My husband and I got married in 2018. We had no idea the journey we had ahead of us. We figured it would be easy to fall pregnant right away, but after several years of trying with no luck we started asking ourselves what was going on.
In 2020 I had my first loss. It was very early and what most would consider a chemical pregnancy. I had just started a new job and couldn’t do anything to help with my loss and I remember flushing the small sack in the toilet at work crying in the bathroom and wondering why this was happening. We didn’t talk about that first loss much. Most people blew it off as a heavy period and disregarded our pain. We moved on always wondering what that little life could have been.
In December of 2020 I fell pregnant again and found out in January of 2021. At first I was so excited, so happy, so ready, but it turned into a nightmare real fast. I wound up being diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum and a subchronic hematoma. I spent days in the hospital, being abused by medical staff mistreating my health issues which only led to more problems in my pregnancy. They tried to admit me and called me crazy because I was crying so much and played off my bleeding like it was nothing. The company I was working for at the time also did not believe I was pregnant and was demanding I show proof and sending me to multiple doctors for tests while I was supposed to be on bed rest for the hematoma. I wish I knew the things I know now. I would have quit my job and focused on my pregnancy and healing.
The days started getting bad really fast. Loss of blood, convulsions, throwing up blood, blacking out. So many things were going wrong, but I never feared the worst would happen again. I remember being around 4 weeks pregnant with our daughter and one of the staff at the hospital turned the sound on to let me hear her heartbeat. She said you normally don’t hear heartbeats that early on. In that moment I really thought things were going to be okay.
My husband and I decided to find a doctor that could help with HG and get me on medication to get me through the days. Things slowly started getting better once we found that doctor. I was able to keep food down a little better, get out of bed for longer periods of time and move around, I thought for we were going to make it to the finish line.
And then it happened, I made it past ten weeks. That seemed like the biggest milestone ever. Almost to the second trimester, getting past two months pregnant, scheduling our appointment to find out the gender of our baby. I was so excited. Then out of nowhere the bleeding started getting worse again.
On February 18th, 2021 We went back to the doctors and they gave me an ultrasound and we saw our daughter waving to us and doing little flips. We didn’t know the wave was a wave goodbye though. I remember that day so well. The look on my husbands face watching our girl move all over. Her strong heartbeat. The doctors laughed with us and sent us on our way saying the bleeding was to be expected with a subchronic hematoma. Except that day it just got worse and worse. The clots started getting bigger, the pain was getting worse, contractions started, but I didn’t know that was happening. I thought it was normal because the doctors said it was. I went to go take a shower when I felt the need to push. I didn’t understand why I felt like that and when I looked down in the shower I saw my baby. Our baby. The smallest little person I ever saw. After that I cried for my husband and he came running in. We didn’t know what to do. We never expected that.
We sat in disbelief for hours in our bathroom. What do you even do in this situation? I couldn’t touch her. I couldn’t pick her up. All I could do was stare. I’ll never forget her toes and her hands were formed and so very small.
On March 5th of 2021 we buried her in a baby grave. The day we were supposed find out the gender was the day we buried our daughter.
When I shared my loss publicly we were mostly greeted with shame as to why I didn’t tell people I was pregnant. Shame as to why I called out my company with what they put me through. We were not offered support or love from hardly anyone and that alone changed me into a whole new person. It was like our story didn’t matter and my pregnancy didn’t matter now that it was over. I went through an extremely dark path over the next few months as I know many loss moms do. I never realized loss was such a taboo subject and how people will turn you away for talking about it until it happened to me.
And then one day a few short months later I said to myself “I’m pregnant” it was like I knew, but it wasn’t confirmed until I couldn’t keep any food down, and all the pregnancy signs started coming back to me. It was all very emotional especially being pregnant on our daughters due date. I waited until I was 20 weeks along to tell almost anyone this time because we didn’t know if we’d make it. Every milestone felt huge and so far away. Then we made it to the baby shower which was so surreal. I didn’t think I would ever get my baby shower. As we got closer to Birth things started to get scary. I had a natural birth all planned out, after my last hospital experience while pregnant I was absolutely terrified to go back to the hospital. I hit 38 weeks. Nothing. 39. Nothing. 40.. 41.. I finally asked to be induced around 42 weeks as I was getting scared we would not get to bring him home if he stayed in any longer. It worked! But my labor failed to progress, I couldn’t dilate, and his heart rate was dropping to 60 bmp at each contraction. The natural birth Center declared it was time for the hospital to intervene. Things started getting scary. Being rushed to the hospital, having 15 plus people come pouring into a room to monitor me. Ultimately they made the decision in under 5 minutes that it was time for an emergency C section. We were terrified.
They cut me open and immediately took our son away to the nicu. He had inhaled and swallowed meconium and needed to be monitored. Everything happened so fast. After 4 days in the hospital for me and almost 6 days in the hospital for our son we finally got to bring him home. He was thriving and healthy and smiled at us within two weeks of being home. The pain we had to go through to bring our living baby home was such a journey, but every minute with him is such a blessing. Knowing that our son could not exist without loosing our daughter is such a surreal pain, but we love them both with our whole hearts.
In March we got to celebrate his first birthday! A milestone that doesn’t even seem real. I’m so thankful for him and every second I get with him. The pain of loss still sits with me every day as I know it does for most. The journey to bring my rainbow baby into the world was hard, but I wouldn’t change it. I’m thankful for the moments I had with my daughter, and I’m blessed to have a son who is healthy and thriving.
Photos taken by CSR Photography.
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