It’s been over 15 years since I heard the news “you won’t be able to have kids” for the first time… it’s hard to believe just how many doctors continually reminded me for years that my body would not be able to do the very thing I wanted most in life. I remember the all consuming pain that came with that news.. the defeat, the shame, the dreams crushed before my eyes… all at a time before I was even ready to think about creating a family.
I had convinced myself in my 20s that I was not going to let the inability to birth my own kids keep me from becoming a mother. In my mind, I would find a husband that would be totally open to adoption and support the idea of a different start to our family. With time and much prayer, I was blessed with just that, a man that didn’t let my past medical problems consume his view of the life we could build together.
Fast forward to my 30s and all things started to seem like they were playing out in some sort of fast paced dream… each year hitting a huge milestone; engagement, marriage, relocation, and suddenly, the biggest shock of all, I got pregnant naturally!
My husband was always the optimistic one, but with this miracle pregnancy, we suddenly also faced concerns from being considered high risk. The pregnancy progressed and my body continually proved doctors wrong. While I did have many complications, including preeclampsia, we were still beyond blessed throughout the pregnancy. Our healthy and beautiful baby girl was born via emergency C-section at 37 weeks. After an extended hospital stay for both momma and baby, we made it home to begin this dream life as a family of 3.
Fast forward to trying for baby #2..
After having a successful first pregnancy a couple years prior which resulted in a healthy baby, we thought we would be in the clear to begin trying for another. In fact, this time we heard different news from doctors; ‘there shouldn’t be any problem’. Unfortunately, we soon learned that I had no problems getting pregnant, but had great difficulty reaching viability with each pregnancy.. thus we had entered our secondary infertility journey.
Secondary infertility is a strange mental space to find yourself in. In our case, we had this amazing child but we couldn’t help but find ourselves wanting to give her a sibling. We lived in a constant state of a little bit of hope with a whole lot of fear. We were judged for her being an only child and judged for continuing to try after each loss.
Time and time again we would try and I would get pregnant. After 4 recurrent pregnancies resulting in loss, I was back in the place of defeat, shame, and dreams being crushed before my eyes; except this time I also had to grieve my 4 heavenly babies while still being momma to our daughter.
We had been told that all of our losses were unexplained and to continue to try hoping for ‘better luck next time’ because ‘it will eventually happen’. Hearing medical professionals provide that kind of advice was like a mind game. The mental and physical load of all of the loss, combined with the lack of answers from our team of doctors left us seeking more. We ended up at a fertility clinic in Nov 2021, the month following our last loss.
After repeating all of the recurrent pregnancy loss work up and confirming that there were no known causes for our losses, we began a new plan. I started weekly acupuncture, taking a baby aspirin daily, ultrasound cycle tracking to confirm eggs & ovulation, and altered my supplemental progesterone to twice a day; all while still trying naturally since getting pregnant hadn’t been the problem. With these changes, I got pregnant again with our 6th pregnancy, our hopeful rainbow, Sayde. I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant, still juggling the hope and fear that comes along with pregnancy after loss.
Having a high risk pregnancy after loss seems to just amplify all of the worry and fear.. each milestone that’s come and gone so far in this pregnancy should have brought some peace, but the reality that there is no guarantee for a healthy baby in the end has left me in a constant state of ‘if’ instead of ‘when’. So for now, we appreciate the life we have with our 4 year old, honor our 4 heavenly babies, and document this very moment with our hopeful rainbow through our participation in Project Finding Your Rainbow.
Update- our rainbow baby, Sayde was born on Sept 26 and has brought such light to our lives. Our long awaited miracle is finally here and it still doesn’t seem real.. sometimes ‘dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.
Newborn photo taken by Flowertown Photography. Rainbow skirt photo taken by WKD.
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