle. I kept looking at the tests thinking I wasn’t just pregnant, I was REALLY pregnant. I had such a good feeling and was so hopeful until I went into the bathroom one morning around 8 weeks and saw the all too familiar sight of blood. At the ER they explained that the blood was most likely due to the fact that one baby did not continue to develop. Vanishing twin syndrome it was called. I heard it a lot, that “at least I was still pregnant.”
I was grateful of course but pregnancy after loss is so complex and difficult as it is, that experiencing a loss DURING that pregnancy really took a toll on my mental health. I spent the whole pregnancy holding my breath until I finally held him in my arms when he was born at 36 weeks due to ICP.
After discovering that my low progesterone levels were most likely the cause for my losses I was confident that if I got pregnant again I would not experience another loss. So when the time came to try for another baby I was so excited. But that excitement quickly turned to worry when my doctor said there was no need to put me on progesterone after getting a positive test. I had a sick feeling that history was going to repeat itself.
I went in for my ultrasound around 9 weeks and the baby was not even measuring 8. I tried to stay hopeful but deep down I knew what I was about to go through. Once the bleeding began I took yet another drive to the ER. The doctor told me the baby’s heart had stopped and in that moment it felt like mine did as well. Around 11 weeks I miscarried our baby at home.
We knew we would never replace the babies we lost but also that we still desired to add another child to our family. The only way out is through so I geared myself up for another pregnancy after loss. With the progesterone, a lot of prayers and some major stress caused by a SCH we have somehow made it to 31 weeks with our rainbow baby. We are having a sweet little girl who will be delivered early just like her brothers due to me having Cholestasis of Pregnancy for a third time.
Having only experienced high risk pregnancies, I am a huge advocate for moms to trust their intuition and always seek medical advice without fear of judgement when they have a concern. Had I brushed off my pregnancy itching I could have lost my son due to high bile acid levels. So speak up, even if it feels difficult. To anyone who has experienced loss, my heart is with you. I know not every story ends with a rainbow baby and I want acknowledge those moms and dads and let them know their stories also matter.
You can follow Katie on Instagram @clubember
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