After having three fairly easy pregnancies (given normal symptoms) the world would change as we knew it. We have three beautiful children and we decided to try for our last baby to complete our family.
I got my iud out and found out I was pregnant the very next cycle. (What a blessing!) I had to go into the office for a annual paps mear so they went ahead and did my first prenatal labs. My hcg was not where they wanted it to be. A week went by full of anxiety before I was able to redo my labs. My numbers had risen and all was well again.
I had my first ultrasound at what we thought was 8 weeks but the baby was measuring at 7. Heartbeat was 113, which I thought was a little low but no one made a fuss about it. Starting at 5 weeks I had full swing HG (hyperemesis gravidarum). Absolutely nothing would help the nausea and vomiting. I spent all day either in bed or at the toilet. This went on for weeks. I very rarely got to keep fluids down much less a bite of food. I spent every week getting 3-4 bags of fluid and zofran in my IV. I quite literally felt like I was dying. “Sickness only means a healthy baby” I would get told so often. My babies didn’t understand why I was so sick and honestly I felt like a failure because I wasn’t capable of being the mom I once was during those weeks.
Flash forward I go to the ER for my weekly fluids and some temporary relief. The Dr. had the nurse do an ultrasound which I couldn’t see anything on but she said everything was fine. On June 7th, 2023 I went to my 10 week appointment and everything was fine. I was about to leave and she asked if I wanted to do an ultrasound just to see since normally they can’t pick up a heartbeat that early on the doppler. Of course! Who doesn’t want to see their baby. I was there alone. Fourth baby with no major complications why would I even think that I would need support there for just a routine visit. I was SO naive!!
As soon as the tech pulled up my baby on the monitor my heart sank. I knew immediately that something was so wrong. At this point we had already found out the baby was a boy and named him Noah. He just laid there no movement or little flicker of his heart. The tech took some measurements and said she needed to step out for a moment and she would be right back. It took everything in me not to break down right there. She didn’t even say what I already knew. She took me to one of the rooms so my OBGYN could come and talk to me. The moment she stepped into the room all she could say was “I’m sorry Hailey, but your baby had passed.” I broke out in tears. She hugged me and told me that’s it’s more common than I realize. 1 in 4, she said. There was absolutely nothing I could’ve done to prevent it and that he knew nothing but love and warmth. He passed between 8-9 weeks.
She told me my options for passing the baby and told me to talk to my husband and give her a call, no rush. She had given me however long I needed in the room to cry, scream or whatever I needed to do. I remember walking to the car feeling like I just lost a piece of me that I’d never even gotten to see or hold. Before this appointment I was praying for peace and hope. “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott came on the radio and I immediately felt peace wash over me. After the appointment I found out that she wrote that song when she had her miscarriage. No coincidence, God was right there the whole time making sure I felt his presence before finding out the worst news of my life alone.
I drove in silence all the way home. I waited until my husband got home with our other kids to tell him what I had been told. I decided for a D&C. I ended up having it on my middle sons birthday on June 14th, 2023. I was so close to 12 weeks. I was still so sick regardless. I sat in the out patient waiting room for surgery with everyone just laughing and talking to family members. It didn’t hit me until I was back there being prepped that this was so real and my baby boy was about to be taken out of my body for good. It was a long road ahead but I knew I would make it, I had too for my other babies sake.
We had agreed that we would wait a year and talk about if we wanted to try again or not. July 2024 we decided to try one more time. With my other babies we got pregnant with ease, this time around was not the case. I almost gave up and said that it must not be for us to have one more. I even gave up on testing to see because it was wrecking my mental health. On November 3rd I took a pregnancy test just to see and to my surprise it was positive. I truly was expecting it to be negative.
In my opinion, pregnancy after loss is way more challenging mentally than going through the loss itself. I found myself bracing just in case I get told the news again at every appointment. I ended up having 11 ultrasounds over the course of my pregnancy. He has been perfect. I struggled again with HG just not as severe this time around. Also saw a high risk Dr for my gestational hypertension and gestational diabetes. I finally came to terms that everything may work out this time and by the grace of God I got to hold my sweet boy. We had our Sweet Elliot on July 5th! He and I are both healthy and that’s all I could’ve asked for. I am so thankful for this project and what it stands for and also my sweet rainbow baby!
Photos taken by Brooke Seale Photography.
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